Today I realize how easy it is to go back to that state of being of emotional instability and fragility. I can seem to believe I am stronger than I give myself credit for in this process but as I have just witnessed..all it takes is one comment from someone towards me and I fall back into the pit of PTSD, BPD and social isolation. I don't understand people. I don't. They think that noone else has any issues but them. I suppose saying that could be somewhat ironic but I was never mean purposefully. I was mean because I wasn't being me. My heart is in the back of my throat right now and I feel sad, guilty, confused as to why I feel guilty and I am craving getting up out of this seat at work and running away. Running away from all these people and these feelings of hurt at what I just had said to me. I wont repeat it here because its not worth it but when someone attacks your being its always gonna hurt someone with social anxiety because we have a hard enough time just trying to fit in.
The last few months I have tried to seek out new freindships. Tried to be myself and always tell the truth. Having done so seems to have brought along new issues..I know from personal experience better than most that the truth is never easy to hear but that does that make it morally and socially acceptable to put others down when you don't accept their way of being or thinking?? Im so lost. I don't want to hate people but I'm finding it really hard. I'm finding it hard to know who is good and who is bad. What boundaries do I need to set for myself so situations that hamper my emotional growth don't occur again?? I feel worse than ever.
I realize that to get over my addiction to love and being loved and attention that I just need to be alone for a long time as I have been since he left. I am adjusting being alone but its the not loving part thats hard for me as I feel that equates to my wholeness and worth as an individual. It gave me a place to rest, a shore to this ocean of emotion swirling inside of me.
I know I can't avoid the public or talking or developing new freindships with people along the way but I have to be VERY careful at this time as to who I let into my life and not. I don't want to feel this again. I am reminded of how fragile I am amidst the suit of armour I adorn every day to go out there in public.
My heart and personhood feels bruised right now. I gotta stop taking things personally. It would be so easy for me to just be someone Im not right now and say hurtful things back as what was said to me, however, I ask myself who is the stronger one in this situation. Now, I just want to be the one that walks away. One more lesson and one more tick on my strength meter.
Write more later..
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Question of Control..
I have put myself through some pretty horrible situations. I think having these emotional issues and mental instability is harder to resolve than I thought and I am addicted to love and addicted to addictive behaviors. If that makes any sense. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Nothing makes sense. I am supposed to be following my DBT and CBT exercises and I haven't been. All I do is try and prove myself in my everyday hoping that somehow karma shows him I am a good person. How skewed is that. Living your life in the hopes of someone else's return that probably never will return. I easily float between depression and hyperness on a daily basis. Using humour as a way to deflect my pain and inner suffering. I have been writing and usign the love letter technique regularly, and spending time in nature or by the ocean where I can easily find a sense of solace and inspiration but as soon as I return to the mind I am drawn back into it's relentless thoughts and ideas. I need to continue to conquer this otherwise I will get the best of me.
People have told me I need to be more kind, smile more, be more open. Don't be so serious or all about respect all the time. I haven't let those people sway me from my beliefs and from being myself but somedays its hard to not take their criticism personally or seriously. I felt the social anxiety was getting better the more genuine friends I made and the more I put myself out there, however, I realize I am trying to be the kind and generous and always willing to help friends which is not bad because deep down that's who I really am but it has left me running on empty. What does it take to be a good friend?? Other than the obvious of honesty, trust and authenticity. Maybe I am the good friend and the one's in my life are not.
I had an all encompassing feeling sitting at my desk at work. A vibration that took over my whole heart. I just want him to come back. I don't get this way unless I feel he is thinking of me. I think I am lost and when I am lost and missing him I turn to him and our memories as a way to find permeanance again. A place that provides a memory of beauty, safety and also pain. The pain far out rides the happiness I felt then because I know I can never have it again. I need to go back to that place within that provides that for me. He is not coming back. I cant be co-dependant on him for a sense of self anymore; Co-dependant on him for a sense of worth and belonging. A sense of happiness. To stop that I need to find a method of letting go and believing I am something without him or the military or the brothers and his family I tried so desperatly to make my own family. I wanted to belong. I wanted it all. I had it all. Lies ruined it.
When I think about the end and today's conversation I am reminded of how worthess I feel:
You controlled the situation
(I felt limp + helpless)
You were interesing, funny
(I was tedious + awkward)
You were judging me
(I was judging you)
You were repelled by me
(I was too insecure)
You were in control
(I did not like this)
You left
(I would like for you to resume control)
People have told me I need to be more kind, smile more, be more open. Don't be so serious or all about respect all the time. I haven't let those people sway me from my beliefs and from being myself but somedays its hard to not take their criticism personally or seriously. I felt the social anxiety was getting better the more genuine friends I made and the more I put myself out there, however, I realize I am trying to be the kind and generous and always willing to help friends which is not bad because deep down that's who I really am but it has left me running on empty. What does it take to be a good friend?? Other than the obvious of honesty, trust and authenticity. Maybe I am the good friend and the one's in my life are not.
I had an all encompassing feeling sitting at my desk at work. A vibration that took over my whole heart. I just want him to come back. I don't get this way unless I feel he is thinking of me. I think I am lost and when I am lost and missing him I turn to him and our memories as a way to find permeanance again. A place that provides a memory of beauty, safety and also pain. The pain far out rides the happiness I felt then because I know I can never have it again. I need to go back to that place within that provides that for me. He is not coming back. I cant be co-dependant on him for a sense of self anymore; Co-dependant on him for a sense of worth and belonging. A sense of happiness. To stop that I need to find a method of letting go and believing I am something without him or the military or the brothers and his family I tried so desperatly to make my own family. I wanted to belong. I wanted it all. I had it all. Lies ruined it.
When I think about the end and today's conversation I am reminded of how worthess I feel:
You controlled the situation
(I felt limp + helpless)
You were interesing, funny
(I was tedious + awkward)
You were judging me
(I was judging you)
You were repelled by me
(I was too insecure)
You were in control
(I did not like this)
You left
(I would like for you to resume control)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Mirrors..
Some say, "In order to understand life, one must endure pain".
You would think that after all the pain we have been through we would have this whole "life" thing figured out by now. The hours upon hours of exercise, incessant dieting, starving, puking and excessive calorie counting. I abused you so badly.
My wounds have been rubbed raw so many times, and some of them never go away. It's very painful. It all began that one day in front of the mirror. 15. Naked. Crying. Wishing I could jump out of you. But I couldn't. I was stuck with you.
Then there was treatment and recovery. There is still treatment and recovery.
Even after all the help we've had, I still can't do it. I still can't look at all of you- naked, in the mirror. I can only bear to see one part of you at a time. An arm. One side of a lumpy stomach. The lump on your right butt cheek. It's more than a little overwhelming. Too much. Too heavy.
Sometimes I still don't want to look at all of you until you are fully recovered. Fully skinny...or something.
Some of the wounds will be raw forever. They heal a little over time but then get ripped apart again. It only takes a look, a comment or a reminder of the mess that was once inside of our brain. We're still fragile and we probably always will be.
I try to be nice to you. Truly I do. Some things are just harder to change though. And although we know thoughts are not facts, it's the believing it that has us stuck. I guess that's the one thing I do understand about life.
Love,
Me
You would think that after all the pain we have been through we would have this whole "life" thing figured out by now. The hours upon hours of exercise, incessant dieting, starving, puking and excessive calorie counting. I abused you so badly.
My wounds have been rubbed raw so many times, and some of them never go away. It's very painful. It all began that one day in front of the mirror. 15. Naked. Crying. Wishing I could jump out of you. But I couldn't. I was stuck with you.
Then there was treatment and recovery. There is still treatment and recovery.
Even after all the help we've had, I still can't do it. I still can't look at all of you- naked, in the mirror. I can only bear to see one part of you at a time. An arm. One side of a lumpy stomach. The lump on your right butt cheek. It's more than a little overwhelming. Too much. Too heavy.
Sometimes I still don't want to look at all of you until you are fully recovered. Fully skinny...or something.
Some of the wounds will be raw forever. They heal a little over time but then get ripped apart again. It only takes a look, a comment or a reminder of the mess that was once inside of our brain. We're still fragile and we probably always will be.
I try to be nice to you. Truly I do. Some things are just harder to change though. And although we know thoughts are not facts, it's the believing it that has us stuck. I guess that's the one thing I do understand about life.
Love,
Me
When I tell you I love you, I mean it.
Let that resonate.
I know you're tired and afraid
that you're angry at Hope
and you want to outrun it,
curl up with a cup of aloneness, and die
But you won't
If you try, I will hunt you
sneak up on your neck
breathe up & down it
shoulder to ear
put soft hands on your throat and then
strangle the sadness
right out of you
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Lost Ship at Sea..
It’s 2PM, and here I am almost 2.5 years later to the day.... Sitting alone by the ocean. At once we would have sat by the lake there in town on the same bench, by the same trees and then go home where we prepared dinner together, drank some wine, had a bath and talked about our day, like something out of a cheap romance novel. This is same memory where I began to fall in love with you. Where we began our journey together. I’m sitting here in my memory like we once did, but it's not the same as before... It's so lonely, desolate and quiet, not like it once was. The waves, they're taunting me, like they know. The ocean is so cold and oh so unwelcoming. Its not the same as the lake.
I sit here just thinking and writing, afraid to go home. Afraid to go back to sleep. Afraid to wake up. Sitting here, asking the same questions over and over. Questions that I don’t have the answers to, questions I may never have the answers to. I know I’m just tormenting and exhausting myself by running through my own head over and over, trying to figure it all out. But I can’t help it. Should I try to move on? I can’t, I don’t want to...
I know that soon, I will head home, back to my now empty bed. I’ll go and cry once more before I finally lay down, trying to sleep. And I know as I lay motionless, I’ll just dream of you to comimg through that door like you use to. And You’ll come lay down next to me. You'll tell me you how much you love me and missed me. I’ll wrap my arms around you, holding you tight and kissing you again and we'll fall asleep just like old. And I’ll finally wake up, We'll finally wake up together. Wake up from this nightmare like nothing ever happened. I’ll dream and pray, all along, knowing it won’t happen.
I keep on telling myself one more day, I wish I had one more day or one more hour or one more minute with you. Just one more minute of looking at you or one more embrace or one more kiss or just one more moment feeling your presence. I know that's not true though. One more will never be enough with you.
I don't remember being so selfishly happy as I was when I was with you. It knocks the wind out of me how in just days of being with you could suddenly make the world without you be so unfamiliar. Everything is exactly the same as it once was before you. Same bed, same route, same people, same work but somehow it's different.
“They” keep telling me to pick myself up, each day will get easier. Just go out and keep busy. I keep busy but the moments when I am alone, it all comes flooding back like the unwelcoming waves on this beach. And how can I move on? It feels like I’m cheating on you, cheating myself. It won’t help. Trying to fill that huge empty void with meaningless....it just isn’t going to do it. Nothing can fill the emptyness you've left behind except maybe time itself.
But maybe they are right, maybe each day it will get easier. Maybe the day will finally come when I'll wake up and I won't look over to see if you're there, one day I'll wake up and I won’t think it was all a bad dream, one day I won’t wake up and feel angry with you, with myself, one day the tears will stop flowing from my eyes, one day all the pain and hurt will subside. And maybe one day I will be learn how to let myself go and learn to love someone else but I also know, I'll never love anyone as much as I did love you.
I feel like destiny is just laughing in my face, like our story got cut short. Maybe it didn't, maybe fate brought us together, only to rip us apart. There were so many things I had planned, so many things I wanted to do, so many questions I had, so much I wanted to tell you, so much I wanted to experience with you. Maybe fate will bring us back together one day….or maybe in 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years or even 2 decades. .. Maybe the day will come. It'll be like we never left. We’ll go back to that same lakefront, and we’ll run around the house tickling eachother like the kids we once were.
In the meantime, I’ll just try to keep pushing myself and keep busy. Try to push myself further and further, harder and harder. Try to find out what I am made of. Try to stay strong, but also vulnerable because I have to be. I have to accept what has happened and grow. Just keep my mind free, grow and experience who I am and what this life, my life, is all about.
You know, for that hour to two hours when I run or work out, I focus on myself and lose myself. For that hour to two hours I am fully excused for not caring about anything else in the world but my own body. Just to focus on my breathing. Just putting one foot in front of the other. Focus on running, making it to the finish line . It gives me an excuse to yell, to curse, to push, and even to even cry. It gives me that excuse I need to live.
I’ll keep strong. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I need to do and what changes I need to make. I figure that this is the life I need to re-adjust to. I just need to find the energy, the appetite, and the patience. No matter how strange it feels, I need to find my courage to live this life again. I will keep on missing you, I am sure of that. I am just longing for you so bad it pierces my skin and shatters what's left of this heart. Maybe I will just remind myself to breathe in and breathe out as steadily as possible and wait for the day until it comes naturally again.
It is hard though...to just go back and leave that place. I miss all the trivial things about you…like the lines of your tattoo, the way I fell asleep with my head on your stomach, the way you snore and took up the entire bed... all your little mannerisms. Of course I miss the much bigger things as well.
And I do love you; I do love you with all my heart like I always have. I do await the day we may be together again like we never left. My love for you will last a lifetime. But for now, it's time to head back to that same bus stop and lay in my empty bed, where I can lay my head down and dream. Where I may finally sleep. Where I may begin to finally wake up.
The lake and the garage step will always wait for us my love.
I sit here just thinking and writing, afraid to go home. Afraid to go back to sleep. Afraid to wake up. Sitting here, asking the same questions over and over. Questions that I don’t have the answers to, questions I may never have the answers to. I know I’m just tormenting and exhausting myself by running through my own head over and over, trying to figure it all out. But I can’t help it. Should I try to move on? I can’t, I don’t want to...
I know that soon, I will head home, back to my now empty bed. I’ll go and cry once more before I finally lay down, trying to sleep. And I know as I lay motionless, I’ll just dream of you to comimg through that door like you use to. And You’ll come lay down next to me. You'll tell me you how much you love me and missed me. I’ll wrap my arms around you, holding you tight and kissing you again and we'll fall asleep just like old. And I’ll finally wake up, We'll finally wake up together. Wake up from this nightmare like nothing ever happened. I’ll dream and pray, all along, knowing it won’t happen.
I keep on telling myself one more day, I wish I had one more day or one more hour or one more minute with you. Just one more minute of looking at you or one more embrace or one more kiss or just one more moment feeling your presence. I know that's not true though. One more will never be enough with you.
I don't remember being so selfishly happy as I was when I was with you. It knocks the wind out of me how in just days of being with you could suddenly make the world without you be so unfamiliar. Everything is exactly the same as it once was before you. Same bed, same route, same people, same work but somehow it's different.
“They” keep telling me to pick myself up, each day will get easier. Just go out and keep busy. I keep busy but the moments when I am alone, it all comes flooding back like the unwelcoming waves on this beach. And how can I move on? It feels like I’m cheating on you, cheating myself. It won’t help. Trying to fill that huge empty void with meaningless....it just isn’t going to do it. Nothing can fill the emptyness you've left behind except maybe time itself.
But maybe they are right, maybe each day it will get easier. Maybe the day will finally come when I'll wake up and I won't look over to see if you're there, one day I'll wake up and I won’t think it was all a bad dream, one day I won’t wake up and feel angry with you, with myself, one day the tears will stop flowing from my eyes, one day all the pain and hurt will subside. And maybe one day I will be learn how to let myself go and learn to love someone else but I also know, I'll never love anyone as much as I did love you.
I feel like destiny is just laughing in my face, like our story got cut short. Maybe it didn't, maybe fate brought us together, only to rip us apart. There were so many things I had planned, so many things I wanted to do, so many questions I had, so much I wanted to tell you, so much I wanted to experience with you. Maybe fate will bring us back together one day….or maybe in 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years or even 2 decades. .. Maybe the day will come. It'll be like we never left. We’ll go back to that same lakefront, and we’ll run around the house tickling eachother like the kids we once were.
In the meantime, I’ll just try to keep pushing myself and keep busy. Try to push myself further and further, harder and harder. Try to find out what I am made of. Try to stay strong, but also vulnerable because I have to be. I have to accept what has happened and grow. Just keep my mind free, grow and experience who I am and what this life, my life, is all about.
You know, for that hour to two hours when I run or work out, I focus on myself and lose myself. For that hour to two hours I am fully excused for not caring about anything else in the world but my own body. Just to focus on my breathing. Just putting one foot in front of the other. Focus on running, making it to the finish line . It gives me an excuse to yell, to curse, to push, and even to even cry. It gives me that excuse I need to live.
I’ll keep strong. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I need to do and what changes I need to make. I figure that this is the life I need to re-adjust to. I just need to find the energy, the appetite, and the patience. No matter how strange it feels, I need to find my courage to live this life again. I will keep on missing you, I am sure of that. I am just longing for you so bad it pierces my skin and shatters what's left of this heart. Maybe I will just remind myself to breathe in and breathe out as steadily as possible and wait for the day until it comes naturally again.
It is hard though...to just go back and leave that place. I miss all the trivial things about you…like the lines of your tattoo, the way I fell asleep with my head on your stomach, the way you snore and took up the entire bed... all your little mannerisms. Of course I miss the much bigger things as well.
And I do love you; I do love you with all my heart like I always have. I do await the day we may be together again like we never left. My love for you will last a lifetime. But for now, it's time to head back to that same bus stop and lay in my empty bed, where I can lay my head down and dream. Where I may finally sleep. Where I may begin to finally wake up.
The lake and the garage step will always wait for us my love.
Friday, May 27, 2011
So today I looked at myself in the mirror. Like really looked.. How much longer will I allow BPD and social anxiety to control my emotions, relationships and personal journey?? I don't want it to control it any longer but the actual act of letting go of my security blanket is hard. I still fall back and lean on this wall I have built to eliminate any chance of being hurt further. Funny how I cant include the idea of me not hurting me any longer. I havent lied. Not since last year and that one time with him. Im still trying to be myself and be authentic in my words. It seems the more authentic I am the more I am rejected. Perhaps that is just me rejecting me. Honestly, it is. I hate being afraid of my own potential. Since he left, I have this notion of living life alone. Unfortunatly, that made the social anxiety worse. I am pushing away anyone and everyone from getting close to me or into my small world. I just fill it with sarcasm and humour. I compare everyone to him. I am tired of talking about him.
I think I am more angry at myself for letting myself go 10 steps back. I thought I had this stupid BPD thing under control. I can still turn her on whenever I feel threatened or uncomfortable. I still am threatened by my inner bully who wants to lie when I dont have anything to say. I am so afraid of being alone. I am so more saddened by the recent destruction of my family's divorce.
I am trying to create some much needed boundaries and I am. However, my true voice is so naked and vunerable that everytime I try and state the truth of what I want to say it always comes out more direct and not as diplomatic which then fills me with guilt and self loathing.
I have been taking baths at night to listen to CBT cd and do my writings and self esteem exercises. It helps for the following 24hrs until I need it again. Atleast I am doing that instead of lying or self harm. I have been thinking of making some more definitive goals for myself. If alone is how I really want to be, (because hell no in any way am I getting involved with anyone when I cant even freaking take care of myself) then I need to start building that foundation for me. As he used to say, " a foundation built on bricks and not toothpicks"..
I mis-understand my BPD sometimes. She has so many masks for the faces. I am so predictable. It seems the only time I am 100% comfortable, confident and in control of myself and my emotions is when I am by myself and without outside influence. This is such a limiting and cold place to be when you eliminate contact with anyone who might ruin that emotional control you have designed within. It only adds to the social anxiety and magnifies the lonliness I feel. My future looked so bright at one point. I had the world with him. Even angels have their wicked schemes and he took them to new extremes. Nice line from a rihanna song. I hate the fact that I cant go back and change what I did. I feel guilty and solemn everyday he enters my mind. He will always win, because I keep letting him win. I want him to be praised for giving me so many chances and I want to keep being punished for hurting him, for hurting myself and more importantly for not being able to provide the world for him. I lost my soul mate. How do I even begin to keep moving forward. He is the sole reason beyond my own pain and self suffering...I hate this. I hate it. I kept saying I would never lie again and I couldnt even keep my own word. Thats not good. I gotta get past this. I must!
I ran a 21k marathon last weekend. I was so proud of myself for finishing it and for crossing the line. Even though I collapsed at the finish line with hypothermia and low blood sugar.... It was worth it, I had the old high of pushing my body to the extreme, reminds me of how far I've come since anorexia. Life is such a contradiction sometimes. There is inspiration and amazement in the simplest of things. Why is everything always so complicated? I tried. I fought and fought for something I believed in more than life itself. I am proud of the fact that I am still moving forward towards mental and emotional independance however I am so held back by these chains he has on my heart. Sometimes we cant always have what we want.
My freinds will read this and be angry at me for not being able to let go and thats okay. I am doing my best and taking it day by day just like the rest of us with these issues.
I hope one day I can look at myself in the mirror and know I am where I am supposed to be. For now, I am just a guest in a city that birthed me. Its not where I belong. My soul knows this to be true. And truth is where I belong.
I think I am more angry at myself for letting myself go 10 steps back. I thought I had this stupid BPD thing under control. I can still turn her on whenever I feel threatened or uncomfortable. I still am threatened by my inner bully who wants to lie when I dont have anything to say. I am so afraid of being alone. I am so more saddened by the recent destruction of my family's divorce.
I am trying to create some much needed boundaries and I am. However, my true voice is so naked and vunerable that everytime I try and state the truth of what I want to say it always comes out more direct and not as diplomatic which then fills me with guilt and self loathing.
I have been taking baths at night to listen to CBT cd and do my writings and self esteem exercises. It helps for the following 24hrs until I need it again. Atleast I am doing that instead of lying or self harm. I have been thinking of making some more definitive goals for myself. If alone is how I really want to be, (because hell no in any way am I getting involved with anyone when I cant even freaking take care of myself) then I need to start building that foundation for me. As he used to say, " a foundation built on bricks and not toothpicks"..
I mis-understand my BPD sometimes. She has so many masks for the faces. I am so predictable. It seems the only time I am 100% comfortable, confident and in control of myself and my emotions is when I am by myself and without outside influence. This is such a limiting and cold place to be when you eliminate contact with anyone who might ruin that emotional control you have designed within. It only adds to the social anxiety and magnifies the lonliness I feel. My future looked so bright at one point. I had the world with him. Even angels have their wicked schemes and he took them to new extremes. Nice line from a rihanna song. I hate the fact that I cant go back and change what I did. I feel guilty and solemn everyday he enters my mind. He will always win, because I keep letting him win. I want him to be praised for giving me so many chances and I want to keep being punished for hurting him, for hurting myself and more importantly for not being able to provide the world for him. I lost my soul mate. How do I even begin to keep moving forward. He is the sole reason beyond my own pain and self suffering...I hate this. I hate it. I kept saying I would never lie again and I couldnt even keep my own word. Thats not good. I gotta get past this. I must!
I ran a 21k marathon last weekend. I was so proud of myself for finishing it and for crossing the line. Even though I collapsed at the finish line with hypothermia and low blood sugar.... It was worth it, I had the old high of pushing my body to the extreme, reminds me of how far I've come since anorexia. Life is such a contradiction sometimes. There is inspiration and amazement in the simplest of things. Why is everything always so complicated? I tried. I fought and fought for something I believed in more than life itself. I am proud of the fact that I am still moving forward towards mental and emotional independance however I am so held back by these chains he has on my heart. Sometimes we cant always have what we want.
My freinds will read this and be angry at me for not being able to let go and thats okay. I am doing my best and taking it day by day just like the rest of us with these issues.
I hope one day I can look at myself in the mirror and know I am where I am supposed to be. For now, I am just a guest in a city that birthed me. Its not where I belong. My soul knows this to be true. And truth is where I belong.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
A different light..
Dear You,
I have been hiding in my solitude and silence these many months past; slipping away into the oblivion within. For all my love of words, too often they have failed to give expression to the feeling raging through my heart…
I guess now is one of those times.
There’s music playing mournfully in the background here; but still this silence soaks my soul like the last wave of the turning tide reaching for and succeeding in its yearning for dry land. The silence roaring through these hollow cavities, my own private sea-caves, soothes me yet leaves me unsettled. At the end of the day, with caves overflowing, what is the use in silence? I wish now for poetic words and iridescent phrases to illuminate the dark spaces within. Only, there is nothing. Silence and stillness and a total absence of light to guide me.
I have made my decisions, these past two years, with a clear head but full heart. I have regrets at my choices and no regrets for loving, just this ineffable sadness lurking throughout my rooms of memory. To turn back time and savour those moments with you more deeply is an impossibility. Not because I do not have the means to time travel, for I do. Memory is a blessing I bear – one I often curse because it remembers all too clearly what I have lost. I can walk the corridors of the past with ease, each second with you is fresh and vivid; alive with sight and sound and scent. The impossibility lies in the fact that it is physically, emotionally and mentally beyond me to cherish those moments any more than I did at the time of their creation. They were experienced with more intensity than this frail heart and body should ever have been asked to bear as it was.
The pain lies now in the lack of sensation; the total numbness of my hands and mouth and body when I recall how you held me and kissed me and made love with me. I can’t feel that. Without your touch these memories are just home videos thrown up on the vein-cracked wall of my mind. How is it that a person can still taste another’s mouth and yet be unable to bring to mind the feeling of those lips pressed to hers? How is it that I can still recall with exactness the scent of your skin, with or without cologne, and yet not feel the pressure of that burning body hard up against my own? I truly believe that, were I an artist, I could sculpt your entire form out of clay; every contour of muscle, the hard and the soft of you, to perfection. My hands recall your body with an etched brilliance that Michelangelo would have sold his soul to achieve. Every night my hands run over your body; remembering, reminiscing, yet aching with emptiness.
My hands are empty now and I am no artist to recreate what God intended as a one-off only.
I can see you in my mind, blushing over these feeble words and it makes me smile in a sad sort of way. You will be sitting there reading these sentences and feeling a little fear that I may well be obsessed; but also flattered and smug. Does this assuage your need for hero-worship? Only, if you recall correctly, how tough it was to fight with you that last night and you told me it would never be the same. Was it enough? I knew we were reaching an ending of sorts and I wanted my feelings for you clearly understood. Again, words failed. My silence at that time (and the necessity of silence plainly obvious) was the only expression of emotion left available to me.
Pen now and ink. These are all that are left to me. Again. As usual. Were you here now… what? I no longer know. My head is no longer clear and my heart has overflowed. It is dripping flames of agony and desire and longing throughout and over my body.
I hurt…
what more can I say?
Silence and stillness.
Won’t you come play with me?
Swim in the clear, dark waters we caused to be?
Illuminate this black space,
filled with all the fallen stars I’ve wished upon?
Were you here now…? I’m not sure. Candles? Darkness? Which would better suit? Should I hide still in this solitude? Should I keep myself from reaching beyond my body’s confines to touch yours? Should I be ashamed of these feelings and the actions they require of me to be fulfilled? Possibly I have no shame left. Not after those moments with you. Why should I feel shame for loving someone? I tried to – a couple of times – because society says I am wrong to do what I have done. My mind, my heart, my soul – they disagree. My life, lived the way it has been, would have had me do no less. Only more, were that an option.
It is not. Silence and stillness. For all that lack of light I could still see you clearly. Could you see my face that night? I hope so. I was smiling and laughing softly at your beauty. Silence without stillness. I miss you.
Are you fearing obsession again? Don’t. I’m not. I’ve been obsessed before and this isn’t it. I know it well. I lived with it for eight years. It is a dark and heavy feeling, deep with brooding and self-taught lies. My mind is free of that and clear enough to know the truth. Back then I couldn’t tell the difference between reality and my own brainwashing. I can now. Maybe it’s because I can differentiate between the two that I am so sad. Reality is a harsh and cold place to live at times
I guess now is one of those times.
Why can’t I feel you in my memory? I know the body was designed to forget the sensation of physical pain; was it fair of God to deny us the remembrance of physical pleasure also? Maybe it is a blessing that I do not have that to mourn over; to highlight even more forcibly what I no longer have. I don’t know. All I know is that I miss having you here to light up this darkness, roar through this silence and bring joy into this solitude.
Thank you for the memories… but won’t you please come out to play?
It’s okay.
I know you won’t..
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