Today I realize how easy it is to go back to that state of being of emotional instability and fragility. I can seem to believe I am stronger than I give myself credit for in this process but as I have just witnessed..all it takes is one comment from someone towards me and I fall back into the pit of PTSD, BPD and social isolation. I don't understand people. I don't. They think that noone else has any issues but them. I suppose saying that could be somewhat ironic but I was never mean purposefully. I was mean because I wasn't being me. My heart is in the back of my throat right now and I feel sad, guilty, confused as to why I feel guilty and I am craving getting up out of this seat at work and running away. Running away from all these people and these feelings of hurt at what I just had said to me. I wont repeat it here because its not worth it but when someone attacks your being its always gonna hurt someone with social anxiety because we have a hard enough time just trying to fit in.
The last few months I have tried to seek out new freindships. Tried to be myself and always tell the truth. Having done so seems to have brought along new issues..I know from personal experience better than most that the truth is never easy to hear but that does that make it morally and socially acceptable to put others down when you don't accept their way of being or thinking?? Im so lost. I don't want to hate people but I'm finding it really hard. I'm finding it hard to know who is good and who is bad. What boundaries do I need to set for myself so situations that hamper my emotional growth don't occur again?? I feel worse than ever.

I realize that to get over my addiction to love and being loved and attention that I just need to be alone for a long time as I have been since he left. I am adjusting being alone but its the not loving part thats hard for me as I feel that equates to my wholeness and worth as an individual. It gave me a place to rest, a shore to this ocean of emotion swirling inside of me.

I know I can't avoid the public or talking or developing new freindships with people along the way but I have to be VERY careful at this time as to who I let into my life and not. I don't want to feel this again. I am reminded of how fragile I am amidst the suit of armour I adorn every day to go out there in public.

My heart and personhood feels bruised right now. I gotta stop taking things personally. It would be so easy for me to just be someone Im not right now and say hurtful things back as what was said to me, however, I ask myself who is the stronger one in this situation. Now, I just want to be the one that walks away. One more lesson and one more tick on my strength meter.
Write more later..