Mirrors..

Some say, "In order to understand life, one must endure pain".

You would think that after all the pain we have been through we would have this whole "life" thing figured out by now. The hours upon hours of exercise, incessant dieting, starving, puking and excessive calorie counting. I abused you so badly.

My wounds have been rubbed raw so many times, and some of them never go away. It's very painful. It all began that one day in front of the mirror. 15. Naked. Crying. Wishing I could jump out of you. But I couldn't. I was stuck with you.

Then there was treatment and recovery. There is still treatment and recovery.

Even after all the help we've had, I still can't do it. I still can't look at all of you- naked, in the mirror. I can only bear to see one part of you at a time. An arm. One side of a lumpy stomach. The lump on your right butt cheek. It's more than a little overwhelming. Too much. Too heavy.

Sometimes I still don't want to look at all of you until you are fully recovered. Fully skinny...or something.

Some of the wounds will be raw forever. They heal a little over time but then get ripped apart again. It only takes a look, a comment or a reminder of the mess that was once inside of our brain. We're still fragile and we probably always will be.

I try to be nice to you. Truly I do. Some things are just harder to change though. And although we know thoughts are not facts, it's the believing it that has us stuck. I guess that's the one thing I do understand about life.

Love,
Me