It's been quite some time since I've posted anything new on here. A lot has been going on I guess. Since I've last posted, I've completed the 6 week day treatment program with good success. I've accomplished more than I ever thought was possible.
Since my diagnosis back in July 2010 of being told I have Borderline personality disorder, I have worked very hard at calming down my moods and behaviors. It is now November and my diagnosis has changed. This change solely came from within my own self and my desire to live a better life. I do not think that having BPD was a life sentence. My social anxiety has become more of a problem than the BPD itself. I believe and have come to learn that those BPD symptoms I had were a result of my extreme and out of control lying. My constant fears of abandonment, rejection, and being alone stemmed from not wanting to ever get caught with all the lies I did tell. Learning to stop lying has brought up new challenges and new anxieties. Would I ever be honest enough with myself to tell the truth and face all my inner demons?? Would I like to real me?? Truth to be told, it's been 15 yrs since I've actually been my real self.. It's no wonder I had fears! And what about the people in my life that meant the most to me. Would they stay? Or would they never feel they could forgive me? Not knowing the outcome of this therapy is what brought me the most anxiety. I didn't know if I was strong enough to tell the truth to myself or to a group of strangers I'd never met before. I am glad that I proved my own fears wrong!
Throughout all my hard work the past 2 months, the greatest thing I have learned is to be myself. To be myself in group of strangers, as scary as that was, and not be rejected, brought me a sense of happiness and acceptance of myself I've haven't felt in a long time. Frankly, I was about ready to give up. Little did I know, in a sense, I did give up. I gave up on the lies, the deceit, the secrets, the fears of never being good enough. I was tired of having to patch every lie all the time. I know I have said this to myself many times. And everytime I was just buying time. Getting the people closest to me to give me a little more of their energy, love and validation. I am glad I am where I am in this moment. Leaving the safety net of the treatment program was scary for me because I know I have finally learned how to be connected to people being myself. I am learning what it's like to feel and not always be stuck in my mind. I thought that my feelings and emotions were always bad and that made me a bad person. Clearly, I am not. I am a very good person. Just with a lot of confusion about life.
I'm not as confused anymore but I am still in a fragile state and can be broken easily if wanted. I feel like the spring bud on a crocus. Freshly bursting with new life and energy but needing a little extra care as so not to break my new roots. I can still be easily affected by the energies of others and I know it will be a while yet before I feel 100% strong enough to go out there into daily life on my own, get a job and be independent.
I know I still have ways to go on my healing journey but I know I am now able to wake up every morning and look at the sunrise and know I am living authentically. Life is full of wonderful gifts. There is a lot to be grateful for. I do want to start a gratitude journal. I think this would give me some time everyday for ME to focus on the things in my life that I am happy for that I always took for granted. Since being back at home with my wonderful partner, I haven't done much. I have wanted to continue writing and journalling and setting new short term goals. Its a lot harder to apply these things on my own then when I was in the group. It's still easy for me to make excuses and not do the things I know I enjoy. I am making myself stick with the new tools though as I see a HUGE change in myself. Mostly I just feel calm inside. I am trying not to think so much so that is bringing up feelings of mental and emotional exhaustion. I need rest. I need to relax a little before I start this new program. Being on my own without the security of my coordinator and others that have helped me there is tough on some days. I still focus deeply on my body image however even with that I am proud that I am learning to make the connection between my body and my mind and be more the adult with my emotions and not so much the child.
I don't want to look back anymore. Life is hard enough as it is without having to try and make it harder with lies and being fake. I have been continuing to be honest in my daily life and it's getting easier to be. I hope that I can continue to make myself proud. I also know that when we are at our worst is when we are actually at our best.
My mind is just getting back into writing so I don't have much else to write at the moment. I will come back when my mind is on track and not so empty. I suppose that is a good thing for a change.
Cheers.
