Serendipidy

So much has gone on in the last 8 weeks its hard to sum it up into one word. My emotions have been so all over the place. I really thought when I finished the day treatment program that I had graduated myself from living in the past, moved on from self hate, self loathing behaviors, was adult enough to not let my emotions get the best of me. I see now that it was easier learnt and said than done. I feel like that time in the program was so long ago, like it never really happened, you know. I was so  happy then. I want to make myself beleive that it wasn't all an illusion. That what was I working towards for myself and for him wasn't just a waste of time. Like another lesson in life that I'm magically supposed to recover from. Truth be told, 8 weeks ago, I didn't really think I was going to make it. I worked so hard to re-gain his trust and his respect. And I did. To a certain point. I have learnt from this situation that no matter how good things seem and are, or no matter how much one lovely person tells you you are the world to them, secretly deep down in their soul's you just might not be. As hurtful as that is to grasp, its the truth. Maybe I am broken in trusting now just as he was broken in trusting me. Whatever the case, I know I will have to rely on myself from now on, not be dependant on anyone or their words, no matter how much you want to. I will always miss him, I will always hope, dream and pray for him. I don't want to be half a person anymore though. I want to continue to have hope for his return but be a whole person in doing that. I never thought that this would happen, I certainly didnt think that one person's values, beliefs and attitude could shape every one of my own even when they aren't there. My therapist says that was his way of still controlling me. She says him changing his phone # and keeping it unlisted was another way of still controlling me and my life. I don't think that it what he was trying to do, if so, the fact remains that its still hurtful and devastating. To know that one person who used to love you so much and place so much of themselves into you now on the other hand can just as easily turn and hate you. I don't understand how you can shut that off.

Over the last few weeks, I have been keeping my mind busy with work and the gym. Coping mechanisms Ive adopted so that I don't get stuck at home in my head. I've been reading a lot to try and stay out of crying mode, but its hard. I see that he doesn't seem to be very upset at all and that hurts more. However, the strength in me is boundless and I am taken aback outside of my hurt at how determined I am to not make the same mistakes, to start living a life for me. I can be a woman alone and single in this world and I can be happy and successful doing so. Everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to believe they've found their soul-mate. I know I did. Even if he no longer thinks so doesn't wash away the memories for that time. They will always remain a poignant, beautiful, life altering and also hurtful, painful and tiring time. A huge part of me will always hope for his return, will always hold on to the fact that I know he still loves me. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I could be stronger in the area of being able to move on and know whatever happens happens. I'm not there yet. I don't know why I hold him in such high regard. I love him unconditionally. I do know that I've learnt that I will never be on the same level as him. He has told me so many times I have done nothing in my life, that I didn;t have a career like him, don't have kids of my own or have never been married. Admittingly, I know I will never have the kind of career where I will be fulfilled by what I do. However I can make my life better and fulfilling my staying in the moment, by shaping my world by being authentic and honest.  I have done a lot in my life. Just not in the same way as others. And as much as he doesn't think so, a lot of people who are close to me and not close to me continue to look up to me for my persistance in the face of adversity, even if self imposed. I am a good and kind person. I am one of the most nurturing people you will ever meet. I'm just not going to let the good parts about me be mis-used anymore. He never did anything bad to me, he gave me all the chances in the word and he loved me like no other will ever be able to.
I don't know what to say about it anymore. I don't think I'll ever have the closure he thinks we have. He will probably never talk to me again, and as much as I am not ok with that and hurt by it, I have to accept it. I made my mistakes and I cant go back and change them. I do know unequivocably, that I never intentionally wanted to hurt him. I love him dearly. I still defend him like Im there. I still stand up for him and pray for him even though Im sure he's not even thinking of me. I am honest and myself and that is what's most important. This is what I have strived to maintain and Im there. I'm honest, I'm authentic and I'm me. I have nothing and noone to fall back on but myself and for once in my life, no matter how much I love him, I am happy being alone.

Hurt, pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, shame, guilt, pain, rage, turmoil, angst, feelings of despairation..they are all emotions there inside ourselves to teach us lessons about faith, hope and relying on ourselves to get us through. None of these emotions that I've have brough me anything but more heartache. Life is about living in the moment, about seeking out what fulfills us and encompasses us to want to be better people. I am not perfect, I wish I could change the hurt I've caused him and beleive me I miss him deeply. However, I know I have come so far and I will never go back down that road again.

I am hoping this shift in attitude stays. We will see when tomorrow comes.

Cheers