Taking Steps Back..

It was then that I knew. The snow falling. The quizzical tone of surrender in your voice. Every bit of it promised disappointment. You were gone. More so for me. Because what excuse had I to keep.

It was then that I first thought you'd be better happy without me. Knew your fate was not mine to have. Not that I ever thought, but I'd flirt with the idea sometimes. Talking to you as if you were already gone. Because they always leave us before we can let go of them.

Family and friends say I am lost. They'll tell me to try and find. But I prefer not to look anymore. I've already seen all the colors the rainbow lays.

They'll tell you it should be enough. That the hurt only proves. They'll tell you all sorts of things. Because they know you'll listen.

But I can't hear anymore what they're saying.

Our time was then. And now is all I am. One wing tries, but isn't sufficient.

Truth comes in sudden bursts and there is nothing I can do. Except watch the explosion.

Artifacts.

So saturate the changes with yourself. Follow the shadow as heavy feet lurch forward. Or appear to. I was myself. Always. Until I let them become. With a broken pen I wrote letters myself. And all was well until it came time to mail them.

There is the mirror in cool disconnect. Magnifying every fraying thread on the screws you twist. There is the envelope as it follows every letter. Fitted like skin to that frail skeleton you write. There is the ink. In hues of the deepest color. Flowing like blood to the end of every single vein in your paper skin.

So much we are. But have never been.

The nothing collects each moment as tomorrow tempts waning debates within. Distilling truth from lies.

Neither quenches my thirst. But both are addictive.

Dangling Particles

It was ugly. As most things are. Blank with futility. Corrupt with hope. As sweet as the first taste. As sour as the last. Every vine betrayed.

With a glance we were closer. Together. The scent of fear my aphrodisiac.

Only subtle shadows dare distinguish us from each other as I looked on astounded at what I had become.

It's not the hunger that is hard to bear. It's only the hunger that I trust. It's the echo as the emptiness quakes under your skin. And through the sound. From the vibrations you feel the utter hollow that is there.

And all I want is to feel whole again.

Anniversary

It will be one year on Sept27 that I've started this journey towards a world I can live in authentically, honestly, without anxiety, paranoia, fear of abandonment and BPD. I would have added a healthy body image to that list but that seems to be a lifetime of work for me. So much has happened and transpired since the initial stages of my recovery. I've lost, gained and changed all in one year. I don't think I've ever been this grateful for the present moment, of all the things I've learned about myself and those around me. Originally, I had such a huge fear of being alone, I was addicted to love, to pain and chaos and suffering. I believed I was nothing without something to talk about. Looking back, I can see now why I wasn't able to move forward or have healthy relationships with freinds,my ex fiance and myself. I just noticed how I added "myself" to the last of the sentence. I've still got work to do. However, nothing has been more rewarding than where I am today and everything I've let go of. I know for a fact I would not have been able to do this without DBT, CBT and group. I wouldn't have been able to survive my strong desire to commit suicide had it not been for countless special people Ive met along the way.
I know in large respects I still have a long way to go but I think that's the beauty of self transformation. It's always a journey of discovery. My body image will always be a struggle for me. I always eat healthy and exercise but the fear of being fat or thinking I am fat takes precedence over alot of things in my life in the presesnt. I miss my ex a lot and think about him everyday. It's not been an easy road but it's been a fruitful one that Im glad I chose. I have managed not to equate my worth by men and have stood by myself in building that relationship with my inner being. It's a lonely spot to be for the most part but I am dealing. The sadness I carry for all the pain and hurt I have caused by my lies is something I carry with me deep in my soul. I am still paying for that through lessons where I am currently being hurt by those few around me who think necessary to take me for granted. I've been lied to a few times by a dear friend and I got a taste of my own medicine. I know now what it must have felt like for my ex and his family and my own for that matter. It will be 365 days on Nov 7 where I will be completly honest for one year.
I'm not sure where the rest of my journey will take me but I am blessed to have been given so many chances to start over. I only hope the next year will be as eye opening as the last. Looking at myself in the mirror and being honest with myself was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. Noone likes to see their own flaws. I had a lot of hate to let go of. When I look at me now though I am proud and honoured to be who I am. And all the people who are now in my past that said I would never change can stare on in disbelief for I was always a kind and generous person. It just took me a little longer to see that than most.
More to come...

Slowly..Slowly..

Slowly..Slowly I will let you go
Slowly..Slowly I will erase you in my mind
Slowly..Slowly I will learn not to cry
Slowly Slowly in my life
I will just let your memory die.
I missed you so much love
But you have forgotten me..
I cried myself to sleep whenever you crossed my mind.
I pretend to be well but more and more I cannot lie.
Keeping you will be unfair and selfish on my part.
So slowly slowly I will let you fly..
slowly slowly I ll let the day pass by.
slowly slowly I will
I will just let my love for you die.

I Can Look Back..

Thank you for 2 good years. 2 Funny years. 2 happy years. I can't look back and say thank god we made it, but i can look back and say thank god we tried. You were my life line, and now you are just a line on my page, in my story, a beautiful one I will never get tired of reading over. But thats what we are now, so, so over.

I miss you and the way you made me smile, but at the same time I know there is nothing left of the old you to miss.

We tried, my baby. We tried. I'm strong enough to know I have to let go.

It doesn't seem fair really...if you think about it. You always ask me how I feel, why I have the expression I have, why do I sigh, why do I pull away when we are talking about the un-named. You get so frustrated because my answer is always the same...I'm fine I say. Or nothing is wrong. And you always say I answer your questions with questions. But I don't want to tell you how I feel. I don't want you to know how much I think about the un-named. I don't want you to know how much I'm hurting and fighting inside between my real mind and the BPD mind. I don't want you to know that it frustrates and confuses when you tell me you want to be with me "that way" when you know how I feel and what I'm going through. I've never been good at confrontations or at being direct in situations like these. Or in situations dealing with the heart. You know that i have been through hell and back and here i sit still tormented by the past. And i havent been able to move forward in all this time. So why are you even considering that I would be ready to take that step. This year when everyone turned on me, you were the only one there and I appreciate that more than you know. I didn't expect to make a best friend. I'm very glad I did. I don't and can't ruin that. The pain we are both feeling isn't healthy. I need space in matters of the heart and soul to figure myself out. I made a promise to myself to be alone until I can learn to love me 100%. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. But you make it hard for me to be honest without hurting you. I dont want to hurt you. But I also need to be honest that doing so and telling you the direct feeling is hard for me because I feel like it would alter the friendship we do have...
I want to forget about everything bad and the pressure and focus on the good. The truth is, I'm utterly terrified. Terrified of being hurt, not being good enough. Terrified of ME. I hate this BPD issue, this social anxiety and eating disorder that I so convienently let "eat" away at me.
As much as I am addicted to love and would run right out and be in a new relationship, I can't. Because right now, I love being alone even more. Being alone may not bring happiness but it will also not bring the sadness and heartache once recently inflicted on me. I feel like a caged canary.
I respect and cherish our friendship and need it to stay the way it is right now. Close, honest, open, respected. I gotta get past this borderline thing, its too present and fresh. I gotta get past my pain and hurt. The un-authentic me is still taking precedence, although I'm honest to a fault now its nothing without ME to back it up.
COnfusion, delerium, frustration and longing for the ME that once was. I miss her. Please come back soon...

Revisited me in my dreams..

Being stuck with these torturing but wonderful moments is like a drug. It's addicting and brings me at ease, but then I can feel it starting to slowly kill me. These memories will never escape my mind. But then again, I wouldn't ever want them too.

Everyday I hope that maybe, just maybe you still love me, you just won't show it. Or that maybe you'll come back to me. I still hope you're doing okay. Everyday I hope you have a good day even if I'm having a bad day. I want to let you know _____ that you're perfect to me. You're the most sweetest, kind, caring and bright person I've ever met. And don't you ever let anyone tell you other wise.

I still have the only picture of us we took together, the email that you sent me explaining why you asked me to marry you. What happened to that person that would call me every night? What happened to that smile?

I don't see you smile anymore. I miss you terribly. You have no idea how bad I'm aching inside. You have no idea what it's like to hear your name, or hear who you've dated or kissed. You have absolute no idea how much you hurt me. You don't even have the guts to say sorry.

How could you do this to me! I loved you and cared for you! I did everything I could to keep this relationship. I even kept my word and I was honest and you never tried! You always started the fights! ALWAYS! DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOLD ME 'FUCK THIS I DON'T NEED A SCUMBAG LIKE YOU!' YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT HURTS!

I wish I could just stay mad at you! But I can't, because I love you too much. Although, even after you said that to me, I was the one that kept apologizing for an hour because you wouldn't say anything back. You're the only person I can see myself with. You're the only person who has ever made me feel this way, what made you fall out of love with me _____. Why are you still doing this to me...