Serendipidy

So much has gone on in the last 8 weeks its hard to sum it up into one word. My emotions have been so all over the place. I really thought when I finished the day treatment program that I had graduated myself from living in the past, moved on from self hate, self loathing behaviors, was adult enough to not let my emotions get the best of me. I see now that it was easier learnt and said than done. I feel like that time in the program was so long ago, like it never really happened, you know. I was so  happy then. I want to make myself beleive that it wasn't all an illusion. That what was I working towards for myself and for him wasn't just a waste of time. Like another lesson in life that I'm magically supposed to recover from. Truth be told, 8 weeks ago, I didn't really think I was going to make it. I worked so hard to re-gain his trust and his respect. And I did. To a certain point. I have learnt from this situation that no matter how good things seem and are, or no matter how much one lovely person tells you you are the world to them, secretly deep down in their soul's you just might not be. As hurtful as that is to grasp, its the truth. Maybe I am broken in trusting now just as he was broken in trusting me. Whatever the case, I know I will have to rely on myself from now on, not be dependant on anyone or their words, no matter how much you want to. I will always miss him, I will always hope, dream and pray for him. I don't want to be half a person anymore though. I want to continue to have hope for his return but be a whole person in doing that. I never thought that this would happen, I certainly didnt think that one person's values, beliefs and attitude could shape every one of my own even when they aren't there. My therapist says that was his way of still controlling me. She says him changing his phone # and keeping it unlisted was another way of still controlling me and my life. I don't think that it what he was trying to do, if so, the fact remains that its still hurtful and devastating. To know that one person who used to love you so much and place so much of themselves into you now on the other hand can just as easily turn and hate you. I don't understand how you can shut that off.

Over the last few weeks, I have been keeping my mind busy with work and the gym. Coping mechanisms Ive adopted so that I don't get stuck at home in my head. I've been reading a lot to try and stay out of crying mode, but its hard. I see that he doesn't seem to be very upset at all and that hurts more. However, the strength in me is boundless and I am taken aback outside of my hurt at how determined I am to not make the same mistakes, to start living a life for me. I can be a woman alone and single in this world and I can be happy and successful doing so. Everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to believe they've found their soul-mate. I know I did. Even if he no longer thinks so doesn't wash away the memories for that time. They will always remain a poignant, beautiful, life altering and also hurtful, painful and tiring time. A huge part of me will always hope for his return, will always hold on to the fact that I know he still loves me. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I could be stronger in the area of being able to move on and know whatever happens happens. I'm not there yet. I don't know why I hold him in such high regard. I love him unconditionally. I do know that I've learnt that I will never be on the same level as him. He has told me so many times I have done nothing in my life, that I didn;t have a career like him, don't have kids of my own or have never been married. Admittingly, I know I will never have the kind of career where I will be fulfilled by what I do. However I can make my life better and fulfilling my staying in the moment, by shaping my world by being authentic and honest.  I have done a lot in my life. Just not in the same way as others. And as much as he doesn't think so, a lot of people who are close to me and not close to me continue to look up to me for my persistance in the face of adversity, even if self imposed. I am a good and kind person. I am one of the most nurturing people you will ever meet. I'm just not going to let the good parts about me be mis-used anymore. He never did anything bad to me, he gave me all the chances in the word and he loved me like no other will ever be able to.
I don't know what to say about it anymore. I don't think I'll ever have the closure he thinks we have. He will probably never talk to me again, and as much as I am not ok with that and hurt by it, I have to accept it. I made my mistakes and I cant go back and change them. I do know unequivocably, that I never intentionally wanted to hurt him. I love him dearly. I still defend him like Im there. I still stand up for him and pray for him even though Im sure he's not even thinking of me. I am honest and myself and that is what's most important. This is what I have strived to maintain and Im there. I'm honest, I'm authentic and I'm me. I have nothing and noone to fall back on but myself and for once in my life, no matter how much I love him, I am happy being alone.

Hurt, pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, shame, guilt, pain, rage, turmoil, angst, feelings of despairation..they are all emotions there inside ourselves to teach us lessons about faith, hope and relying on ourselves to get us through. None of these emotions that I've have brough me anything but more heartache. Life is about living in the moment, about seeking out what fulfills us and encompasses us to want to be better people. I am not perfect, I wish I could change the hurt I've caused him and beleive me I miss him deeply. However, I know I have come so far and I will never go back down that road again.

I am hoping this shift in attitude stays. We will see when tomorrow comes.

Cheers

Emptiness

Again, its been a long time since I've wrote. I haven't felt up to much since arriving back at my parents house after the break-up. Here we go again. I dont really know what to write right now, I just wanted to check in. My heart strings and angel wings are broken and I haven't felt like doing anything except cry and mourn the loss or going of my partner 7 weeks ago. What can I say? I worked hard to re-gain his trust and it seemed like all a waste of time to go through therapy and all. I know I was supposed to do it for me. I guess another lesson learned. I hope I will be able to regain some strength, solitude and hopefulness in the coming months but right now all I think about is him and I want him to come back. I am torn. Im sure he feels the same way. I hope he does anyways. He changed his phone number, partially my own fault for calling so much to repair things, but still, he still talks to his ex wives yet he cant speak to me..I thought I was his soul mate as he has told me so many times. The older you get the wiser you become about love and relationships. I will never recover from this one, this was the one true bond Ive always wanted and worked hard to keep. He will always be my soul mate, my best friend, my lover..even if far away..I will never give up hope or give up on us. Call me crazy for thinking this way but what can I say..when you know you know. My mother says I will remain only being half a person without him and I believe this to be true.

I hope he reads this and finds some solice in his heart or atleast some love left for me to see us through another journey. I love you....
Ill write more later, its bed time..

Glass half empty

There has been so much confusion and pain lately I really don't know wether I am coming or going. Since last monday this has been the hardest and most painful week I have gone through in awhile. Forcing myself to turn off my love isn't easy. It seems to come easy for him. Lack of affection, lack of interest, lack of anything of the above has broken my wings and destroyed my heart. What's the point in sharing your vulnerability if it always gets shaken and mis-used. He says that "life will just move on".. I'm not sure how to react to this but to feel more confusion and hurt. I don't get it. I really don't. I just can't move on and pretend nothing has happened; that my heart doesn't feel loneliness and ache for the loss of him no longer being here. The silence between us is enough to make me go back into a state of depression, self-doubt and hurt. Even if things weren't that way and we were talking what would I say anyways?? It feels like my opinion doesn't matter. As much as I am trying to whip out my trusty DBT tool box and try and find the positive in this situation, right now I don't see much of that. It is already hard enough to practice acceptance and gratitude when I am losing the love of my life. He is in the garage right now having his coffee and a cigarette. There have been so many times I've sat on the step and enjoyed that with him. ........I can't bear the sound of the ticking clock as our silence continues as it reminds me of how precious time is and how much time of it I don't have left here in this life with him. Having the love of your life break up with you and say we can still be 'friends' is like your mom telling you your dog died but you can still keep it.
I know that this was all my fault. I didn't want this to happen. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I didn't. He asked me who was the meanest in this relationship the last 2 years. Obviously the appropriate response to his ears would be to say I was. Of course, I was but there were so many good times and without saying it was because I have a mental illness, I was never trying to be mean. Emotions can get out of control. I am not a mean person naturally and I wish that he would just forgive me. So much guilt. It is easy to ask myself over and over again lately what it is that I did that wasn't good enough. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, don't think military enough or am not lovable enough. I will never know the why. It's torture is what it is. I am prepared to spend forever alone. He says that love is not enough. It certainly was enough before. But I bite my tongue and hold back my tears and pray that this nightmare will end soon and the pain and hurt that I feel will somehow vanish into the night and all this will be just a bad dream and I can lay softly in the hollowed out space of his arm pit at night as he kisses my forehead while I fall asleep....

"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our mind how we want our heart to feel. Sometimes we just have to go with, Whatever happens, happens". -Unknown-

Heartache and Tears

Even though you say you aren't changing your mind and your not coming back...after all this time.. we are just "freinds"... as much as that f****ing hurts...just so you know... no one comes close... I am prepared to spend forever alone...

Turning the Mind..

It's been four days since I've told that lie. I am back on track with honesty and truth. As good as that feels, it doesn't seem to be having the same effect as before with my interpersonal relationship. This sounds so wrong. I came to the realization that accepting something is not the same as judging it good. I have decided to tolerate the moment however uncomfortable I have made it. I know I can get us through this. My commitment to accept that this is the way it is right now is not the same as acceptance but has turned me towards the path I am trying desperately to get on. I feel I have made the first step so many times. I am frustrating myself. I am having all these emotions I haven't felt since completion of my last treatment program. I know in my heart that these emotions are solely the after effects of my lie. Everything else is good in my life. I have dealt with the guilt and shame I felt for past actions and burned those as I continued to heal. Having to feel them again really isn't good for my confidence. I am so disappointed in myself. I am even more shameful and guilty knowing that my partner is disappointed in me too.

Reminding myself in these moments of depression and panic requires me to turn my mind over and over and over again. When I am in it, it's not always so easy to remember to take a step back. Being as important and special that he is to me, I panic a lot when there is conflict because I love him so much. Conflict is the last thing I want. I know that turning my mind is me choosing the "accepting road" and not the "rejecting reality" road. I am just so mad at myself for not being respectful on monday night. My mind is full of "should have's" and "I wish" phrases. This wasn't supposed to happen. Me saying that is not really accepting reality. Even though I know I need to. I can't go back and change it. I feel like an idiot. The after effects of shame are worse than feeling the actual emotion I think. I am trying to turn my mind into not believing I am defective but the intense sadness, fear and anger I am experiencing for the first time in 4mos are very strong. I have made new resolutions to change and am trying to fix the harm and damage by changing the present moment. This is not an easy thing to do when I feel like I'm being ignored. Since starting the new program on distress tolerance I am building more positive experiences for myself and my partner. I remember how good I felt when I ended the last program and I need to continue with that positivity because it also had a lasting effect on my partner's attitude as well. I hope it continues to work because I love him very much and want a life with him built around respect and honesty. I wrote a list of what I wanted for us in our relationship. This is the first time I have done something like that but it helped to clearly define what I value in our relationship and the positives I have to offer being my authentic self.

Which brings me to the point of: I know I am not BPD anymore nor have any of its symptoms. My emotions and actions are solely my own choice. I know that my social anxiety can be rectified by more willingness on my part to get active and be more out going, start more conversations and most importantly believe in myself and remain confident in who I am. Learning to be myself is not difficult but it is uncomfortable some days as I continue to struggle to learn or remind myself of who I am. My mom says I do know who I am and that's a boost to my confidence. She has been helping to remind me of the positive qualities I bestow and what I used to be really good at. This new program is good but it doesn't have the same support I was hoping for. Having said that, I know that I am feeling alone in this process so I must rely on my own strength and keep being myself.

I had a point to this entry today but I think I've gotten off track. I will continue to turn my mind and remain truthful to myself and to my partner and I know that we will get through this. My homework for Monday's group is to write a forgiveness letter to myself. I wanted to change it around and have it addressed to me from my partner outlining why he feels so hurt but then I also realized the importance of forgiving myself first and I can do the other letter as a thing for my own healing on my own time. Both would be effective.

I will write more again tomorrow. Getting back into writing has helped me clear my head and see the positives in this current situation. All will get back on track soon. I won't ever give up on myself like that again. I love him so much. There is much to look forward to when I keep a positive attitude for us.

Cheers

Acceptance is the only way out of Hell...

It's been a really long time since I've written anything. AGAIN. I've kind of been trying to get through life normally without being stuck in my head. The last two months have been relatively calm so to speak. I got through christmas with only a few hiccups. Mostly my own expectations of trying to please everyone during the holidays. The stress of that got to me a few times but I worked through it.

The new year is upon me and I have been feeling quite insecure. My high set goals of not wanting this year to be the same as the last has gotten the best of me. I've let myself get stuck in my head again for the first time since digging myself out the black hole I was in last fall. Despite all my hard work and dedication to healing I slipped back a bit and told a lie monday night to my partner. As stupid as it was, I told him the puppy pooped outside when really she did inside. I know that sounds completely immature but I was afraid due to my insecurities that he would be upset if she didn't go outside. I had a panic attack when he questioned me on it and allowed my emotions to control me instead of me controlling them. I pushed him verbally until he was so mad that he said our relationship was over. This attack I had showed me that honestly I still have a lot to move on from. I still have emotions I need to work through.

My lack of good memory lately and growing comfort level with my partner somehow drove me to disregard things others may seem important to them. I've been learning that I'm supposed to put myself first. Doing so was more of a burden that not. It seems the more I put myself first in the healing process the more selfish I am told I am. I have never had bad or negative (hurtful) intentions towards anyone especially my partner. I feel terrible for mondays episode. It could have been avoided. The worst part is I don't have any good explanation for doing it. Carelessness perhaps but that doesn't make it any better. I realize in that moment that I wasn't acting like the adult self and only as the child.. with tantrums, emotions running wild and saying anything to get my way. It's easy to say I'm feeling better, even though I was, when there is no conflict, but when it does happen is the true test of where my success will lie. I really need to continue to work on managing powerful emotions when they arise. I will continue to be the only one suffering if I don't. I really don't want my life to continue like that and I feel I have made great success but I can't forget that my fears and insecurities are still very present even if they sometimes lay dormant when I'm feeling well.

I don't expect anyone to pay for my mistakes. As much as I hate admitting this, they are. I don't want my partner to hurt. Want it or not he is. And even when he says he  is willing to forgive and forget. It really doesn't mean that he's forgotten. IT REALLY DOESN'T! Reality is I need to work harder at combatting this. I can't live like this in my mind any longer. There is no need for me to be dishonest. There really isn't. I am disappointed in myself because I was doing phenomenal. Despite that one lie on monday I haven't told a single lie in 129 days. I'd like to say keep going on that and I will but now I have to start from 0 again. And that really sucks. I deny myself the right to be happy, independent and mature every-time I do. I know I can't take everything so personally. People are entitled to their opinions and to feel what they want to feel. I can't stop it or control it to shield my heart. Truth is, I'm not the only one with exquisitely sensitive emotions. When my partner says all I do is apologize and say "it won't happen again" and that he doesn't believe that anymore, sure it hurts me really bad. But its the truth and all I can do is accept that he is going to feel that way. I don't want to be sorry all the time but atleast saying sorry is a way for me to admit that I did wrong and that I am accepting and respecting his emotions.
Not being able to work and go to therapy is pissing me off. I want to work. I want to contribute to this partnership and give back. Furthermore, just as importantly, I want to be independent and DEPENDENT on myself and be a contributer to society and to my partner in a human way and not an invalid like I feel some days. I know that not working has a lot to do with being stuck in my mind. It allows more time for focusing on my body image or things I want to to better instead of turning the mind to positive things. And although it's never an easy thing or healthy for that matter to constantly remind myself of what I've done wrong or how many lies I've told, I must so I don't go getting to comfortable or self assured. Is this wrong??

Proud as I am to say I am not stuck in my past anymore, being stuck focusing on the future isn't good either. It doesn't help acceptance and being in the moment. Acceptance of this current situation is needed and is the only way out of the hell I continue to create in my mind. Pain creates suffering only when we refuse to accept the pain. Committing to acceptance is not an easy thing. It hurts. I need to build mastery and more self respect and more respect for my partner. And I need to interact with him in a way that makes me feel competent and effective, not helpless and overly dependent. That is the last thing I want. I need to continue to create structure for myself and take on my responsibilities. And, in keeping with my adult self I absolutely must keep acting in a way that my partner keeps loving and respecting me and balance my immediate goals with that of our long term relationship. Because I love him and I love myself and I want us to be happy and healthy.

I am hoping that this new treatment program I am will help tie up the loose ends in my spirit, help me continue to manage my emotions in a healthy way and help bring our bond closer together. This is all I've wanted since the beginning. Accepting that is not what I chose in past actions, I can still change this path for us today so we can be happy together always.

Cheers

A new Outlook

It's been quite some time since I've posted anything new on here. A lot has been going on I guess. Since I've last posted, I've completed the 6 week day treatment program with good success. I've accomplished more than I ever thought was possible.

Since my diagnosis back in July 2010 of being told I have Borderline personality disorder, I have worked very hard at calming down my moods and behaviors. It is now November and my diagnosis has changed. This change solely came from within my own self and my desire to live a better life. I do not think that having BPD was a life sentence. My social anxiety has become more of a problem than the BPD itself. I believe and have come to learn that those BPD symptoms I had were a result of my extreme and out of control lying. My constant fears of abandonment, rejection, and being alone stemmed from not wanting to ever get caught with all the lies I did tell. Learning to stop lying has brought up new challenges and new anxieties. Would I ever be honest enough with myself to tell the truth and face all my inner demons?? Would I like to real me?? Truth to be told, it's been 15 yrs since I've actually been my real self.. It's no wonder I had fears! And what about the people in my life that meant the most to me. Would they stay? Or would they never feel they could forgive me? Not knowing the outcome of this therapy is what brought me the most anxiety. I didn't know if I was strong enough to tell the truth to myself or to a group of strangers I'd never met before. I am glad that I proved my own fears wrong!

Throughout all my hard work the past 2 months, the greatest thing I have learned is to be myself. To be myself in  group of strangers, as scary as that was, and not be rejected, brought me a sense of happiness and acceptance of myself I've haven't felt in a long time. Frankly, I was about ready to give up. Little did I know, in a sense, I did give up. I gave up on the lies, the deceit, the secrets, the fears of never being good enough. I was tired of having to patch every lie all the time. I know I have said this to myself many times. And everytime I was just buying time. Getting the people closest to me to give me a little more of their energy, love and validation. I am glad I am where I am in this moment. Leaving the safety net of the treatment program was scary for me because I know I have finally learned how to be connected to people being myself. I am learning what it's like to feel and not always be stuck in my mind. I thought that my feelings and emotions were always bad and that made me a bad person. Clearly, I am not. I am a very good person. Just with a lot of confusion about life.
I'm not as confused anymore but I am still in a fragile state and can be broken easily if wanted. I feel like the spring bud on a crocus. Freshly bursting with new life and energy but needing a little extra care as so not to break my new roots. I can still be easily affected by the energies of others and I know it will be a while yet before I feel 100% strong enough to go out there into daily life on my own, get a job and be independent.

I know I still have ways to go on my healing journey but I know I am now able to wake up every morning and look at the sunrise and know I am living authentically. Life is full of wonderful gifts. There is a lot to be grateful for. I do want to start a gratitude journal. I think this would give me some time everyday for ME to focus on the things in my life that I am happy for that I always took for granted. Since being back at home with my wonderful partner, I haven't done much. I have wanted to continue writing and journalling and setting new short term goals. Its a lot harder to apply these things on my own then when I was in the  group. It's still easy for me to make excuses and not do the things I know I enjoy. I am making myself stick with the new tools though as I see a HUGE change in myself. Mostly I just feel calm inside. I am trying not to think so much so that is bringing up feelings of mental and emotional exhaustion. I need rest. I need to relax a little before I start this new program. Being on my own without the security of my coordinator and others that have helped me there is tough on some days. I still focus deeply on my body image however even with that I am proud that I am learning to make the connection between my body and my mind and be more the adult with my emotions and not so much the child.

I don't want to look back anymore. Life is hard enough as it is without having to try and make it harder with lies and being fake. I have been continuing to be honest in my daily life and it's getting easier to be. I hope that I can continue to make myself proud. I also know that  when we are at our worst is when we are actually at our best.
My mind is just getting back into writing so I don't have much else to write at the moment. I will come back when my mind is on track and not so empty. I suppose that is a good thing for a change.

Cheers.