Dear Lies,
I wanted to write you a letter today to tell you how I really feel about this whole mess and the pain and torture you have put me through..
I don't think you have any idea how destructful our freindship has been, if that's what you call it. I feel I need to get a few things out in the open with you if you don't mind because I have kept them inside for too long and I don't want to feel sad and guilty anymore.
You see I no longer feel that our friendship is of benefit to me at this stage of my life. I don't really know why we ever became friends because all you have done is belittle me, bring me down, negatively affect my health and well-being and destroyed many important relationships and almost turned the people I care for the most away from me. You have made me angry, sad, depressed, detached from normal things, you have taken away my pride, my esteem and most importantly my truth and my voice. You have caused me stress, made me cry for 15 yrs and made me feel inadequate.
I feel it is best if we dont see eachother anymore. My life no longer has room for you in it. I will no longer support you or listen to what you think is best for me or what path I should take. I will no longer allow you to steal my freedom, my kindness, my faith and my truth. I will no longer let you control or change the way I am. I will no longer allow you to destroy my relationship as I am happy now and I want to live a happy and honest life with my partner. I will no longer let you be the little nagging voice in the back of mind telling me I am worthless or that if I do this I will be better, more perfect, more accepted or approved of. I am accepted and approved and loved the way I am and I no longer have room for your stupidities, your manipulation and your secrets.
I will no longer be communicating with you and I hope that you will respect this wish and do not return. I want you to know that if you do that there will be consequences for that entry back into my life. I will not go down that road and refuse to allow it. I have accepted the mistakes that you have made and I accept and forgive myself for allowing you into my life. I want to say goodbye now because I don't want to be sad anymore and I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough either. I am worth more than you and I will no longer allow you to tell me different.
Good bye Lies.
Jennifer
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Feelings vs Behaviors
Goodness, I feel like my head as been through the ringer today. I just got back from day 6 of my 6 week day treatment program. I woke up feeling calm, rested, balanced. I am very determined to continue my healing and get to a spot where I am comfortable being myself and balanced in my relationship. I am doing this and I will never give up!
I had a really great day yesterday talking with my partner on the phone. I feel blessed that there is still such great connection and communication after all my lies. I am working very hard at re-gaining his trust. I know I have to listen to how he feels about it all as that is his way of letting the past year of pain and chaos go. In a way I am grateful that I can hear the damage I've caused but on the other hand noone likes having to hear what the pain they caused to the ones closest to them. Hearing it brings up resistance, anger towards myself, I become defensive. The truth is never an easy thing to hear especially when you know you are doing more than your best to change it. The resistance is there because for so long I never thought I would get caught with the lies I did tell. Maybe it took one hell of a man and being deeply in love for me to get caught. I don't know. I'm still digging up all them in a sense until I get to the root of it all and get to a spot where I can let it all go.
Today in feelings group we were faced with the topic of discussion on "fear of abandonment". Oooh, that's a good one. I've neatly tucked this emotion away thinking I could deal with it later but apparently its the root source of all my current problems. I can see that. We had to write a letter to one of our parents explaining to them how we felt towards them in an effort to release our hurts, fears and angers. I chose writing one to my dad. Frankly, this was hard for me to write. I have much resentement towards my dad. I have much emotions towards the both of them for that matter but nonetheless, I prepared myself saying I wouldn't cry but I did. Half of that crying was nervousness, the other half was repressed pain and shame and feeling for so long like I wasn't good enough for him. Why did I never feel good enough when he was never there to begin with? His lack of concern and lack of emotion towards me and lack of affection fostered a belief inside my heart that I was not worthy of his love... My dad has missed out on all my important things in life. He was never there to go to my concerts, he didnt show up on my birthdays or my graduation, he went fishing on my prom, was working when I was in the hospital. He never once has told me he loved me, or given me a hug. He was always somehow there though to put me down, tell me what I was doing wrong or to tell me to grow up. Is this just tough love? Or no love? I am angry that he was never been there when I needed him the most. I am angry that he favours fishing, work, his buddies and his power tools than spending time with his daughters or even asking me how my day was. I am angry that he has given up on our family. I am angry that he never showed any emotion when my mom was trying to beat breast cancer and even then he sat on the couch and ate pizza. Don't get me wrong, the critic is me is hating me right now for saying the truth about him as I know in my heart that he is a good man and works hard and gave me everything I needed to survive. Everything but love. There is a difference between knowing someone loves you and actually expressing it physically or verbally. I can see that his lack of concern for me growing up has in a sense dictated a lot of my own relationships in the past. The way of thinking that I didn't deserve to be taken care of. If I pretend to be perfect or tell a lie to put on the impression that I am well maybe the guy will love me more. I always made mistakes, I always feared being let down and being told I wasnt good enough because that's what I thought to be true. In the end, I destroyed every relationship I was in, outside of the fact these past relationships weren't healthy for me anyways, because if I destroyed it first well the guy wouldnt have a chance to hurt me first. What a cycle to be in!
I will not send this letter to my dad quite yet as I'm not ready emotionally to send it. Im still fearing the outcome more than being true to myself and the truth of letting him know how I feel towards his behavior is strong. I am intimidated by my dad and on the other end I don't want to hurt him either because in a way I forgive him for never being there because my mom was never there for him either. One big happy family ignoring everyone and walking on eggshells. I refuse to bring myself down in this situation any longer. I will not let my family's individual personalities, likes/dislikes and own unhealthy patterns define who I am any longer or how I feel. They may not support this healthy and positive change in me but that's okay because I'm doing this for me so I can live a happy and healthy life with my partner and not make the same mistakes. I am beyond happy with my partner and want many things for us, I have many dreams and goals that I cant even imagine doing without him and that is was true partnership is about: building a team and not pulling in opposite directions.What they taught me doesnt neccesarily mean that its right for me in my own life. They did what they thought was best because thats what they were taught or shown.
I refuse to be an emotional ball of destruction. I refuse to let their emotions and attitudes get the best of me any longer. I am willing to let go of that and of them if I have to in order to stay true to myself. I no longer want to be afraid of their opinions of me or wether they approve of what I'm wearing or where I'm living. What matters is I'm happy being me. ME. I'm fine being me. I will no longer stuff away my emotions because someone else is more important and their situation requires more attention. I am a human being too and I deserve all the same gifts in life as anyone else regardless of my own personal struggles or diagnosis.
I am reminding myself that my thoughts and feelings are not facts and I should start comparing myself to myself. I will never give up and I will forever remain strong and true to myself, my personal integrity, and my partner who I love so much. I will continue to show myself and show him that I can do this. In the end, thats all that matters to me. Making the right choices from now on and being happy. I'm believing in ME just like my partner has done for the last year and a half. Without him I don't know where I'd be. So thank you to him for being my everything and for being my light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I owe you this.
Til next time...
I had a really great day yesterday talking with my partner on the phone. I feel blessed that there is still such great connection and communication after all my lies. I am working very hard at re-gaining his trust. I know I have to listen to how he feels about it all as that is his way of letting the past year of pain and chaos go. In a way I am grateful that I can hear the damage I've caused but on the other hand noone likes having to hear what the pain they caused to the ones closest to them. Hearing it brings up resistance, anger towards myself, I become defensive. The truth is never an easy thing to hear especially when you know you are doing more than your best to change it. The resistance is there because for so long I never thought I would get caught with the lies I did tell. Maybe it took one hell of a man and being deeply in love for me to get caught. I don't know. I'm still digging up all them in a sense until I get to the root of it all and get to a spot where I can let it all go.
Today in feelings group we were faced with the topic of discussion on "fear of abandonment". Oooh, that's a good one. I've neatly tucked this emotion away thinking I could deal with it later but apparently its the root source of all my current problems. I can see that. We had to write a letter to one of our parents explaining to them how we felt towards them in an effort to release our hurts, fears and angers. I chose writing one to my dad. Frankly, this was hard for me to write. I have much resentement towards my dad. I have much emotions towards the both of them for that matter but nonetheless, I prepared myself saying I wouldn't cry but I did. Half of that crying was nervousness, the other half was repressed pain and shame and feeling for so long like I wasn't good enough for him. Why did I never feel good enough when he was never there to begin with? His lack of concern and lack of emotion towards me and lack of affection fostered a belief inside my heart that I was not worthy of his love... My dad has missed out on all my important things in life. He was never there to go to my concerts, he didnt show up on my birthdays or my graduation, he went fishing on my prom, was working when I was in the hospital. He never once has told me he loved me, or given me a hug. He was always somehow there though to put me down, tell me what I was doing wrong or to tell me to grow up. Is this just tough love? Or no love? I am angry that he was never been there when I needed him the most. I am angry that he favours fishing, work, his buddies and his power tools than spending time with his daughters or even asking me how my day was. I am angry that he has given up on our family. I am angry that he never showed any emotion when my mom was trying to beat breast cancer and even then he sat on the couch and ate pizza. Don't get me wrong, the critic is me is hating me right now for saying the truth about him as I know in my heart that he is a good man and works hard and gave me everything I needed to survive. Everything but love. There is a difference between knowing someone loves you and actually expressing it physically or verbally. I can see that his lack of concern for me growing up has in a sense dictated a lot of my own relationships in the past. The way of thinking that I didn't deserve to be taken care of. If I pretend to be perfect or tell a lie to put on the impression that I am well maybe the guy will love me more. I always made mistakes, I always feared being let down and being told I wasnt good enough because that's what I thought to be true. In the end, I destroyed every relationship I was in, outside of the fact these past relationships weren't healthy for me anyways, because if I destroyed it first well the guy wouldnt have a chance to hurt me first. What a cycle to be in!
I will not send this letter to my dad quite yet as I'm not ready emotionally to send it. Im still fearing the outcome more than being true to myself and the truth of letting him know how I feel towards his behavior is strong. I am intimidated by my dad and on the other end I don't want to hurt him either because in a way I forgive him for never being there because my mom was never there for him either. One big happy family ignoring everyone and walking on eggshells. I refuse to bring myself down in this situation any longer. I will not let my family's individual personalities, likes/dislikes and own unhealthy patterns define who I am any longer or how I feel. They may not support this healthy and positive change in me but that's okay because I'm doing this for me so I can live a happy and healthy life with my partner and not make the same mistakes. I am beyond happy with my partner and want many things for us, I have many dreams and goals that I cant even imagine doing without him and that is was true partnership is about: building a team and not pulling in opposite directions.What they taught me doesnt neccesarily mean that its right for me in my own life. They did what they thought was best because thats what they were taught or shown.
I refuse to be an emotional ball of destruction. I refuse to let their emotions and attitudes get the best of me any longer. I am willing to let go of that and of them if I have to in order to stay true to myself. I no longer want to be afraid of their opinions of me or wether they approve of what I'm wearing or where I'm living. What matters is I'm happy being me. ME. I'm fine being me. I will no longer stuff away my emotions because someone else is more important and their situation requires more attention. I am a human being too and I deserve all the same gifts in life as anyone else regardless of my own personal struggles or diagnosis.
I am reminding myself that my thoughts and feelings are not facts and I should start comparing myself to myself. I will never give up and I will forever remain strong and true to myself, my personal integrity, and my partner who I love so much. I will continue to show myself and show him that I can do this. In the end, thats all that matters to me. Making the right choices from now on and being happy. I'm believing in ME just like my partner has done for the last year and a half. Without him I don't know where I'd be. So thank you to him for being my everything and for being my light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I owe you this.
Til next time...
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Body, ____, Spirit: Lines on the Border
So this is a relatively new thing for me. Im not really sure where to start. My aim in this blog is to hopefully learn how to express my true self as that seems to be the growing problem for me in my life. I have gone through many my own self inflicted traumas ranging from anorexia, bulimia, self harm, habitual lying and now borderline personality "symptoms" and social anxiety. I know most of these "symptoms" stem from my lack of truth thereof and constantly being on auto-pilot for the last 15 years parnaoid about my own tales.
At first I didn't accept the diagnosis of having BPD or social anxiety except that it put a face to the shame and fear of abandonment/rejection I've always felt. I hope by starting this blog that I can share some of my struggles and also share my triumps as I continue on this healing journey. I am in a day treatment program that is teaching me the invaluable lesson of being yourself. "Be Myself", that terms used to seem so distant in my mind. Still, Im not really sure where to find all of that woman except to keep looking within and looking forward. The quest to find her and BE her pushes me to never give up.
All throughout my life, especially post anorexia Ive been learning about the term "body, mind, spirit". I was never really sure to be honest what it all meant or what it all entailed until I tried to heal myself from anorexia all on my own and was faced with much inner resistance. During that time I met a mentor so to speak who taught me about the concept of "energy". Growing up I have always viewed everything around me from a purely intellectual way. When what I was thinking no longer served me in that I was not going anywhere and I was just creating more pain for myself I was faced with the tough fork in the road decision as to which direction I would take my life. Believe me, every fiber of my being resisted moving forward. Fearing becoming fat, fearing what people would think of this new ME, fearful of rejection on a new level. And above all, fearful that all the attention I had gained from being stick thin would fade and I wouldn't have enough to "fill" me. In my recovery from anorexia I was forced to look within. I didnt want to look within. What did looking within have to do with wanting to be skinny on the outside? In my last year of recovery I became obsessed with food, only on the different side. I was addicted to cooking, calories, recipes, lists of food, lists of everything that revolved around food. I became the encylopedia for foodies. I knew the calorie content in everything. This was my best freind. So I became a natural nutritionist. Suddenly, I had to change my past viewpoints. I had to adopt a more 'holistic' approach to living as a whole. I came to realize at this point that to live as 'whole' we all must do things everyday that nourish and feed ourselves "body, mind, spirit". "Great", I said. This is fantastic. Ill be healed in no time. Or so that's what I made people believe.
For years I lived by this way of thinking. Body, mind, spirit about the whole situation. This outward fantasy could only be kept up for so long. I had a new addiction now, it was awesome. I became absorbed and obsessed with being 'perfect', the constant self fixing when I didnt need to be fixed approach nearly killed me. I am very well aware of the self fixing, "never be hungry again" on this diet fad we see plastered all over magazines and in gyms. Still, I became obsessed with this newfound way of thinking. I let it guide all my decision, daily living, relationships and personal integrity. I've come to see that I can't achieve balance in one without the other. Lately, I have been trying to balance my mind and spirit because its seemed to have wandered into the darkness of despair, lies, a fake sense of self. I've seen the effects in the past of opening up my spirit so in order to heal my mind...er body however it seems much more of a challenge this time around. It was not always an easy task for me all the times Ive tried to get help. How do you ask for help or try and achieve balance when you don't know what kind of balance you are trying to achieve?! Thank goodness for a wonderful partner who gently and many times not so gently reminded me to go back to these original teachings.
Over the course of my therapy I've had many ups and downs. More downs but the last week was full of ups. I have come to see that I have spent much of my life equating 'wholeness' with just my body and by the opinions of those around me. I have used and abused my physical body, my mind and my integrity and personal respect to gain the approval of my freinds and family. I thought this would allow me to obtain happiness. But, as I see now, I wasn't happy. My lies turned me into a walking ball of destruction and the pain and hurt of the people I loved so dearly were the broken glass at the bottom of my feet. Since the last 15 yrs I have lied about everything even down to the colour of nail polish on my toes. Obviously, the only that suffered besides my dear loved ones was my mind and spirit and my own sense of self. I no longer even trusted who I was. This is a very dangerous spot to be in.
For the last year I have been to countless doctors, specialists, clinicians, counsellors, social workers and therapists looking to them to tell me the reason for my mental fogginess. My anxiety in social situations, my fears of rejection/abandonment, the aching stress in the back of my throat. I wish I had of known then what I know now. That all the stress and confusion was my own lies coming back to bite me in the butt. I searched to all of these people, crying for attention. I wanted a quick fix. Why did I have to feel this way? Why did I have to lie to cover up the fears I had since I was a child, the shame and hurt and lonliness Ive felt. Why all of a sudden did the girl I tried to heal 6yrs previous suddenly need tending to again? I went from being the shy, smiley, always happy girl to the un-motivated and withdrawn girl that keeps running. I have spent countless lonely hours in the dark caves of my mind wanting to get out but not knowing how. I locked myself away in my own prison as punishment for the lies Ive told and the pain Ive caused. Some days I've been as strong as my tears will allow. Sometimes it felt like I didn't even have enough of those. Nothing ever un-natural ever passed my lips and now here I was, the au naturel post anorexic liar popping pills to stabilize my body, mind and spirit.
Then I came to realize 7 weeks ago when I finally hit rock bottom that to heal my mind & spirit I would have to open up my innner core and talk about the real issues. The issues I have been running away from for too long now. The abandonment, rejections, the being walked over and taken advantage of. The pain I've self inflicted as a means to numb my own core. Doing so required that I become very strong and very honest with myself. This is a hard step to take when you aren't sure of where it will all go. But I decided to stop lying on the borderline of my own borderline diagnosis and take the plunge. What's the worst that can happen? I get better or I go back.. "Make a choice" I told myself. I can be alone for the rest of my life and become bitter and angry or I can face my demons and live a happy, healthy and balanced life with my love. So I did it. I took a step over that tiny little line I had left. Admitting painful mistakes I have once made and admitting to myself that I put me here gave me the strength I needed to forgive me for those times and get this help.
My days are a mixed bag of emotions ranging from sheer pride for my accomplishments so far and lingering pain for the emotional turmoil I've put my family and dear partner through. I know that by continuing on this path of self discovery, of earning back my own trust and sense of self that I will finally know what it means to live balanced in body, mind, spirit. I'm not putting a time frame on my healing because that's what life is all about: A journey of self discovery, a gift to explore the unknown and take ourselves to new heights. But I know through the little bit I am seeing of my true self that I will get there with a few bumps along the way. I am blessed to have a wonderful and amazing partner who supports me, guides me and sees through all the masks to the real me. A counsellor of mine told me that with despair comes wisdom. Nothing in life comes for free, we all have to work for something, even personal freedom from the chaos we create in our own minds. Doing so demands truth, honesty, respect for yourself. I think I have re-gained a little more strength by writing this today. I will write more tomorrow.
At first I didn't accept the diagnosis of having BPD or social anxiety except that it put a face to the shame and fear of abandonment/rejection I've always felt. I hope by starting this blog that I can share some of my struggles and also share my triumps as I continue on this healing journey. I am in a day treatment program that is teaching me the invaluable lesson of being yourself. "Be Myself", that terms used to seem so distant in my mind. Still, Im not really sure where to find all of that woman except to keep looking within and looking forward. The quest to find her and BE her pushes me to never give up.
All throughout my life, especially post anorexia Ive been learning about the term "body, mind, spirit". I was never really sure to be honest what it all meant or what it all entailed until I tried to heal myself from anorexia all on my own and was faced with much inner resistance. During that time I met a mentor so to speak who taught me about the concept of "energy". Growing up I have always viewed everything around me from a purely intellectual way. When what I was thinking no longer served me in that I was not going anywhere and I was just creating more pain for myself I was faced with the tough fork in the road decision as to which direction I would take my life. Believe me, every fiber of my being resisted moving forward. Fearing becoming fat, fearing what people would think of this new ME, fearful of rejection on a new level. And above all, fearful that all the attention I had gained from being stick thin would fade and I wouldn't have enough to "fill" me. In my recovery from anorexia I was forced to look within. I didnt want to look within. What did looking within have to do with wanting to be skinny on the outside? In my last year of recovery I became obsessed with food, only on the different side. I was addicted to cooking, calories, recipes, lists of food, lists of everything that revolved around food. I became the encylopedia for foodies. I knew the calorie content in everything. This was my best freind. So I became a natural nutritionist. Suddenly, I had to change my past viewpoints. I had to adopt a more 'holistic' approach to living as a whole. I came to realize at this point that to live as 'whole' we all must do things everyday that nourish and feed ourselves "body, mind, spirit". "Great", I said. This is fantastic. Ill be healed in no time. Or so that's what I made people believe.
For years I lived by this way of thinking. Body, mind, spirit about the whole situation. This outward fantasy could only be kept up for so long. I had a new addiction now, it was awesome. I became absorbed and obsessed with being 'perfect', the constant self fixing when I didnt need to be fixed approach nearly killed me. I am very well aware of the self fixing, "never be hungry again" on this diet fad we see plastered all over magazines and in gyms. Still, I became obsessed with this newfound way of thinking. I let it guide all my decision, daily living, relationships and personal integrity. I've come to see that I can't achieve balance in one without the other. Lately, I have been trying to balance my mind and spirit because its seemed to have wandered into the darkness of despair, lies, a fake sense of self. I've seen the effects in the past of opening up my spirit so in order to heal my mind...er body however it seems much more of a challenge this time around. It was not always an easy task for me all the times Ive tried to get help. How do you ask for help or try and achieve balance when you don't know what kind of balance you are trying to achieve?! Thank goodness for a wonderful partner who gently and many times not so gently reminded me to go back to these original teachings.
Over the course of my therapy I've had many ups and downs. More downs but the last week was full of ups. I have come to see that I have spent much of my life equating 'wholeness' with just my body and by the opinions of those around me. I have used and abused my physical body, my mind and my integrity and personal respect to gain the approval of my freinds and family. I thought this would allow me to obtain happiness. But, as I see now, I wasn't happy. My lies turned me into a walking ball of destruction and the pain and hurt of the people I loved so dearly were the broken glass at the bottom of my feet. Since the last 15 yrs I have lied about everything even down to the colour of nail polish on my toes. Obviously, the only that suffered besides my dear loved ones was my mind and spirit and my own sense of self. I no longer even trusted who I was. This is a very dangerous spot to be in.
For the last year I have been to countless doctors, specialists, clinicians, counsellors, social workers and therapists looking to them to tell me the reason for my mental fogginess. My anxiety in social situations, my fears of rejection/abandonment, the aching stress in the back of my throat. I wish I had of known then what I know now. That all the stress and confusion was my own lies coming back to bite me in the butt. I searched to all of these people, crying for attention. I wanted a quick fix. Why did I have to feel this way? Why did I have to lie to cover up the fears I had since I was a child, the shame and hurt and lonliness Ive felt. Why all of a sudden did the girl I tried to heal 6yrs previous suddenly need tending to again? I went from being the shy, smiley, always happy girl to the un-motivated and withdrawn girl that keeps running. I have spent countless lonely hours in the dark caves of my mind wanting to get out but not knowing how. I locked myself away in my own prison as punishment for the lies Ive told and the pain Ive caused. Some days I've been as strong as my tears will allow. Sometimes it felt like I didn't even have enough of those. Nothing ever un-natural ever passed my lips and now here I was, the au naturel post anorexic liar popping pills to stabilize my body, mind and spirit.
Then I came to realize 7 weeks ago when I finally hit rock bottom that to heal my mind & spirit I would have to open up my innner core and talk about the real issues. The issues I have been running away from for too long now. The abandonment, rejections, the being walked over and taken advantage of. The pain I've self inflicted as a means to numb my own core. Doing so required that I become very strong and very honest with myself. This is a hard step to take when you aren't sure of where it will all go. But I decided to stop lying on the borderline of my own borderline diagnosis and take the plunge. What's the worst that can happen? I get better or I go back.. "Make a choice" I told myself. I can be alone for the rest of my life and become bitter and angry or I can face my demons and live a happy, healthy and balanced life with my love. So I did it. I took a step over that tiny little line I had left. Admitting painful mistakes I have once made and admitting to myself that I put me here gave me the strength I needed to forgive me for those times and get this help.
My days are a mixed bag of emotions ranging from sheer pride for my accomplishments so far and lingering pain for the emotional turmoil I've put my family and dear partner through. I know that by continuing on this path of self discovery, of earning back my own trust and sense of self that I will finally know what it means to live balanced in body, mind, spirit. I'm not putting a time frame on my healing because that's what life is all about: A journey of self discovery, a gift to explore the unknown and take ourselves to new heights. But I know through the little bit I am seeing of my true self that I will get there with a few bumps along the way. I am blessed to have a wonderful and amazing partner who supports me, guides me and sees through all the masks to the real me. A counsellor of mine told me that with despair comes wisdom. Nothing in life comes for free, we all have to work for something, even personal freedom from the chaos we create in our own minds. Doing so demands truth, honesty, respect for yourself. I think I have re-gained a little more strength by writing this today. I will write more tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)