Taking Steps Back..

It was then that I knew. The snow falling. The quizzical tone of surrender in your voice. Every bit of it promised disappointment. You were gone. More so for me. Because what excuse had I to keep.

It was then that I first thought you'd be better happy without me. Knew your fate was not mine to have. Not that I ever thought, but I'd flirt with the idea sometimes. Talking to you as if you were already gone. Because they always leave us before we can let go of them.

Family and friends say I am lost. They'll tell me to try and find. But I prefer not to look anymore. I've already seen all the colors the rainbow lays.

They'll tell you it should be enough. That the hurt only proves. They'll tell you all sorts of things. Because they know you'll listen.

But I can't hear anymore what they're saying.

Our time was then. And now is all I am. One wing tries, but isn't sufficient.

Truth comes in sudden bursts and there is nothing I can do. Except watch the explosion.

Artifacts.

So saturate the changes with yourself. Follow the shadow as heavy feet lurch forward. Or appear to. I was myself. Always. Until I let them become. With a broken pen I wrote letters myself. And all was well until it came time to mail them.

There is the mirror in cool disconnect. Magnifying every fraying thread on the screws you twist. There is the envelope as it follows every letter. Fitted like skin to that frail skeleton you write. There is the ink. In hues of the deepest color. Flowing like blood to the end of every single vein in your paper skin.

So much we are. But have never been.

The nothing collects each moment as tomorrow tempts waning debates within. Distilling truth from lies.

Neither quenches my thirst. But both are addictive.

Dangling Particles

It was ugly. As most things are. Blank with futility. Corrupt with hope. As sweet as the first taste. As sour as the last. Every vine betrayed.

With a glance we were closer. Together. The scent of fear my aphrodisiac.

Only subtle shadows dare distinguish us from each other as I looked on astounded at what I had become.

It's not the hunger that is hard to bear. It's only the hunger that I trust. It's the echo as the emptiness quakes under your skin. And through the sound. From the vibrations you feel the utter hollow that is there.

And all I want is to feel whole again.

Anniversary

It will be one year on Sept27 that I've started this journey towards a world I can live in authentically, honestly, without anxiety, paranoia, fear of abandonment and BPD. I would have added a healthy body image to that list but that seems to be a lifetime of work for me. So much has happened and transpired since the initial stages of my recovery. I've lost, gained and changed all in one year. I don't think I've ever been this grateful for the present moment, of all the things I've learned about myself and those around me. Originally, I had such a huge fear of being alone, I was addicted to love, to pain and chaos and suffering. I believed I was nothing without something to talk about. Looking back, I can see now why I wasn't able to move forward or have healthy relationships with freinds,my ex fiance and myself. I just noticed how I added "myself" to the last of the sentence. I've still got work to do. However, nothing has been more rewarding than where I am today and everything I've let go of. I know for a fact I would not have been able to do this without DBT, CBT and group. I wouldn't have been able to survive my strong desire to commit suicide had it not been for countless special people Ive met along the way.
I know in large respects I still have a long way to go but I think that's the beauty of self transformation. It's always a journey of discovery. My body image will always be a struggle for me. I always eat healthy and exercise but the fear of being fat or thinking I am fat takes precedence over alot of things in my life in the presesnt. I miss my ex a lot and think about him everyday. It's not been an easy road but it's been a fruitful one that Im glad I chose. I have managed not to equate my worth by men and have stood by myself in building that relationship with my inner being. It's a lonely spot to be for the most part but I am dealing. The sadness I carry for all the pain and hurt I have caused by my lies is something I carry with me deep in my soul. I am still paying for that through lessons where I am currently being hurt by those few around me who think necessary to take me for granted. I've been lied to a few times by a dear friend and I got a taste of my own medicine. I know now what it must have felt like for my ex and his family and my own for that matter. It will be 365 days on Nov 7 where I will be completly honest for one year.
I'm not sure where the rest of my journey will take me but I am blessed to have been given so many chances to start over. I only hope the next year will be as eye opening as the last. Looking at myself in the mirror and being honest with myself was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. Noone likes to see their own flaws. I had a lot of hate to let go of. When I look at me now though I am proud and honoured to be who I am. And all the people who are now in my past that said I would never change can stare on in disbelief for I was always a kind and generous person. It just took me a little longer to see that than most.
More to come...