A Question of Control..

I have put myself through some pretty horrible situations. I think having these emotional issues and mental instability is harder to resolve than I thought and I am addicted to love and addicted to addictive behaviors. If that makes any sense. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Nothing makes sense. I am supposed to be following my DBT and CBT exercises and I haven't been. All I do is try and prove myself in my everyday hoping that somehow karma shows him I am a good person. How skewed is that. Living your life in the hopes of someone else's return that probably never will return. I easily float between depression and hyperness on a daily basis. Using humour as a way to deflect my pain and inner suffering. I have been writing and usign the love letter technique regularly, and spending time in nature or by the ocean where I can easily find a sense of solace and inspiration but as soon as I return to the mind I am drawn back into it's relentless thoughts and ideas. I need to continue to conquer this otherwise I will get the best of me.

People have told me I need to be more kind, smile more, be more open. Don't be so serious or all about respect all the time. I haven't let those people sway me from my beliefs and from being myself but somedays its hard to not take their criticism personally or seriously. I felt the social anxiety was getting better the more genuine friends I made and the more I put myself out there, however, I realize I am trying to be the kind and generous and always willing to help friends which is not bad because deep down that's who I really am but it has left me running on empty. What does it take to be a good friend?? Other than the obvious of honesty, trust and authenticity. Maybe I am the good friend and the one's in my life are not.

I had an all encompassing feeling sitting at my desk at work. A vibration that took over my whole heart. I just want him to come back. I don't get this way unless I feel he is thinking of me. I think I am lost and when I am lost and missing him I turn to him and our memories as a way to find permeanance again. A place that provides a memory of beauty, safety and also pain. The pain far out rides the happiness I felt then because I know I can never have it again. I need to go back to that place within that provides that for me. He is not coming back. I cant be co-dependant on him for a sense of self anymore; Co-dependant on him for a sense of worth and belonging. A sense of happiness. To stop that I need to find a method of letting go and believing I am something without him or the military or the brothers and his family I tried so desperatly to make my own family. I wanted to belong. I wanted it all. I had it all. Lies ruined it.

When I think about the end and today's conversation I am reminded of how worthess I feel:

You controlled the situation
(I felt limp + helpless)

You were interesing, funny
(I was tedious + awkward)

You were judging me
(I was judging you)

You were repelled by me
(I was too insecure)

You were in control
(I did not like this)

You left
(I would like for you to resume control)