Taking Steps Back..

It was then that I knew. The snow falling. The quizzical tone of surrender in your voice. Every bit of it promised disappointment. You were gone. More so for me. Because what excuse had I to keep.

It was then that I first thought you'd be better happy without me. Knew your fate was not mine to have. Not that I ever thought, but I'd flirt with the idea sometimes. Talking to you as if you were already gone. Because they always leave us before we can let go of them.

Family and friends say I am lost. They'll tell me to try and find. But I prefer not to look anymore. I've already seen all the colors the rainbow lays.

They'll tell you it should be enough. That the hurt only proves. They'll tell you all sorts of things. Because they know you'll listen.

But I can't hear anymore what they're saying.

Our time was then. And now is all I am. One wing tries, but isn't sufficient.

Truth comes in sudden bursts and there is nothing I can do. Except watch the explosion.

Artifacts.

So saturate the changes with yourself. Follow the shadow as heavy feet lurch forward. Or appear to. I was myself. Always. Until I let them become. With a broken pen I wrote letters myself. And all was well until it came time to mail them.

There is the mirror in cool disconnect. Magnifying every fraying thread on the screws you twist. There is the envelope as it follows every letter. Fitted like skin to that frail skeleton you write. There is the ink. In hues of the deepest color. Flowing like blood to the end of every single vein in your paper skin.

So much we are. But have never been.

The nothing collects each moment as tomorrow tempts waning debates within. Distilling truth from lies.

Neither quenches my thirst. But both are addictive.

Dangling Particles

It was ugly. As most things are. Blank with futility. Corrupt with hope. As sweet as the first taste. As sour as the last. Every vine betrayed.

With a glance we were closer. Together. The scent of fear my aphrodisiac.

Only subtle shadows dare distinguish us from each other as I looked on astounded at what I had become.

It's not the hunger that is hard to bear. It's only the hunger that I trust. It's the echo as the emptiness quakes under your skin. And through the sound. From the vibrations you feel the utter hollow that is there.

And all I want is to feel whole again.

Anniversary

It will be one year on Sept27 that I've started this journey towards a world I can live in authentically, honestly, without anxiety, paranoia, fear of abandonment and BPD. I would have added a healthy body image to that list but that seems to be a lifetime of work for me. So much has happened and transpired since the initial stages of my recovery. I've lost, gained and changed all in one year. I don't think I've ever been this grateful for the present moment, of all the things I've learned about myself and those around me. Originally, I had such a huge fear of being alone, I was addicted to love, to pain and chaos and suffering. I believed I was nothing without something to talk about. Looking back, I can see now why I wasn't able to move forward or have healthy relationships with freinds,my ex fiance and myself. I just noticed how I added "myself" to the last of the sentence. I've still got work to do. However, nothing has been more rewarding than where I am today and everything I've let go of. I know for a fact I would not have been able to do this without DBT, CBT and group. I wouldn't have been able to survive my strong desire to commit suicide had it not been for countless special people Ive met along the way.
I know in large respects I still have a long way to go but I think that's the beauty of self transformation. It's always a journey of discovery. My body image will always be a struggle for me. I always eat healthy and exercise but the fear of being fat or thinking I am fat takes precedence over alot of things in my life in the presesnt. I miss my ex a lot and think about him everyday. It's not been an easy road but it's been a fruitful one that Im glad I chose. I have managed not to equate my worth by men and have stood by myself in building that relationship with my inner being. It's a lonely spot to be for the most part but I am dealing. The sadness I carry for all the pain and hurt I have caused by my lies is something I carry with me deep in my soul. I am still paying for that through lessons where I am currently being hurt by those few around me who think necessary to take me for granted. I've been lied to a few times by a dear friend and I got a taste of my own medicine. I know now what it must have felt like for my ex and his family and my own for that matter. It will be 365 days on Nov 7 where I will be completly honest for one year.
I'm not sure where the rest of my journey will take me but I am blessed to have been given so many chances to start over. I only hope the next year will be as eye opening as the last. Looking at myself in the mirror and being honest with myself was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. Noone likes to see their own flaws. I had a lot of hate to let go of. When I look at me now though I am proud and honoured to be who I am. And all the people who are now in my past that said I would never change can stare on in disbelief for I was always a kind and generous person. It just took me a little longer to see that than most.
More to come...

Slowly..Slowly..

Slowly..Slowly I will let you go
Slowly..Slowly I will erase you in my mind
Slowly..Slowly I will learn not to cry
Slowly Slowly in my life
I will just let your memory die.
I missed you so much love
But you have forgotten me..
I cried myself to sleep whenever you crossed my mind.
I pretend to be well but more and more I cannot lie.
Keeping you will be unfair and selfish on my part.
So slowly slowly I will let you fly..
slowly slowly I ll let the day pass by.
slowly slowly I will
I will just let my love for you die.

I Can Look Back..

Thank you for 2 good years. 2 Funny years. 2 happy years. I can't look back and say thank god we made it, but i can look back and say thank god we tried. You were my life line, and now you are just a line on my page, in my story, a beautiful one I will never get tired of reading over. But thats what we are now, so, so over.

I miss you and the way you made me smile, but at the same time I know there is nothing left of the old you to miss.

We tried, my baby. We tried. I'm strong enough to know I have to let go.

It doesn't seem fair really...if you think about it. You always ask me how I feel, why I have the expression I have, why do I sigh, why do I pull away when we are talking about the un-named. You get so frustrated because my answer is always the same...I'm fine I say. Or nothing is wrong. And you always say I answer your questions with questions. But I don't want to tell you how I feel. I don't want you to know how much I think about the un-named. I don't want you to know how much I'm hurting and fighting inside between my real mind and the BPD mind. I don't want you to know that it frustrates and confuses when you tell me you want to be with me "that way" when you know how I feel and what I'm going through. I've never been good at confrontations or at being direct in situations like these. Or in situations dealing with the heart. You know that i have been through hell and back and here i sit still tormented by the past. And i havent been able to move forward in all this time. So why are you even considering that I would be ready to take that step. This year when everyone turned on me, you were the only one there and I appreciate that more than you know. I didn't expect to make a best friend. I'm very glad I did. I don't and can't ruin that. The pain we are both feeling isn't healthy. I need space in matters of the heart and soul to figure myself out. I made a promise to myself to be alone until I can learn to love me 100%. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. But you make it hard for me to be honest without hurting you. I dont want to hurt you. But I also need to be honest that doing so and telling you the direct feeling is hard for me because I feel like it would alter the friendship we do have...
I want to forget about everything bad and the pressure and focus on the good. The truth is, I'm utterly terrified. Terrified of being hurt, not being good enough. Terrified of ME. I hate this BPD issue, this social anxiety and eating disorder that I so convienently let "eat" away at me.
As much as I am addicted to love and would run right out and be in a new relationship, I can't. Because right now, I love being alone even more. Being alone may not bring happiness but it will also not bring the sadness and heartache once recently inflicted on me. I feel like a caged canary.
I respect and cherish our friendship and need it to stay the way it is right now. Close, honest, open, respected. I gotta get past this borderline thing, its too present and fresh. I gotta get past my pain and hurt. The un-authentic me is still taking precedence, although I'm honest to a fault now its nothing without ME to back it up.
COnfusion, delerium, frustration and longing for the ME that once was. I miss her. Please come back soon...

Revisited me in my dreams..

Being stuck with these torturing but wonderful moments is like a drug. It's addicting and brings me at ease, but then I can feel it starting to slowly kill me. These memories will never escape my mind. But then again, I wouldn't ever want them too.

Everyday I hope that maybe, just maybe you still love me, you just won't show it. Or that maybe you'll come back to me. I still hope you're doing okay. Everyday I hope you have a good day even if I'm having a bad day. I want to let you know _____ that you're perfect to me. You're the most sweetest, kind, caring and bright person I've ever met. And don't you ever let anyone tell you other wise.

I still have the only picture of us we took together, the email that you sent me explaining why you asked me to marry you. What happened to that person that would call me every night? What happened to that smile?

I don't see you smile anymore. I miss you terribly. You have no idea how bad I'm aching inside. You have no idea what it's like to hear your name, or hear who you've dated or kissed. You have absolute no idea how much you hurt me. You don't even have the guts to say sorry.

How could you do this to me! I loved you and cared for you! I did everything I could to keep this relationship. I even kept my word and I was honest and you never tried! You always started the fights! ALWAYS! DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOLD ME 'FUCK THIS I DON'T NEED A SCUMBAG LIKE YOU!' YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT HURTS!

I wish I could just stay mad at you! But I can't, because I love you too much. Although, even after you said that to me, I was the one that kept apologizing for an hour because you wouldn't say anything back. You're the only person I can see myself with. You're the only person who has ever made me feel this way, what made you fall out of love with me _____. Why are you still doing this to me...

Today I realize how easy it is to go back to that state of being of emotional instability and fragility. I can seem to believe I am stronger than I give myself credit for in this process but as I have just witnessed..all it takes is one comment from someone towards me and I fall back into the pit of PTSD, BPD and social isolation. I don't understand people. I don't. They think that noone else has any issues but them. I suppose saying that could be somewhat ironic but I was never mean purposefully. I was mean because I wasn't being me. My heart is in the back of my throat right now and I feel sad, guilty, confused as to why I feel guilty and I am craving getting up out of this seat at work and running away. Running away from all these people and these feelings of hurt at what I just had said to me. I wont repeat it here because its not worth it but when someone attacks your being its always gonna hurt someone with social anxiety because we have a hard enough time just trying to fit in.
The last few months I have tried to seek out new freindships. Tried to be myself and always tell the truth. Having done so seems to have brought along new issues..I know from personal experience better than most that the truth is never easy to hear but that does that make it morally and socially acceptable to put others down when you don't accept their way of being or thinking?? Im so lost. I don't want to hate people but I'm finding it really hard. I'm finding it hard to know who is good and who is bad. What boundaries do I need to set for myself so situations that hamper my emotional growth don't occur again?? I feel worse than ever.

I realize that to get over my addiction to love and being loved and attention that I just need to be alone for a long time as I have been since he left. I am adjusting being alone but its the not loving part thats hard for me as I feel that equates to my wholeness and worth as an individual. It gave me a place to rest, a shore to this ocean of emotion swirling inside of me.

I know I can't avoid the public or talking or developing new freindships with people along the way but I have to be VERY careful at this time as to who I let into my life and not. I don't want to feel this again. I am reminded of how fragile I am amidst the suit of armour I adorn every day to go out there in public.

My heart and personhood feels bruised right now. I gotta stop taking things personally. It would be so easy for me to just be someone Im not right now and say hurtful things back as what was said to me, however, I ask myself who is the stronger one in this situation. Now, I just want to be the one that walks away. One more lesson and one more tick on my strength meter.
Write more later..

A Question of Control..

I have put myself through some pretty horrible situations. I think having these emotional issues and mental instability is harder to resolve than I thought and I am addicted to love and addicted to addictive behaviors. If that makes any sense. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Nothing makes sense. I am supposed to be following my DBT and CBT exercises and I haven't been. All I do is try and prove myself in my everyday hoping that somehow karma shows him I am a good person. How skewed is that. Living your life in the hopes of someone else's return that probably never will return. I easily float between depression and hyperness on a daily basis. Using humour as a way to deflect my pain and inner suffering. I have been writing and usign the love letter technique regularly, and spending time in nature or by the ocean where I can easily find a sense of solace and inspiration but as soon as I return to the mind I am drawn back into it's relentless thoughts and ideas. I need to continue to conquer this otherwise I will get the best of me.

People have told me I need to be more kind, smile more, be more open. Don't be so serious or all about respect all the time. I haven't let those people sway me from my beliefs and from being myself but somedays its hard to not take their criticism personally or seriously. I felt the social anxiety was getting better the more genuine friends I made and the more I put myself out there, however, I realize I am trying to be the kind and generous and always willing to help friends which is not bad because deep down that's who I really am but it has left me running on empty. What does it take to be a good friend?? Other than the obvious of honesty, trust and authenticity. Maybe I am the good friend and the one's in my life are not.

I had an all encompassing feeling sitting at my desk at work. A vibration that took over my whole heart. I just want him to come back. I don't get this way unless I feel he is thinking of me. I think I am lost and when I am lost and missing him I turn to him and our memories as a way to find permeanance again. A place that provides a memory of beauty, safety and also pain. The pain far out rides the happiness I felt then because I know I can never have it again. I need to go back to that place within that provides that for me. He is not coming back. I cant be co-dependant on him for a sense of self anymore; Co-dependant on him for a sense of worth and belonging. A sense of happiness. To stop that I need to find a method of letting go and believing I am something without him or the military or the brothers and his family I tried so desperatly to make my own family. I wanted to belong. I wanted it all. I had it all. Lies ruined it.

When I think about the end and today's conversation I am reminded of how worthess I feel:

You controlled the situation
(I felt limp + helpless)

You were interesing, funny
(I was tedious + awkward)

You were judging me
(I was judging you)

You were repelled by me
(I was too insecure)

You were in control
(I did not like this)

You left
(I would like for you to resume control)

Mirrors..

Some say, "In order to understand life, one must endure pain".

You would think that after all the pain we have been through we would have this whole "life" thing figured out by now. The hours upon hours of exercise, incessant dieting, starving, puking and excessive calorie counting. I abused you so badly.

My wounds have been rubbed raw so many times, and some of them never go away. It's very painful. It all began that one day in front of the mirror. 15. Naked. Crying. Wishing I could jump out of you. But I couldn't. I was stuck with you.

Then there was treatment and recovery. There is still treatment and recovery.

Even after all the help we've had, I still can't do it. I still can't look at all of you- naked, in the mirror. I can only bear to see one part of you at a time. An arm. One side of a lumpy stomach. The lump on your right butt cheek. It's more than a little overwhelming. Too much. Too heavy.

Sometimes I still don't want to look at all of you until you are fully recovered. Fully skinny...or something.

Some of the wounds will be raw forever. They heal a little over time but then get ripped apart again. It only takes a look, a comment or a reminder of the mess that was once inside of our brain. We're still fragile and we probably always will be.

I try to be nice to you. Truly I do. Some things are just harder to change though. And although we know thoughts are not facts, it's the believing it that has us stuck. I guess that's the one thing I do understand about life.

Love,
Me

Dear, Me

When I tell you I love you, I mean it.
Let that resonate.
I know you're tired and afraid
that you're angry at Hope
and you want to outrun it,
curl up with a cup of aloneness, and die
But you won't
If you try, I will hunt you
sneak up on your neck
breathe up & down it
shoulder to ear
put soft hands on your throat and then
strangle the sadness
right out of you

Lost Ship at Sea..

It’s 2PM, and here I am almost 2.5 years later to the day.... Sitting alone by the ocean. At once we would have sat by the lake there in town on the same bench, by the same trees and then go home where we prepared dinner together, drank some wine, had a bath and talked about our day, like something out of a cheap romance novel. This is same memory where I began to fall in love with you. Where we began our journey together. I’m sitting here in my memory like we once did, but it's not the same as before... It's so lonely, desolate and quiet, not like it once was. The waves, they're taunting me, like they know. The ocean is so cold and oh so unwelcoming. Its not the same as the lake.

I sit here just thinking and writing, afraid to go home. Afraid to go back to sleep. Afraid to wake up. Sitting here, asking the same questions over and over. Questions that I don’t have the answers to, questions I may never have the answers to. I know I’m just tormenting and exhausting myself by running through my own head over and over, trying to figure it all out. But I can’t help it. Should I try to move on? I can’t, I don’t want to...

I know that soon, I will head home, back to my now empty bed. I’ll go and cry once more before I finally lay down, trying to sleep. And I know as I lay motionless, I’ll just dream of you to comimg through that door like you use to. And You’ll come lay down next to me. You'll tell me you how much you love me and missed me. I’ll wrap my arms around you, holding you tight and kissing you again and we'll fall asleep just like old. And I’ll finally wake up, We'll finally wake up together. Wake up from this nightmare like nothing ever happened. I’ll dream and pray, all along, knowing it won’t happen.

I keep on telling myself one more day, I wish I had one more day or one more hour or one more minute with you. Just one more minute of looking at you or one more embrace or one more kiss or just one more moment feeling your presence. I know that's not true though. One more will never be enough with you.

I don't remember being so selfishly happy as I was when I was with you. It knocks the wind out of me how in just days of being with you could suddenly make the world without you be so unfamiliar. Everything is exactly the same as it once was before you. Same bed, same route, same people, same work but somehow it's different.

“They” keep telling me to pick myself up, each day will get easier. Just go out and keep busy. I keep busy but the moments when I am alone, it all comes flooding back like the unwelcoming waves on this beach. And how can I move on? It feels like I’m cheating on you, cheating myself. It won’t help. Trying to fill that huge empty void with meaningless....it just isn’t going to do it. Nothing can fill the emptyness you've left behind except maybe time itself.

But maybe they are right, maybe each day it will get easier. Maybe the day will finally come when I'll wake up and I won't look over to see if you're there, one day I'll wake up and I won’t think it was all a bad dream, one day I won’t wake up and feel angry with you, with myself, one day the tears will stop flowing from my eyes, one day all the pain and hurt will subside. And maybe one day I will be learn how to let myself go and learn to love someone else but I also know, I'll never love anyone as much as I did love you.

I feel like destiny is just laughing in my face, like our story got cut short. Maybe it didn't, maybe fate brought us together, only to rip us apart. There were so many things I had planned, so many things I wanted to do, so many questions I had, so much I wanted to tell you, so much I wanted to experience with you. Maybe fate will bring us back together one day….or maybe in 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years or even 2 decades. .. Maybe the day will come. It'll be like we never left. We’ll go back to that same lakefront, and we’ll run around the house tickling eachother like the kids we once were.

In the meantime, I’ll just try to keep pushing myself and keep busy. Try to push myself further and further, harder and harder. Try to find out what I am made of. Try to stay strong, but also vulnerable because I have to be. I have to accept what has happened and grow. Just keep my mind free, grow and experience who I am and what this life, my life, is all about.

You know, for that hour to two hours when I run or work out, I focus on myself and lose myself. For that hour to two hours I am fully excused for not caring about anything else in the world but my own body. Just to focus on my breathing. Just putting one foot in front of the other. Focus on running, making it to the finish line . It gives me an excuse to yell, to curse, to push, and even to even cry. It gives me that excuse I need to live.
I’ll keep strong. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I need to do and what changes I need to make. I figure that this is the life I need to re-adjust to. I just need to find the energy, the appetite, and the patience. No matter how strange it feels, I need to find my courage to live this life again. I will keep on missing you, I am sure of that. I am just longing for you so bad it pierces my skin and shatters what's left of this heart. Maybe I will just remind myself to breathe in and breathe out as steadily as possible and wait for the day until it comes naturally again.

It is hard though...to just go back and leave that place. I miss all the trivial things about you…like the lines of your tattoo, the way I fell asleep with my head on your stomach, the way you snore and took up the entire bed... all your little mannerisms. Of course I miss the much bigger things as well.

And I do love you; I do love you with all my heart like I always have. I do await the day we may be together again like we never left. My love for you will last a lifetime. But for now, it's time to head back to that same bus stop and lay in my empty bed, where I can lay my head down and dream. Where I may finally sleep. Where I may begin to finally wake up.

The lake and the garage step will always wait for us my love.

So today I looked at myself in the mirror. Like really looked.. How much longer will I allow BPD and social anxiety to control my emotions, relationships and personal journey?? I don't want it to control it any longer but the actual act of letting go of my security blanket is hard. I still fall back and lean on this wall I have built to eliminate any chance of being hurt further. Funny how I cant include the idea of me not hurting me any longer. I havent lied. Not since last year and that one time with him. Im still trying to be myself and be authentic in my words. It seems the more authentic I am the more I am rejected. Perhaps that is just me rejecting me. Honestly, it is. I hate being afraid of my own potential. Since he left, I have this notion of living life alone. Unfortunatly, that made the social anxiety worse. I am pushing away anyone and everyone from getting close to me or into my small world. I just fill it with sarcasm and humour. I compare everyone to him. I am tired of talking about him.
I think I am more angry at myself for letting myself go 10 steps back. I thought I had this stupid BPD thing under control. I can still turn her on whenever I feel threatened or uncomfortable. I still am threatened by my inner bully who wants to lie when I dont have anything to say. I am so afraid of being alone. I am so more saddened by the recent destruction of my family's divorce.
I am trying to create some much needed boundaries and I am. However, my true voice is so naked and vunerable that everytime I try and state the truth of what I want to say it always comes out more direct and not as diplomatic which then fills me with guilt and self loathing.
I have been taking baths at night to listen to CBT cd and do my writings and self esteem exercises. It helps for the following 24hrs until I need it again. Atleast I am doing that instead of lying or self harm. I have been thinking of making some more definitive goals for myself. If alone is how I really want to be, (because hell no in any way am I getting involved with anyone when I cant even freaking take care of myself) then I need to start building that foundation for me. As he used to say, " a foundation built on bricks and not toothpicks"..
I mis-understand my BPD sometimes. She has so many masks for the faces. I am so predictable. It seems the only time I am 100% comfortable, confident and in control of myself and my emotions is when I am by myself and without outside influence. This is such a limiting and cold place to be when you eliminate contact with anyone who might ruin that emotional control you have designed within. It only adds to the social anxiety and magnifies the lonliness I feel. My future looked so bright at one point. I had the world with him. Even angels have their wicked schemes and he took them to new extremes. Nice line from a rihanna song. I hate the fact that I cant go back and change what I did. I feel guilty and solemn everyday he enters my mind. He will always win, because I keep letting him win. I want him to be praised for giving me so many chances and I want to keep being punished for hurting him, for hurting myself and more importantly for not being able to provide the world for him. I lost my soul mate. How do I even begin to keep moving forward. He is the sole reason beyond my own pain and self suffering...I hate this. I hate it. I kept saying I would never lie again and I couldnt even keep my own word. Thats not good. I gotta get past this. I must!

I ran a 21k marathon last weekend. I was so proud  of myself for finishing it and for crossing the line. Even though I collapsed at the finish line with hypothermia and low blood sugar.... It was worth it, I had the old high of pushing my body to the extreme, reminds me of how far I've come since anorexia. Life is such a contradiction sometimes. There is inspiration and amazement in the simplest of things. Why is everything always so complicated? I tried. I fought and fought for something I believed in more than life itself. I am proud of the fact that I am still moving forward towards mental and emotional independance however I am so held back by these chains he has on my heart. Sometimes we cant always have what we want.
My freinds will read this and be angry at me for not being able to let go and thats okay. I am doing my best and taking it day by day just like the rest of us with these issues.
I hope one day I can look at myself in the mirror and know I am where I am supposed to be. For now, I am just a guest in a city that birthed me. Its not where I belong. My soul knows this to be true. And truth is where I belong.

A different light..

This is how I feel today...

Dear You,

I have been hiding in my solitude and silence these many months past; slipping away into the oblivion within. For all my love of words, too often they have failed to give expression to the feeling raging through my heart…
I guess now is one of those times.
There’s music playing mournfully in the background here; but still this silence soaks my soul like the last wave of the turning tide reaching for and succeeding in its yearning for dry land. The silence roaring through these hollow cavities, my own private sea-caves, soothes me yet leaves me unsettled. At the end of the day, with caves overflowing, what is the use in silence? I wish now for poetic words and iridescent phrases to illuminate the dark spaces within. Only, there is nothing. Silence and stillness and a total absence of light to guide me.
I have made my decisions, these past two years, with a clear head but full heart. I have regrets at my choices and no regrets for loving, just this ineffable sadness lurking throughout my rooms of memory. To turn back time and savour those moments with you more deeply is an impossibility. Not because I do not have the means to time travel, for I do. Memory is a blessing I bear – one I often curse because it remembers all too clearly what I have lost. I can walk the corridors of the past with ease, each second with you is fresh and vivid; alive with sight and sound and scent. The impossibility lies in the fact that it is physically, emotionally and mentally beyond me to cherish those moments any more than I did at the time of their creation. They were experienced with more intensity than this frail heart and body should ever have been asked to bear as it was.
The pain lies now in the lack of sensation; the total numbness of my hands and mouth and body when I recall how you held me and kissed me and made love with me. I can’t feel that. Without your touch these memories are just home videos thrown up on the vein-cracked wall of my mind. How is it that a person can still taste another’s mouth and yet be unable to bring to mind the feeling of those lips pressed to hers? How is it that I can still recall with exactness the scent of your skin, with or without cologne, and yet not feel the pressure of that burning body hard up against my own? I truly believe that, were I an artist, I could sculpt your entire form out of clay; every contour of muscle, the hard and the soft of you, to perfection. My hands recall your body with an etched brilliance that Michelangelo would have sold his soul to achieve. Every night my hands run over your body; remembering, reminiscing, yet aching with emptiness.
My hands are empty now and I am no artist to recreate what God intended as a one-off only.
I can see you in my mind, blushing over these feeble words and it makes me smile in a sad sort of way. You will be sitting there reading these sentences and feeling a little fear that I may well be obsessed; but also flattered and smug. Does this assuage your need for hero-worship? Only, if you recall correctly, how tough it was to fight with you that last night and you told me it would never be the same. Was it enough? I knew we were reaching an ending of sorts and I wanted my feelings for you clearly understood. Again, words failed. My silence at that time (and the necessity of silence plainly obvious) was the only expression of emotion left available to me.
Pen now and ink. These are all that are left to me. Again. As usual. Were you here now… what? I no longer know. My head is no longer clear and my heart has overflowed. It is dripping flames of agony and desire and longing throughout and over my body.
I hurt…
what more can I say?
        Silence and stillness.
        Won’t you come play with me?
        Swim in the clear, dark waters we caused to be?
        Illuminate this black space,
        filled with all the fallen stars I’ve wished upon?

Were you here now…? I’m not sure. Candles? Darkness? Which would better suit? Should I hide still in this solitude? Should I keep myself from reaching beyond my body’s confines to touch yours? Should I be ashamed of these feelings and the actions they require of me to be fulfilled? Possibly I have no shame left. Not after those moments with you. Why should I feel shame for loving someone? I tried to – a couple of times – because society says I am wrong to do what I have done. My mind, my heart, my soul – they disagree. My life, lived the way it has been, would have had me do no less. Only more, were that an option.
It is not. Silence and stillness. For all that lack of light I could still see you clearly. Could you see my face that night? I hope so. I was smiling and laughing softly at your beauty. Silence without stillness. I miss you.

Are you fearing obsession again? Don’t. I’m not. I’ve been obsessed before and this isn’t it. I know it well. I lived with it for eight years. It is a dark and heavy feeling, deep with brooding and self-taught lies. My mind is free of that and clear enough to know the truth. Back then I couldn’t tell the difference between reality and my own brainwashing. I can now. Maybe it’s because I can differentiate between the two that I am so sad. Reality is a harsh and cold place to live at times
I guess now is one of those times.
Why can’t I feel you in my memory? I know the body was designed to forget the sensation of physical pain; was it fair of God to deny us the remembrance of physical pleasure also? Maybe it is a blessing that I do not have that to mourn over; to highlight even more forcibly what I no longer have. I don’t know. All I know is that I miss having you here to light up this darkness, roar through this silence and bring joy into this solitude.
Thank you for the memories… but won’t you please come out to play?
It’s okay.
I know you won’t..

Goodbye..

So last night I went out to my favorite spot by the ocean, right up on the rocks with my best friend. I didn't want to be alone and the thought of having to do this ceremony seemed a daunting task to do alone, I would have easily talked myself out of it. The ceremony of saying Goodbye.. My life has taken quite a turn the last few months. He always told me to walk a straight line and stay out of the bushes. However, walking that straight keeps me focused on him and not all the other good things in life it has to offer. I wish I could relay to depths of the hurt and pain and mourning of loss I feel since he has gone. My life had taken itself to a new low. The lessons I have learned in group of being myself and learning how to lean and me and me alone has been a challenge. My friend tells me I have to be with myself at the end of the day and be comforted by my own company. I never thought the day would come where I would be here in this spot alone without him.
Last night was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To say goodbye to someone who impacted your life that deeply in both positive and negative ways is extremely difficult. However, I know for my own health and sanity it is needed. Goodbye doesn't always mean you forget. I can't forget, but I am emotionally and mentally ill by keeping him close to the open wound in my heart. I wish he knew how much burden he left with me. Since returning here 3mos ago, I have built a new wall. I forced myself to swallow back every emotion and every tear I wanted to cry over him. It's not only the tears of pain but of tears of the level of love I will never share again. Last night was the first time I cried til I couldn't cry anymore. The waves crashing into the rocks was almost in sync with the trauma, loss, and pain I feel. A love greater than myself, just like water.
I hope he knows how hard this has been for me. Even if he doesn't that's ok too. I don't want to be the person he thinks I am. I am 100x more than that because I am still following my word. I cried not only for myself but also for the pain and hurt I've caused him. I hope he forgives me for that. And although, his last words to me, after all the love we have shared, was, "I hate you, you are the scum of the earth and always will be nothin" stings more than you can imagine, I know he didn't mean it.
So, I as let go more and more, let the waves of suffering and loss wash over me, I said Goodbye.

------------------------------------
Dear ____________,

Though we have been apart these last few months. I believed that our love would continue to bring us back together. The hope was a comfort and gave me patience to wait for the future. As time has passed, it is pretty clear that you have drifted further and further away from me. I guess it is finally time to acknowledge, to you and myself, that our future will take different paths.

My hope that destiny would somehow bring us back together meant I never really have to say goodbye. As much as that deeply saddens me, I think it is time for me to say goodbye because my mental and emotional health is suffering and has no independance.

Your entry into my life, breathed life into me. It gave me an excitement for each new day and an anticipation to each time I could see you. In all of life, I have never felt so at peace as when I was in your arms. I was encapsulated by your smile, lost in your eyes, and overcome by your personhood. You certainly have had an effect on me. The effect lately though has haunted me with sadness, despair and a longing for your return. I know you will know what I mean when I say I am waiting for the day that will never come as I fade to black.

There will always be a place in me heart of you that will be fondly, fondly remembered. But, it is now time for  me to seek my own future, totally dependant on me and me alone and where I can start to love myself.

As painful as it is to let go, I want you to know that you are always loved by me. I forgive you. I forgive myself. I wish you and your children the brightest future. Most importantly, I hope you are happy.

Goodbye.

A Love for Hate...

You woke me at midnight with thoughts of demise
A fear cradled limp in the palms of my hands
A love so immense it was hard to surmise
Your patrons oppose as your life hits the fan
They questioned my rage but earned no reply
My passion appears so tragicly wild
You drew my senses so incredibly high
Innocence was lost with my inner child
Such strange feelings blinded my verity
A lethal love could slip away with a breath
Others may think you grip my sanity
For a slight error may be my death
A love for hate may be something rhapsodized
But my helpless soul took yours and ran


I'm not sure if relationships can cause mental instability but it sure did with him. To give up everything for one person in the hopes or dreams of happiness and then have to deal with the low of them not being there is hard. The incredible beautiful dependancy we had of eachother's love was something not earthly. Maybe that's why God gave us as much time together as he did. Granted, I did struggle with honesty, authenticity and social anxiety my whole life but this relationship seemed to make all those things worse. Perhaps because my sense of vunerability allowed for me to be open again to being hurt. And even when I healed and recovered, that strength I had gained in group seemed to vanish in a second the night he left. Its been 3mos almost, and I still have a hard time using all the tools Ive gained since group. I realize I am fighting inside because moving on in my heart and mind who mean I know longer carry him with me. Emotionally and mentally I am not ready for that. My friend tells me that the "un-named" isnt having a hard time letting and probably is living life happily. I am the only one suffering by holding on to him. As now the "being with him" is more a memory than a once reality. My moods have been irratic to say the least. Waxing and waning more than moon's cycles. So many lows lately its been hard to get up the motivation to do much. I have been using my dbt workbook, using deep breathing and imagery to calm myself and remind myself I am worth more than I have been giving my soul lately. I haven't been taking my pills, I know this is wrong but I have been slipping off everything for weeks now. What happened to my boundaries?? MY sense of pride?? I need to get back into writing and leisure activities.

I had an appointment last week back at the day treatment program, I am going to back to a support group in the evenings. I hope this helps me get back on track and be around like-minded people who understand what its like to feel like you are suffering all the time. Granted, self inflicted suffering but nonetheless, Im not giving up and I never will. This time I will do it for me and not for anyone else.

I still refuse to let mental illness define who I am...so here we go..AGAIN...

And I have Mental Illness because.....

My love for you was beyond explanation.
I cared, unlike anyone else, i cared to the point that i would give up everything for you.
I wanted to be with you, and from what you told me you wanted to be with me.
The time that we spent together was incredible for me, you gave me a high that nothing else could.

Your beautiful eyes, your beautiful face, waking up to it would make my day better. If it was the last thing that in my living state i would see in this world, i would rest in peace.
You brought me up to a new high, but you took me down to a new low, you made me feel like an idiot, you made me feel like a piece or garbage that you would find in the street.
The choices that you made made, the things that you did to my soul tore my heart apart. I was confused, i was angry, i was sad, i cried, i wept. When it all ended, i was sad, i cried, i wept, i wondered, what was left in life.

i looked up to the stars and asked for answers. Out of the darkness i got glimmers of light, glimmers of hope.

Over the next months, you were in my mind, but slowly, and surely, i thought less and less of you. Like a phoenix, i arose from the ashes and entered the world stronger, and wiser. I finally got rid of the veil over my eyes, i now enter the world trying to be the happiest woman, as someone who will not let bad things bring her down, someone who will take the negative and turn it into a positive, someone who will learn, someone who will laugh, someone who will cry, someone who will always have love to offer and never ask for anything in return.

I do this to get rid of my final thoughts about you, i do this because it ends a chapter of my life. I hope that in the future we could become friends again, not now, not later, but in the far future. I want to forget about you completely so if god decides for us to meet again, when i see you i can do it with a smile on my face. Live long and pursue your dreams, dont give up.

My new Borderline..

Even though I am dealing with the fact I'm not 100% borderline anymore I still see my many sides lately. I wish the other girl in me could let go so I could become the ONE person, woman, individual I want to be. I am obsessed with thinking about him. He hovers over me like a fly wanting to land, however there is no place to rest with my anymore so its just there. I am angry, confused, impatient, lonely, wanting to love ridiculously and be dependant again. More, I want the safety and comfort and peace I had with him being me on the other side of me. If that makes sense. Oh, god, how do I mold these parts of me together and no longer be haunted by emotions and conversations. I feel like a shell of my former healed self. The worse part about it is, he wouldnt care even if I wasn't. I try and do my DBT exercises, diaphramatic breathing and PST's but lately, they dont have the same effect as they did before. I know why. I cant praise myself and believe it like I could believe it when he told me how proud he was of my accomplishments. This shouldn't be a reason to not keep up with my own self healing but its a burden now to be so held back by one individual's way of thinking and being. Still, as much as I feel I want to move forward on some days, I can't let go. I feel like I am letting him down or start feeling guilty if I don't think about it. I have so much to say to him about the last year of healing that he will probably never hear. If you do keep reading this blog dear one, this is for you and this is for the year of having a true borderline personality disorder.even though you told me I made that up to. Well, let me tell you its real.

Dear You,

Once you would have had a cute pet name there, like cookie, my baby or my love. But times change, people change. They become empty faces and blank names to people who were once closest to them. I've often wished this wasn't true, wished thinsg carried on in never ending cycles, emotions changing but never fading to nothing.

And now that little girl ( as you tell me I am) has grown up. And she knows why it can't happen like that. There is a future out there for everyone, no matter what happens or how much you tell me I am the scum of the earth and you hate me and I am worth nothing. I think about you often, wondering how you are, where you are, who you are sharing your bed with on the same side I once lay. I know I can't go back, no matter how much I would in a heartbeat. And furthermore, after all the pain and hurt, I wouldn't want to. This me swallowing my own pride.

I still care for you deeply, pray you look after yourself and pray you'll be okay. You shattered my heart on that cold january night and you didn't care. I understand why you didn't after all the pain and hurt I caused you. Still, it doesn't mean I don't hurt either. I'm the girl, you said I'd always be the girl, your girl. So for them, for me, don't go shattering anyone else's dreams because you were burned in your own past.

I never knew I'd take "you are the only one for me" so literally. But I did. I do.

Love, me

From this day forward..I will get back on my healing track and this time I won't be doing it for anyone else's promises except the one I make to myself. I am not my emotions and I refuse to be a product of my environment.

Til then..

Just For you....

JUST FOR YOU

Just for you, I fit myself into a mold.

I wouldn't do it again if I had to.

Just for you, I changed the way I think, the way I see.

I can't change that now, nor would I want to.

For you I acted like it was all alright.

Like it wasn't tearing me apart inside:

Everything that went unsaid, everything I wish I didn't know.

Well, it was.

Just for you, I pretended to believe,

to swallow every lie you uttered, because it was sweeter than any truth you could ever give.

So take back the promises you made me,

they're all you've left me with.

I don't hate you.

Not anymore than I hate myself for having to confess

I'd do it all again,

Just for you.

I met my dad for lunch yesterday. I think that marks the 3 wk period since he left mom and I hadn't seen him since then. I thought he just wanted to finally spend time with me, somewhere maybe he did. I have worked so hard to try and have a typical father-daughter relationship with him but now I question wether that is what he wants. Anyways, I got in the truck when he came to pick my up at work and he doesn't start driving. So he tells me that he needs to tell me something that I have to promise not to repeat. I am starting to think something is wrong with me that others always come to confide in me. My family must have been totally oblivious to the fact I went through and am still going through group to be myself, be honest and not have secrets, yet they keep asking me to hoard them on my already over-stuffed heart. Anyways, he tells me I have to promise not to tell mom, that he only trusts me and I am his rock..but that he has a girlfriend and her name is Mary and she is really nice and beautiful and he hasn't been this happy in 15yrs.. WOW. informationi over-load. "You just let my mother high and dry and now you are telling me you have a girlfriend and she takes good care of you"....I feel like I am going to throw up. So I told him that's good and I'm glad he is happy..all while tightening the grip on my scarf as to not to cry. I feel so torn. I didn't want to know specifics, I didnt want to know that someone else was better again..how much more loss can I take. He is moving in with this Mary lady in a few mos, WOW..that was quick. I guess it was a lie when he told me there was noone else..Lies, lies and more lies. Is there a pattern here I never saw before..gee, I wonder. Sarcasm intended. Then just to ice that melted cake a little more, he tells me, "I love your mother but I'm just not in love with her, I want to be able to walk down the beach and hold hands and feel wanted"..Granted, everyone has the right to be happy and live their life the way they want, I just don't want to know that he has intentions to be with this lady for a long time and then tell me I have to meet her in 2 wks. Dad tells me I have to choose to not take sides and I felt like saying you are making me keep secrets and know these things and not want me to take sides. Its uncomfortable and gross. And then he has the nerve to ask me if he can borrow another 200$, it's not like I don't have the money, its the principle. I told him fine, but if one cent of it goes towards her I will never speak to you again. I haven't seen the money back yet.

Sigh, I am really tired of this. Not only do I have to be there for mom but now I gotta be there for dad and his new woman..all the while dealing with my own loss. Mom lost it, she is dying of breast cancer, another news flash and my sister is not expected to live past 30. Yan, still hasn't responded to any of my emails. I feel lost, alone, abandoned and I feel resentment, loss, guilt for I dont know what and I handful of remorse and shame on top just for the heck of it.
At times like this I wish I had yan here to talk to.. I really miss our bond. Anyways, back to work. I'll get through this somehow...I thought I had finished climbing my mountain last november in group, that was easy compared to this. Little did I know I hadn't even reached the top yet.

I cant go back

Dear Love,

This song came on the radio the day I came to visit last september and you cried in my arms and said you were torn because you didnt think you would ever see my again... and I send it back to you, even though I know you will never read this..I told you I was sorry and I wouldn't mess up again..I'm sorry you thought my emotional issues were far too greater than your own to handle..I tried, I really tried. Like the song says, it was worth it in the end..you may go on in your life never speaking to me again and I will have to get past my own emotional and mood disorders to accept and deal with that. But I f***ing miss you and your gentleness. What have I done. Nothing in my life will ever be the same. But you already knew that.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJzBcKM3ZIE

Dear Soul-Mate..

Sometimes, I realize I am fighting inside to fill up the space where you once were, and it's too hard, so I stop fighting. And then a wave washes over me, I hear your voice, or see the color of your eyes, or hear your laugh; and I am undone. The tears come out of my eyes, and I weep because I know you are somewhere I cannot reach. I miss you every day, and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life.

I gave the best part of myself to you; whatever is left now of me, is not the same. I gave myself to you, and I do not regret it. Truly, my equal, my best friend, my everything. I cannot be sad for too long, because it isn't right to cry when I think of the warmth and love we shared.

Now you are gone, but I carry you. I truly meant forever when I said it, and I know you did, too. Honestly, I am not afraid of the other side because I know you will be there waiting, however long it takes. As long as I live, no one shall take your place. You. You are so, so wrong about me, and yet nothing will allow you to see that. You've made up your mind. But you're wrong. It's okay. But sometimes I wish we could be together, because I love you, and I like the way our fingers fit together, when we hold hands in the car in the dark, with your children laughing in the back seat.
At the moment, I still have feelings for you, proof is this letter. You made it clear that you do not share those same emotions. I cannot fall into that vicious cycle. There is no worse pain, than those that is unrequited. So, I must let this situation subside. To do that, I must distance myself from you. You say your life was fine before we met and continue to be fine long after. I hope you are wrong.

There may be others for you, but my name is written on your beating heart, and every breath I take, every moment on this earth that I have, will always be in some way, a memorial to you.

Sigh, again another day with my roller coaster emotions. Mental illness this and that, always looming in the bakground trying to suffocate me into staying in the past. I have healed so much. Everyone of my close freinds keep telling me, "if anyone can recover from this, its you". Somedays I believe them, some days I wonder where they get that from. The last year has been a journey of self discovery, admist my diagnosis of social anxiety and borderline personality disorder, in this moment, I feel like I finally am at a point where I know myself the best. I am honest, although some days still, my fears of rejection and abandonment still creep up to frighten me and I want to fabricate to be accepted but I think first and I don't tell a lie. I have lost so much. I have gained insight but lost the things dear to me. I don't think it weighs out. I have been having several mornings this week with manic hyperness, a fuel of emotions wells up inside me I can't control and I am buzzing around like I just found my best freind. I wish that were true. Social anxiety isn't easy to recover from. It isn't easy to get on that crowded bus every morning in my business casual attire and pretend that people aren't looking at me. My hands shake and my head swirls and I escape to the back of the bus for the remaining 45mins til my stop. People notice me, and I notice them noticing me. I check my face in the compact mirror, wondering if there is something wrong with me. Again, I am pre-occupied with thinking I am at fault. What happened to the confident me that used to be able to talk to anyone and not care what they thought.
I am beside myself. The therapist tells me I have come so far and that I am a model of recovery for those also going through what I am going through. People with mental illness don't deal well with loss. I am one of them. Since he left, I have been a mess all the while still working and working towards my goals.

Last week, dad told mom that he was leaving and wanted a divorce. The worse part about it was, he told me first and asked me to keep it a secret. Like I don't have enough problems and I gotta keep something else hidden. Why me. I am angered by this lack of respect. I am not shocked that he is leaving, I am not hurt. I saw this coming, he has never been there anyways, so there isn't much to get accustomed to. He texted me today and said he missed me. I told him again that he had 30yrs to correct that but didn't decide to until now. Everything always happens when someone leaves. As soon as a little stability crawls into my life the universe shatters it again. I can't take much more of this emotional fragility. They don't want me to be involved yet I am still an emotional punching bag for their quarrels between eachother asking me who said what to eachother.

I miss my relationship. I think the borderline in me misses dependancy and I am trying to get away from that. I miss the intense love, the deperatness almost to get back home and be with him, to share my day, to crawl into his arms and know I was safe. Safety isn't what it used to be. Maybe I am making no sense.

All the while I had loved, lost, regretted, never realizing he was more than just there, more than just around. I'll admit I was never a good partner to him, too many lies, too many unanswered questions. Now I've lost him. When I finally realized it was him, it was always him, he was gone. Maybe circumstances can change, and somehow I can show him who I really I am. Until then I will wait, like he did for so long; I will be here.

I am drawing a blank now. More writing tomorrow as this isn't flowing..

How I Feel...

if you're reading this, it means two things. Your gone. And I didn't have a chance for my dream to come true.

I wanted to share a life. I wanted to do all the mundane things that make up a life. I wanted to be the one you came home to and relied on for love and support. I wanted to snuggle into your arms every night. I wanted a chance to know you at your best and your worst. I wanted to grow old together. I wanted to grow old. I wanted so much.

But most of all, I wanted to be your wife. I wanted that since I was 28. I wanted to stand with you and look in each other's eyes and finally say out loud what was in our hearts and have the world affirm it. Our time ran out. Our love didn't.

We were lucky. It hasn't always seemed like it - nights I was awake with tears running down my face and you were miles away in someone else's bed. But we had a second chance to be friends and lovers. These last years were the sweetest because you were in them.

Saying goodbye to you after we were together was so hard. I never wanted to be apart ... ever. Not then. Not now. I hope you know that deep in your soul. We decided together if anyone was going to suffer because of our love, it had to be us. We knew we were gambling against time. I know it hurts to think about what might have been so I want you to think about what was and what always will be. True love doesn't die and there has never been a truer love than ours.

We found each other once. We'll find each other again. I'll be watching out for you. If I can, I'll let you know when I'm there. I always said I'd move heaven and earth to be with you. We'll see how I do.

There are some things I need you to promise me. Promise you'll find someone you can talk to about us. You're going to need to mourn and it's not going to be easy to hide. Promise you won't see this as the end to anything. Promise you will embrace the rest of your life. Every damn minute of it. Until it's time for us to be together forever.

I'll see you on the other side.....

 

Serendipidy

So much has gone on in the last 8 weeks its hard to sum it up into one word. My emotions have been so all over the place. I really thought when I finished the day treatment program that I had graduated myself from living in the past, moved on from self hate, self loathing behaviors, was adult enough to not let my emotions get the best of me. I see now that it was easier learnt and said than done. I feel like that time in the program was so long ago, like it never really happened, you know. I was so  happy then. I want to make myself beleive that it wasn't all an illusion. That what was I working towards for myself and for him wasn't just a waste of time. Like another lesson in life that I'm magically supposed to recover from. Truth be told, 8 weeks ago, I didn't really think I was going to make it. I worked so hard to re-gain his trust and his respect. And I did. To a certain point. I have learnt from this situation that no matter how good things seem and are, or no matter how much one lovely person tells you you are the world to them, secretly deep down in their soul's you just might not be. As hurtful as that is to grasp, its the truth. Maybe I am broken in trusting now just as he was broken in trusting me. Whatever the case, I know I will have to rely on myself from now on, not be dependant on anyone or their words, no matter how much you want to. I will always miss him, I will always hope, dream and pray for him. I don't want to be half a person anymore though. I want to continue to have hope for his return but be a whole person in doing that. I never thought that this would happen, I certainly didnt think that one person's values, beliefs and attitude could shape every one of my own even when they aren't there. My therapist says that was his way of still controlling me. She says him changing his phone # and keeping it unlisted was another way of still controlling me and my life. I don't think that it what he was trying to do, if so, the fact remains that its still hurtful and devastating. To know that one person who used to love you so much and place so much of themselves into you now on the other hand can just as easily turn and hate you. I don't understand how you can shut that off.

Over the last few weeks, I have been keeping my mind busy with work and the gym. Coping mechanisms Ive adopted so that I don't get stuck at home in my head. I've been reading a lot to try and stay out of crying mode, but its hard. I see that he doesn't seem to be very upset at all and that hurts more. However, the strength in me is boundless and I am taken aback outside of my hurt at how determined I am to not make the same mistakes, to start living a life for me. I can be a woman alone and single in this world and I can be happy and successful doing so. Everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to believe they've found their soul-mate. I know I did. Even if he no longer thinks so doesn't wash away the memories for that time. They will always remain a poignant, beautiful, life altering and also hurtful, painful and tiring time. A huge part of me will always hope for his return, will always hold on to the fact that I know he still loves me. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I could be stronger in the area of being able to move on and know whatever happens happens. I'm not there yet. I don't know why I hold him in such high regard. I love him unconditionally. I do know that I've learnt that I will never be on the same level as him. He has told me so many times I have done nothing in my life, that I didn;t have a career like him, don't have kids of my own or have never been married. Admittingly, I know I will never have the kind of career where I will be fulfilled by what I do. However I can make my life better and fulfilling my staying in the moment, by shaping my world by being authentic and honest.  I have done a lot in my life. Just not in the same way as others. And as much as he doesn't think so, a lot of people who are close to me and not close to me continue to look up to me for my persistance in the face of adversity, even if self imposed. I am a good and kind person. I am one of the most nurturing people you will ever meet. I'm just not going to let the good parts about me be mis-used anymore. He never did anything bad to me, he gave me all the chances in the word and he loved me like no other will ever be able to.
I don't know what to say about it anymore. I don't think I'll ever have the closure he thinks we have. He will probably never talk to me again, and as much as I am not ok with that and hurt by it, I have to accept it. I made my mistakes and I cant go back and change them. I do know unequivocably, that I never intentionally wanted to hurt him. I love him dearly. I still defend him like Im there. I still stand up for him and pray for him even though Im sure he's not even thinking of me. I am honest and myself and that is what's most important. This is what I have strived to maintain and Im there. I'm honest, I'm authentic and I'm me. I have nothing and noone to fall back on but myself and for once in my life, no matter how much I love him, I am happy being alone.

Hurt, pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, shame, guilt, pain, rage, turmoil, angst, feelings of despairation..they are all emotions there inside ourselves to teach us lessons about faith, hope and relying on ourselves to get us through. None of these emotions that I've have brough me anything but more heartache. Life is about living in the moment, about seeking out what fulfills us and encompasses us to want to be better people. I am not perfect, I wish I could change the hurt I've caused him and beleive me I miss him deeply. However, I know I have come so far and I will never go back down that road again.

I am hoping this shift in attitude stays. We will see when tomorrow comes.

Cheers

Emptiness

Again, its been a long time since I've wrote. I haven't felt up to much since arriving back at my parents house after the break-up. Here we go again. I dont really know what to write right now, I just wanted to check in. My heart strings and angel wings are broken and I haven't felt like doing anything except cry and mourn the loss or going of my partner 7 weeks ago. What can I say? I worked hard to re-gain his trust and it seemed like all a waste of time to go through therapy and all. I know I was supposed to do it for me. I guess another lesson learned. I hope I will be able to regain some strength, solitude and hopefulness in the coming months but right now all I think about is him and I want him to come back. I am torn. Im sure he feels the same way. I hope he does anyways. He changed his phone number, partially my own fault for calling so much to repair things, but still, he still talks to his ex wives yet he cant speak to me..I thought I was his soul mate as he has told me so many times. The older you get the wiser you become about love and relationships. I will never recover from this one, this was the one true bond Ive always wanted and worked hard to keep. He will always be my soul mate, my best friend, my lover..even if far away..I will never give up hope or give up on us. Call me crazy for thinking this way but what can I say..when you know you know. My mother says I will remain only being half a person without him and I believe this to be true.

I hope he reads this and finds some solice in his heart or atleast some love left for me to see us through another journey. I love you....
Ill write more later, its bed time..

Glass half empty

There has been so much confusion and pain lately I really don't know wether I am coming or going. Since last monday this has been the hardest and most painful week I have gone through in awhile. Forcing myself to turn off my love isn't easy. It seems to come easy for him. Lack of affection, lack of interest, lack of anything of the above has broken my wings and destroyed my heart. What's the point in sharing your vulnerability if it always gets shaken and mis-used. He says that "life will just move on".. I'm not sure how to react to this but to feel more confusion and hurt. I don't get it. I really don't. I just can't move on and pretend nothing has happened; that my heart doesn't feel loneliness and ache for the loss of him no longer being here. The silence between us is enough to make me go back into a state of depression, self-doubt and hurt. Even if things weren't that way and we were talking what would I say anyways?? It feels like my opinion doesn't matter. As much as I am trying to whip out my trusty DBT tool box and try and find the positive in this situation, right now I don't see much of that. It is already hard enough to practice acceptance and gratitude when I am losing the love of my life. He is in the garage right now having his coffee and a cigarette. There have been so many times I've sat on the step and enjoyed that with him. ........I can't bear the sound of the ticking clock as our silence continues as it reminds me of how precious time is and how much time of it I don't have left here in this life with him. Having the love of your life break up with you and say we can still be 'friends' is like your mom telling you your dog died but you can still keep it.
I know that this was all my fault. I didn't want this to happen. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I didn't. He asked me who was the meanest in this relationship the last 2 years. Obviously the appropriate response to his ears would be to say I was. Of course, I was but there were so many good times and without saying it was because I have a mental illness, I was never trying to be mean. Emotions can get out of control. I am not a mean person naturally and I wish that he would just forgive me. So much guilt. It is easy to ask myself over and over again lately what it is that I did that wasn't good enough. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, don't think military enough or am not lovable enough. I will never know the why. It's torture is what it is. I am prepared to spend forever alone. He says that love is not enough. It certainly was enough before. But I bite my tongue and hold back my tears and pray that this nightmare will end soon and the pain and hurt that I feel will somehow vanish into the night and all this will be just a bad dream and I can lay softly in the hollowed out space of his arm pit at night as he kisses my forehead while I fall asleep....

"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our mind how we want our heart to feel. Sometimes we just have to go with, Whatever happens, happens". -Unknown-

Heartache and Tears

Even though you say you aren't changing your mind and your not coming back...after all this time.. we are just "freinds"... as much as that f****ing hurts...just so you know... no one comes close... I am prepared to spend forever alone...

Turning the Mind..

It's been four days since I've told that lie. I am back on track with honesty and truth. As good as that feels, it doesn't seem to be having the same effect as before with my interpersonal relationship. This sounds so wrong. I came to the realization that accepting something is not the same as judging it good. I have decided to tolerate the moment however uncomfortable I have made it. I know I can get us through this. My commitment to accept that this is the way it is right now is not the same as acceptance but has turned me towards the path I am trying desperately to get on. I feel I have made the first step so many times. I am frustrating myself. I am having all these emotions I haven't felt since completion of my last treatment program. I know in my heart that these emotions are solely the after effects of my lie. Everything else is good in my life. I have dealt with the guilt and shame I felt for past actions and burned those as I continued to heal. Having to feel them again really isn't good for my confidence. I am so disappointed in myself. I am even more shameful and guilty knowing that my partner is disappointed in me too.

Reminding myself in these moments of depression and panic requires me to turn my mind over and over and over again. When I am in it, it's not always so easy to remember to take a step back. Being as important and special that he is to me, I panic a lot when there is conflict because I love him so much. Conflict is the last thing I want. I know that turning my mind is me choosing the "accepting road" and not the "rejecting reality" road. I am just so mad at myself for not being respectful on monday night. My mind is full of "should have's" and "I wish" phrases. This wasn't supposed to happen. Me saying that is not really accepting reality. Even though I know I need to. I can't go back and change it. I feel like an idiot. The after effects of shame are worse than feeling the actual emotion I think. I am trying to turn my mind into not believing I am defective but the intense sadness, fear and anger I am experiencing for the first time in 4mos are very strong. I have made new resolutions to change and am trying to fix the harm and damage by changing the present moment. This is not an easy thing to do when I feel like I'm being ignored. Since starting the new program on distress tolerance I am building more positive experiences for myself and my partner. I remember how good I felt when I ended the last program and I need to continue with that positivity because it also had a lasting effect on my partner's attitude as well. I hope it continues to work because I love him very much and want a life with him built around respect and honesty. I wrote a list of what I wanted for us in our relationship. This is the first time I have done something like that but it helped to clearly define what I value in our relationship and the positives I have to offer being my authentic self.

Which brings me to the point of: I know I am not BPD anymore nor have any of its symptoms. My emotions and actions are solely my own choice. I know that my social anxiety can be rectified by more willingness on my part to get active and be more out going, start more conversations and most importantly believe in myself and remain confident in who I am. Learning to be myself is not difficult but it is uncomfortable some days as I continue to struggle to learn or remind myself of who I am. My mom says I do know who I am and that's a boost to my confidence. She has been helping to remind me of the positive qualities I bestow and what I used to be really good at. This new program is good but it doesn't have the same support I was hoping for. Having said that, I know that I am feeling alone in this process so I must rely on my own strength and keep being myself.

I had a point to this entry today but I think I've gotten off track. I will continue to turn my mind and remain truthful to myself and to my partner and I know that we will get through this. My homework for Monday's group is to write a forgiveness letter to myself. I wanted to change it around and have it addressed to me from my partner outlining why he feels so hurt but then I also realized the importance of forgiving myself first and I can do the other letter as a thing for my own healing on my own time. Both would be effective.

I will write more again tomorrow. Getting back into writing has helped me clear my head and see the positives in this current situation. All will get back on track soon. I won't ever give up on myself like that again. I love him so much. There is much to look forward to when I keep a positive attitude for us.

Cheers

Acceptance is the only way out of Hell...

It's been a really long time since I've written anything. AGAIN. I've kind of been trying to get through life normally without being stuck in my head. The last two months have been relatively calm so to speak. I got through christmas with only a few hiccups. Mostly my own expectations of trying to please everyone during the holidays. The stress of that got to me a few times but I worked through it.

The new year is upon me and I have been feeling quite insecure. My high set goals of not wanting this year to be the same as the last has gotten the best of me. I've let myself get stuck in my head again for the first time since digging myself out the black hole I was in last fall. Despite all my hard work and dedication to healing I slipped back a bit and told a lie monday night to my partner. As stupid as it was, I told him the puppy pooped outside when really she did inside. I know that sounds completely immature but I was afraid due to my insecurities that he would be upset if she didn't go outside. I had a panic attack when he questioned me on it and allowed my emotions to control me instead of me controlling them. I pushed him verbally until he was so mad that he said our relationship was over. This attack I had showed me that honestly I still have a lot to move on from. I still have emotions I need to work through.

My lack of good memory lately and growing comfort level with my partner somehow drove me to disregard things others may seem important to them. I've been learning that I'm supposed to put myself first. Doing so was more of a burden that not. It seems the more I put myself first in the healing process the more selfish I am told I am. I have never had bad or negative (hurtful) intentions towards anyone especially my partner. I feel terrible for mondays episode. It could have been avoided. The worst part is I don't have any good explanation for doing it. Carelessness perhaps but that doesn't make it any better. I realize in that moment that I wasn't acting like the adult self and only as the child.. with tantrums, emotions running wild and saying anything to get my way. It's easy to say I'm feeling better, even though I was, when there is no conflict, but when it does happen is the true test of where my success will lie. I really need to continue to work on managing powerful emotions when they arise. I will continue to be the only one suffering if I don't. I really don't want my life to continue like that and I feel I have made great success but I can't forget that my fears and insecurities are still very present even if they sometimes lay dormant when I'm feeling well.

I don't expect anyone to pay for my mistakes. As much as I hate admitting this, they are. I don't want my partner to hurt. Want it or not he is. And even when he says he  is willing to forgive and forget. It really doesn't mean that he's forgotten. IT REALLY DOESN'T! Reality is I need to work harder at combatting this. I can't live like this in my mind any longer. There is no need for me to be dishonest. There really isn't. I am disappointed in myself because I was doing phenomenal. Despite that one lie on monday I haven't told a single lie in 129 days. I'd like to say keep going on that and I will but now I have to start from 0 again. And that really sucks. I deny myself the right to be happy, independent and mature every-time I do. I know I can't take everything so personally. People are entitled to their opinions and to feel what they want to feel. I can't stop it or control it to shield my heart. Truth is, I'm not the only one with exquisitely sensitive emotions. When my partner says all I do is apologize and say "it won't happen again" and that he doesn't believe that anymore, sure it hurts me really bad. But its the truth and all I can do is accept that he is going to feel that way. I don't want to be sorry all the time but atleast saying sorry is a way for me to admit that I did wrong and that I am accepting and respecting his emotions.
Not being able to work and go to therapy is pissing me off. I want to work. I want to contribute to this partnership and give back. Furthermore, just as importantly, I want to be independent and DEPENDENT on myself and be a contributer to society and to my partner in a human way and not an invalid like I feel some days. I know that not working has a lot to do with being stuck in my mind. It allows more time for focusing on my body image or things I want to to better instead of turning the mind to positive things. And although it's never an easy thing or healthy for that matter to constantly remind myself of what I've done wrong or how many lies I've told, I must so I don't go getting to comfortable or self assured. Is this wrong??

Proud as I am to say I am not stuck in my past anymore, being stuck focusing on the future isn't good either. It doesn't help acceptance and being in the moment. Acceptance of this current situation is needed and is the only way out of the hell I continue to create in my mind. Pain creates suffering only when we refuse to accept the pain. Committing to acceptance is not an easy thing. It hurts. I need to build mastery and more self respect and more respect for my partner. And I need to interact with him in a way that makes me feel competent and effective, not helpless and overly dependent. That is the last thing I want. I need to continue to create structure for myself and take on my responsibilities. And, in keeping with my adult self I absolutely must keep acting in a way that my partner keeps loving and respecting me and balance my immediate goals with that of our long term relationship. Because I love him and I love myself and I want us to be happy and healthy.

I am hoping that this new treatment program I am will help tie up the loose ends in my spirit, help me continue to manage my emotions in a healthy way and help bring our bond closer together. This is all I've wanted since the beginning. Accepting that is not what I chose in past actions, I can still change this path for us today so we can be happy together always.

Cheers