Saturday, June 25, 2011

It doesn't seem fair really...if you think about it. You always ask me how I feel, why I have the expression I have, why do I sigh, why do I pull away when we are talking about the un-named. You get so frustrated because my answer is always the same...I'm fine I say. Or nothing is wrong. And you always say I answer your questions with questions. But I don't want to tell you how I feel. I don't want you to know how much I think about the un-named. I don't want you to know how much I'm hurting and fighting inside between my real mind and the BPD mind. I don't want you to know that it frustrates and confuses when you tell me you want to be with me "that way" when you know how I feel and what I'm going through. I've never been good at confrontations or at being direct in situations like these. Or in situations dealing with the heart. You know that i have been through hell and back and here i sit still tormented by the past. And i havent been able to move forward in all this time. So why are you even considering that I would be ready to take that step. This year when everyone turned on me, you were the only one there and I appreciate that more than you know. I didn't expect to make a best friend. I'm very glad I did. I don't and can't ruin that. The pain we are both feeling isn't healthy. I need space in matters of the heart and soul to figure myself out. I made a promise to myself to be alone until I can learn to love me 100%. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. But you make it hard for me to be honest without hurting you. I dont want to hurt you. But I also need to be honest that doing so and telling you the direct feeling is hard for me because I feel like it would alter the friendship we do have...
I want to forget about everything bad and the pressure and focus on the good. The truth is, I'm utterly terrified. Terrified of being hurt, not being good enough. Terrified of ME. I hate this BPD issue, this social anxiety and eating disorder that I so convienently let "eat" away at me.
As much as I am addicted to love and would run right out and be in a new relationship, I can't. Because right now, I love being alone even more. Being alone may not bring happiness but it will also not bring the sadness and heartache once recently inflicted on me. I feel like a caged canary.
I respect and cherish our friendship and need it to stay the way it is right now. Close, honest, open, respected. I gotta get past this borderline thing, its too present and fresh. I gotta get past my pain and hurt. The un-authentic me is still taking precedence, although I'm honest to a fault now its nothing without ME to back it up.
COnfusion, delerium, frustration and longing for the ME that once was. I miss her. Please come back soon...

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Revisited me in my dreams..

Being stuck with these torturing but wonderful moments is like a drug. It's addicting and brings me at ease, but then I can feel it starting to slowly kill me. These memories will never escape my mind. But then again, I wouldn't ever want them too.
Everyday I hope that maybe, just maybe you still love me, you just won't show it. Or that maybe you'll come back to me. I still hope you're doing okay. Everyday I hope you have a good day even if I'm having a bad day. I want to let you know _____ that you're perfect to me. You're the most sweetest, kind, caring and bright person I've ever met. And don't you ever let anyone tell you other wise.
I still have the only picture of us we took together, the email that you sent me explaining why you asked me to marry you. What happened to that person that would call me every night? What happened to that smile?
I don't see you smile anymore. I miss you terribly. You have no idea how bad I'm aching inside. You have no idea what it's like to hear your name, or hear who you've dated or kissed. You have absolute no idea how much you hurt me. You don't even have the guts to say sorry.
How could you do this to me! I loved you and cared for you! I did everything I could to keep this relationship. I even kept my word and I was honest and you never tried! You always started the fights! ALWAYS! DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOLD ME 'FUCK THIS I DON'T NEED A SCUMBAG LIKE YOU!' YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT HURTS!
I wish I could just stay mad at you! But I can't, because I love you too much. Although, even after you said that to me, I was the one that kept apologizing for an hour because you wouldn't say anything back. You're the only person I can see myself with. You're the only person who has ever made me feel this way, what made you fall out of love with me _____. Why are you still doing this to me...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Today I realize how easy it is to go back to that state of being of emotional instability and fragility. I can seem to believe I am stronger than I give myself credit for in this process but as I have just witnessed..all it takes is one comment from someone towards me and I fall back into the pit of PTSD, BPD and social isolation. I don't understand people. I don't. They think that noone else has any issues but them. I suppose saying that could be somewhat ironic but I was never mean purposefully. I was mean because I wasn't being me. My heart is in the back of my throat right now and I feel sad, guilty, confused as to why I feel guilty and I am craving getting up out of this seat at work and running away. Running away from all these people and these feelings of hurt at what I just had said to me. I wont repeat it here because its not worth it but when someone attacks your being its always gonna hurt someone with social anxiety because we have a hard enough time just trying to fit in.
The last few months I have tried to seek out new freindships. Tried to be myself and always tell the truth. Having done so seems to have brought along new issues..I know from personal experience better than most that the truth is never easy to hear but that does that make it morally and socially acceptable to put others down when you don't accept their way of being or thinking?? Im so lost. I don't want to hate people but I'm finding it really hard. I'm finding it hard to know who is good and who is bad. What boundaries do I need to set for myself so situations that hamper my emotional growth don't occur again?? I feel worse than ever.

I realize that to get over my addiction to love and being loved and attention that I just need to be alone for a long time as I have been since he left. I am adjusting being alone but its the not loving part thats hard for me as I feel that equates to my wholeness and worth as an individual. It gave me a place to rest, a shore to this ocean of emotion swirling inside of me.

I know I can't avoid the public or talking or developing new freindships with people along the way but I have to be VERY careful at this time as to who I let into my life and not. I don't want to feel this again. I am reminded of how fragile I am amidst the suit of armour I adorn every day to go out there in public.

My heart and personhood feels bruised right now. I gotta stop taking things personally. It would be so easy for me to just be someone Im not right now and say hurtful things back as what was said to me, however, I ask myself who is the stronger one in this situation. Now, I just want to be the one that walks away. One more lesson and one more tick on my strength meter.
Write more later..

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

A Question of Control..

I have put myself through some pretty horrible situations. I think having these emotional issues and mental instability is harder to resolve than I thought and I am addicted to love and addicted to addictive behaviors. If that makes any sense. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Nothing makes sense. I am supposed to be following my DBT and CBT exercises and I haven't been. All I do is try and prove myself in my everyday hoping that somehow karma shows him I am a good person. How skewed is that. Living your life in the hopes of someone else's return that probably never will return. I easily float between depression and hyperness on a daily basis. Using humour as a way to deflect my pain and inner suffering. I have been writing and usign the love letter technique regularly, and spending time in nature or by the ocean where I can easily find a sense of solace and inspiration but as soon as I return to the mind I am drawn back into it's relentless thoughts and ideas. I need to continue to conquer this otherwise I will get the best of me.

People have told me I need to be more kind, smile more, be more open. Don't be so serious or all about respect all the time. I haven't let those people sway me from my beliefs and from being myself but somedays its hard to not take their criticism personally or seriously. I felt the social anxiety was getting better the more genuine friends I made and the more I put myself out there, however, I realize I am trying to be the kind and generous and always willing to help friends which is not bad because deep down that's who I really am but it has left me running on empty. What does it take to be a good friend?? Other than the obvious of honesty, trust and authenticity. Maybe I am the good friend and the one's in my life are not.

I had an all encompassing feeling sitting at my desk at work. A vibration that took over my whole heart. I just want him to come back. I don't get this way unless I feel he is thinking of me. I think I am lost and when I am lost and missing him I turn to him and our memories as a way to find permeanance again. A place that provides a memory of beauty, safety and also pain. The pain far out rides the happiness I felt then because I know I can never have it again. I need to go back to that place within that provides that for me. He is not coming back. I cant be co-dependant on him for a sense of self anymore; Co-dependant on him for a sense of worth and belonging. A sense of happiness. To stop that I need to find a method of letting go and believing I am something without him or the military or the brothers and his family I tried so desperatly to make my own family. I wanted to belong. I wanted it all. I had it all. Lies ruined it.

When I think about the end and today's conversation I am reminded of how worthess I feel:

You controlled the situation
(I felt limp + helpless)

You were interesing, funny
(I was tedious + awkward)

You were judging me
(I was judging you)

You were repelled by me
(I was too insecure)

You were in control
(I did not like this)

You left
(I would like for you to resume control)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Mirrors..

Some say, "In order to understand life, one must endure pain".

You would think that after all the pain we have been through we would have this whole "life" thing figured out by now. The hours upon hours of exercise, incessant dieting, starving, puking and excessive calorie counting. I abused you so badly.

My wounds have been rubbed raw so many times, and some of them never go away. It's very painful. It all began that one day in front of the mirror. 15. Naked. Crying. Wishing I could jump out of you. But I couldn't. I was stuck with you.

Then there was treatment and recovery. There is still treatment and recovery.

Even after all the help we've had, I still can't do it. I still can't look at all of you- naked, in the mirror. I can only bear to see one part of you at a time. An arm. One side of a lumpy stomach. The lump on your right butt cheek. It's more than a little overwhelming. Too much. Too heavy.

Sometimes I still don't want to look at all of you until you are fully recovered. Fully skinny...or something.

Some of the wounds will be raw forever. They heal a little over time but then get ripped apart again. It only takes a look, a comment or a reminder of the mess that was once inside of our brain. We're still fragile and we probably always will be.

I try to be nice to you. Truly I do. Some things are just harder to change though. And although we know thoughts are not facts, it's the believing it that has us stuck. I guess that's the one thing I do understand about life.

Love,
Me
Dear, Me

When I tell you I love you, I mean it.
Let that resonate.

I know you're tired and afraid
that you're angry at Hope
and you want to outrun it,
curl up with a cup of aloneness, and die

But you won't
If you try, I will hunt you
sneak up on your neck
breathe up & down it
shoulder to ear

put soft hands on your throat and then
strangle the sadness
right out of you