My new Borderline..

Even though I am dealing with the fact I'm not 100% borderline anymore I still see my many sides lately. I wish the other girl in me could let go so I could become the ONE person, woman, individual I want to be. I am obsessed with thinking about him. He hovers over me like a fly wanting to land, however there is no place to rest with my anymore so its just there. I am angry, confused, impatient, lonely, wanting to love ridiculously and be dependant again. More, I want the safety and comfort and peace I had with him being me on the other side of me. If that makes sense. Oh, god, how do I mold these parts of me together and no longer be haunted by emotions and conversations. I feel like a shell of my former healed self. The worse part about it is, he wouldnt care even if I wasn't. I try and do my DBT exercises, diaphramatic breathing and PST's but lately, they dont have the same effect as they did before. I know why. I cant praise myself and believe it like I could believe it when he told me how proud he was of my accomplishments. This shouldn't be a reason to not keep up with my own self healing but its a burden now to be so held back by one individual's way of thinking and being. Still, as much as I feel I want to move forward on some days, I can't let go. I feel like I am letting him down or start feeling guilty if I don't think about it. I have so much to say to him about the last year of healing that he will probably never hear. If you do keep reading this blog dear one, this is for you and this is for the year of having a true borderline personality disorder.even though you told me I made that up to. Well, let me tell you its real.

Dear You,

Once you would have had a cute pet name there, like cookie, my baby or my love. But times change, people change. They become empty faces and blank names to people who were once closest to them. I've often wished this wasn't true, wished thinsg carried on in never ending cycles, emotions changing but never fading to nothing.

And now that little girl ( as you tell me I am) has grown up. And she knows why it can't happen like that. There is a future out there for everyone, no matter what happens or how much you tell me I am the scum of the earth and you hate me and I am worth nothing. I think about you often, wondering how you are, where you are, who you are sharing your bed with on the same side I once lay. I know I can't go back, no matter how much I would in a heartbeat. And furthermore, after all the pain and hurt, I wouldn't want to. This me swallowing my own pride.

I still care for you deeply, pray you look after yourself and pray you'll be okay. You shattered my heart on that cold january night and you didn't care. I understand why you didn't after all the pain and hurt I caused you. Still, it doesn't mean I don't hurt either. I'm the girl, you said I'd always be the girl, your girl. So for them, for me, don't go shattering anyone else's dreams because you were burned in your own past.

I never knew I'd take "you are the only one for me" so literally. But I did. I do.

Love, me

From this day forward..I will get back on my healing track and this time I won't be doing it for anyone else's promises except the one I make to myself. I am not my emotions and I refuse to be a product of my environment.

Til then..