My new Borderline..

Even though I am dealing with the fact I'm not 100% borderline anymore I still see my many sides lately. I wish the other girl in me could let go so I could become the ONE person, woman, individual I want to be. I am obsessed with thinking about him. He hovers over me like a fly wanting to land, however there is no place to rest with my anymore so its just there. I am angry, confused, impatient, lonely, wanting to love ridiculously and be dependant again. More, I want the safety and comfort and peace I had with him being me on the other side of me. If that makes sense. Oh, god, how do I mold these parts of me together and no longer be haunted by emotions and conversations. I feel like a shell of my former healed self. The worse part about it is, he wouldnt care even if I wasn't. I try and do my DBT exercises, diaphramatic breathing and PST's but lately, they dont have the same effect as they did before. I know why. I cant praise myself and believe it like I could believe it when he told me how proud he was of my accomplishments. This shouldn't be a reason to not keep up with my own self healing but its a burden now to be so held back by one individual's way of thinking and being. Still, as much as I feel I want to move forward on some days, I can't let go. I feel like I am letting him down or start feeling guilty if I don't think about it. I have so much to say to him about the last year of healing that he will probably never hear. If you do keep reading this blog dear one, this is for you and this is for the year of having a true borderline personality disorder.even though you told me I made that up to. Well, let me tell you its real.

Dear You,

Once you would have had a cute pet name there, like cookie, my baby or my love. But times change, people change. They become empty faces and blank names to people who were once closest to them. I've often wished this wasn't true, wished thinsg carried on in never ending cycles, emotions changing but never fading to nothing.

And now that little girl ( as you tell me I am) has grown up. And she knows why it can't happen like that. There is a future out there for everyone, no matter what happens or how much you tell me I am the scum of the earth and you hate me and I am worth nothing. I think about you often, wondering how you are, where you are, who you are sharing your bed with on the same side I once lay. I know I can't go back, no matter how much I would in a heartbeat. And furthermore, after all the pain and hurt, I wouldn't want to. This me swallowing my own pride.

I still care for you deeply, pray you look after yourself and pray you'll be okay. You shattered my heart on that cold january night and you didn't care. I understand why you didn't after all the pain and hurt I caused you. Still, it doesn't mean I don't hurt either. I'm the girl, you said I'd always be the girl, your girl. So for them, for me, don't go shattering anyone else's dreams because you were burned in your own past.

I never knew I'd take "you are the only one for me" so literally. But I did. I do.

Love, me

From this day forward..I will get back on my healing track and this time I won't be doing it for anyone else's promises except the one I make to myself. I am not my emotions and I refuse to be a product of my environment.

Til then..

Just For you....

JUST FOR YOU

Just for you, I fit myself into a mold.

I wouldn't do it again if I had to.

Just for you, I changed the way I think, the way I see.

I can't change that now, nor would I want to.

For you I acted like it was all alright.

Like it wasn't tearing me apart inside:

Everything that went unsaid, everything I wish I didn't know.

Well, it was.

Just for you, I pretended to believe,

to swallow every lie you uttered, because it was sweeter than any truth you could ever give.

So take back the promises you made me,

they're all you've left me with.

I don't hate you.

Not anymore than I hate myself for having to confess

I'd do it all again,

Just for you.

I met my dad for lunch yesterday. I think that marks the 3 wk period since he left mom and I hadn't seen him since then. I thought he just wanted to finally spend time with me, somewhere maybe he did. I have worked so hard to try and have a typical father-daughter relationship with him but now I question wether that is what he wants. Anyways, I got in the truck when he came to pick my up at work and he doesn't start driving. So he tells me that he needs to tell me something that I have to promise not to repeat. I am starting to think something is wrong with me that others always come to confide in me. My family must have been totally oblivious to the fact I went through and am still going through group to be myself, be honest and not have secrets, yet they keep asking me to hoard them on my already over-stuffed heart. Anyways, he tells me I have to promise not to tell mom, that he only trusts me and I am his rock..but that he has a girlfriend and her name is Mary and she is really nice and beautiful and he hasn't been this happy in 15yrs.. WOW. informationi over-load. "You just let my mother high and dry and now you are telling me you have a girlfriend and she takes good care of you"....I feel like I am going to throw up. So I told him that's good and I'm glad he is happy..all while tightening the grip on my scarf as to not to cry. I feel so torn. I didn't want to know specifics, I didnt want to know that someone else was better again..how much more loss can I take. He is moving in with this Mary lady in a few mos, WOW..that was quick. I guess it was a lie when he told me there was noone else..Lies, lies and more lies. Is there a pattern here I never saw before..gee, I wonder. Sarcasm intended. Then just to ice that melted cake a little more, he tells me, "I love your mother but I'm just not in love with her, I want to be able to walk down the beach and hold hands and feel wanted"..Granted, everyone has the right to be happy and live their life the way they want, I just don't want to know that he has intentions to be with this lady for a long time and then tell me I have to meet her in 2 wks. Dad tells me I have to choose to not take sides and I felt like saying you are making me keep secrets and know these things and not want me to take sides. Its uncomfortable and gross. And then he has the nerve to ask me if he can borrow another 200$, it's not like I don't have the money, its the principle. I told him fine, but if one cent of it goes towards her I will never speak to you again. I haven't seen the money back yet.

Sigh, I am really tired of this. Not only do I have to be there for mom but now I gotta be there for dad and his new woman..all the while dealing with my own loss. Mom lost it, she is dying of breast cancer, another news flash and my sister is not expected to live past 30. Yan, still hasn't responded to any of my emails. I feel lost, alone, abandoned and I feel resentment, loss, guilt for I dont know what and I handful of remorse and shame on top just for the heck of it.
At times like this I wish I had yan here to talk to.. I really miss our bond. Anyways, back to work. I'll get through this somehow...I thought I had finished climbing my mountain last november in group, that was easy compared to this. Little did I know I hadn't even reached the top yet.

I cant go back

Dear Love,

This song came on the radio the day I came to visit last september and you cried in my arms and said you were torn because you didnt think you would ever see my again... and I send it back to you, even though I know you will never read this..I told you I was sorry and I wouldn't mess up again..I'm sorry you thought my emotional issues were far too greater than your own to handle..I tried, I really tried. Like the song says, it was worth it in the end..you may go on in your life never speaking to me again and I will have to get past my own emotional and mood disorders to accept and deal with that. But I f***ing miss you and your gentleness. What have I done. Nothing in my life will ever be the same. But you already knew that.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJzBcKM3ZIE

Dear Soul-Mate..

Sometimes, I realize I am fighting inside to fill up the space where you once were, and it's too hard, so I stop fighting. And then a wave washes over me, I hear your voice, or see the color of your eyes, or hear your laugh; and I am undone. The tears come out of my eyes, and I weep because I know you are somewhere I cannot reach. I miss you every day, and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life.

I gave the best part of myself to you; whatever is left now of me, is not the same. I gave myself to you, and I do not regret it. Truly, my equal, my best friend, my everything. I cannot be sad for too long, because it isn't right to cry when I think of the warmth and love we shared.

Now you are gone, but I carry you. I truly meant forever when I said it, and I know you did, too. Honestly, I am not afraid of the other side because I know you will be there waiting, however long it takes. As long as I live, no one shall take your place. You. You are so, so wrong about me, and yet nothing will allow you to see that. You've made up your mind. But you're wrong. It's okay. But sometimes I wish we could be together, because I love you, and I like the way our fingers fit together, when we hold hands in the car in the dark, with your children laughing in the back seat.
At the moment, I still have feelings for you, proof is this letter. You made it clear that you do not share those same emotions. I cannot fall into that vicious cycle. There is no worse pain, than those that is unrequited. So, I must let this situation subside. To do that, I must distance myself from you. You say your life was fine before we met and continue to be fine long after. I hope you are wrong.

There may be others for you, but my name is written on your beating heart, and every breath I take, every moment on this earth that I have, will always be in some way, a memorial to you.

Sigh, again another day with my roller coaster emotions. Mental illness this and that, always looming in the bakground trying to suffocate me into staying in the past. I have healed so much. Everyone of my close freinds keep telling me, "if anyone can recover from this, its you". Somedays I believe them, some days I wonder where they get that from. The last year has been a journey of self discovery, admist my diagnosis of social anxiety and borderline personality disorder, in this moment, I feel like I finally am at a point where I know myself the best. I am honest, although some days still, my fears of rejection and abandonment still creep up to frighten me and I want to fabricate to be accepted but I think first and I don't tell a lie. I have lost so much. I have gained insight but lost the things dear to me. I don't think it weighs out. I have been having several mornings this week with manic hyperness, a fuel of emotions wells up inside me I can't control and I am buzzing around like I just found my best freind. I wish that were true. Social anxiety isn't easy to recover from. It isn't easy to get on that crowded bus every morning in my business casual attire and pretend that people aren't looking at me. My hands shake and my head swirls and I escape to the back of the bus for the remaining 45mins til my stop. People notice me, and I notice them noticing me. I check my face in the compact mirror, wondering if there is something wrong with me. Again, I am pre-occupied with thinking I am at fault. What happened to the confident me that used to be able to talk to anyone and not care what they thought.
I am beside myself. The therapist tells me I have come so far and that I am a model of recovery for those also going through what I am going through. People with mental illness don't deal well with loss. I am one of them. Since he left, I have been a mess all the while still working and working towards my goals.

Last week, dad told mom that he was leaving and wanted a divorce. The worse part about it was, he told me first and asked me to keep it a secret. Like I don't have enough problems and I gotta keep something else hidden. Why me. I am angered by this lack of respect. I am not shocked that he is leaving, I am not hurt. I saw this coming, he has never been there anyways, so there isn't much to get accustomed to. He texted me today and said he missed me. I told him again that he had 30yrs to correct that but didn't decide to until now. Everything always happens when someone leaves. As soon as a little stability crawls into my life the universe shatters it again. I can't take much more of this emotional fragility. They don't want me to be involved yet I am still an emotional punching bag for their quarrels between eachother asking me who said what to eachother.

I miss my relationship. I think the borderline in me misses dependancy and I am trying to get away from that. I miss the intense love, the deperatness almost to get back home and be with him, to share my day, to crawl into his arms and know I was safe. Safety isn't what it used to be. Maybe I am making no sense.

All the while I had loved, lost, regretted, never realizing he was more than just there, more than just around. I'll admit I was never a good partner to him, too many lies, too many unanswered questions. Now I've lost him. When I finally realized it was him, it was always him, he was gone. Maybe circumstances can change, and somehow I can show him who I really I am. Until then I will wait, like he did for so long; I will be here.

I am drawing a blank now. More writing tomorrow as this isn't flowing..

How I Feel...

if you're reading this, it means two things. Your gone. And I didn't have a chance for my dream to come true.

I wanted to share a life. I wanted to do all the mundane things that make up a life. I wanted to be the one you came home to and relied on for love and support. I wanted to snuggle into your arms every night. I wanted a chance to know you at your best and your worst. I wanted to grow old together. I wanted to grow old. I wanted so much.

But most of all, I wanted to be your wife. I wanted that since I was 28. I wanted to stand with you and look in each other's eyes and finally say out loud what was in our hearts and have the world affirm it. Our time ran out. Our love didn't.

We were lucky. It hasn't always seemed like it - nights I was awake with tears running down my face and you were miles away in someone else's bed. But we had a second chance to be friends and lovers. These last years were the sweetest because you were in them.

Saying goodbye to you after we were together was so hard. I never wanted to be apart ... ever. Not then. Not now. I hope you know that deep in your soul. We decided together if anyone was going to suffer because of our love, it had to be us. We knew we were gambling against time. I know it hurts to think about what might have been so I want you to think about what was and what always will be. True love doesn't die and there has never been a truer love than ours.

We found each other once. We'll find each other again. I'll be watching out for you. If I can, I'll let you know when I'm there. I always said I'd move heaven and earth to be with you. We'll see how I do.

There are some things I need you to promise me. Promise you'll find someone you can talk to about us. You're going to need to mourn and it's not going to be easy to hide. Promise you won't see this as the end to anything. Promise you will embrace the rest of your life. Every damn minute of it. Until it's time for us to be together forever.

I'll see you on the other side.....

 

Serendipidy

So much has gone on in the last 8 weeks its hard to sum it up into one word. My emotions have been so all over the place. I really thought when I finished the day treatment program that I had graduated myself from living in the past, moved on from self hate, self loathing behaviors, was adult enough to not let my emotions get the best of me. I see now that it was easier learnt and said than done. I feel like that time in the program was so long ago, like it never really happened, you know. I was so  happy then. I want to make myself beleive that it wasn't all an illusion. That what was I working towards for myself and for him wasn't just a waste of time. Like another lesson in life that I'm magically supposed to recover from. Truth be told, 8 weeks ago, I didn't really think I was going to make it. I worked so hard to re-gain his trust and his respect. And I did. To a certain point. I have learnt from this situation that no matter how good things seem and are, or no matter how much one lovely person tells you you are the world to them, secretly deep down in their soul's you just might not be. As hurtful as that is to grasp, its the truth. Maybe I am broken in trusting now just as he was broken in trusting me. Whatever the case, I know I will have to rely on myself from now on, not be dependant on anyone or their words, no matter how much you want to. I will always miss him, I will always hope, dream and pray for him. I don't want to be half a person anymore though. I want to continue to have hope for his return but be a whole person in doing that. I never thought that this would happen, I certainly didnt think that one person's values, beliefs and attitude could shape every one of my own even when they aren't there. My therapist says that was his way of still controlling me. She says him changing his phone # and keeping it unlisted was another way of still controlling me and my life. I don't think that it what he was trying to do, if so, the fact remains that its still hurtful and devastating. To know that one person who used to love you so much and place so much of themselves into you now on the other hand can just as easily turn and hate you. I don't understand how you can shut that off.

Over the last few weeks, I have been keeping my mind busy with work and the gym. Coping mechanisms Ive adopted so that I don't get stuck at home in my head. I've been reading a lot to try and stay out of crying mode, but its hard. I see that he doesn't seem to be very upset at all and that hurts more. However, the strength in me is boundless and I am taken aback outside of my hurt at how determined I am to not make the same mistakes, to start living a life for me. I can be a woman alone and single in this world and I can be happy and successful doing so. Everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to believe they've found their soul-mate. I know I did. Even if he no longer thinks so doesn't wash away the memories for that time. They will always remain a poignant, beautiful, life altering and also hurtful, painful and tiring time. A huge part of me will always hope for his return, will always hold on to the fact that I know he still loves me. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I could be stronger in the area of being able to move on and know whatever happens happens. I'm not there yet. I don't know why I hold him in such high regard. I love him unconditionally. I do know that I've learnt that I will never be on the same level as him. He has told me so many times I have done nothing in my life, that I didn;t have a career like him, don't have kids of my own or have never been married. Admittingly, I know I will never have the kind of career where I will be fulfilled by what I do. However I can make my life better and fulfilling my staying in the moment, by shaping my world by being authentic and honest.  I have done a lot in my life. Just not in the same way as others. And as much as he doesn't think so, a lot of people who are close to me and not close to me continue to look up to me for my persistance in the face of adversity, even if self imposed. I am a good and kind person. I am one of the most nurturing people you will ever meet. I'm just not going to let the good parts about me be mis-used anymore. He never did anything bad to me, he gave me all the chances in the word and he loved me like no other will ever be able to.
I don't know what to say about it anymore. I don't think I'll ever have the closure he thinks we have. He will probably never talk to me again, and as much as I am not ok with that and hurt by it, I have to accept it. I made my mistakes and I cant go back and change them. I do know unequivocably, that I never intentionally wanted to hurt him. I love him dearly. I still defend him like Im there. I still stand up for him and pray for him even though Im sure he's not even thinking of me. I am honest and myself and that is what's most important. This is what I have strived to maintain and Im there. I'm honest, I'm authentic and I'm me. I have nothing and noone to fall back on but myself and for once in my life, no matter how much I love him, I am happy being alone.

Hurt, pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, shame, guilt, pain, rage, turmoil, angst, feelings of despairation..they are all emotions there inside ourselves to teach us lessons about faith, hope and relying on ourselves to get us through. None of these emotions that I've have brough me anything but more heartache. Life is about living in the moment, about seeking out what fulfills us and encompasses us to want to be better people. I am not perfect, I wish I could change the hurt I've caused him and beleive me I miss him deeply. However, I know I have come so far and I will never go back down that road again.

I am hoping this shift in attitude stays. We will see when tomorrow comes.

Cheers