Lost Ship at Sea..

It’s 2PM, and here I am almost 2.5 years later to the day.... Sitting alone by the ocean. At once we would have sat by the lake there in town on the same bench, by the same trees and then go home where we prepared dinner together, drank some wine, had a bath and talked about our day, like something out of a cheap romance novel. This is same memory where I began to fall in love with you. Where we began our journey together. I’m sitting here in my memory like we once did, but it's not the same as before... It's so lonely, desolate and quiet, not like it once was. The waves, they're taunting me, like they know. The ocean is so cold and oh so unwelcoming. Its not the same as the lake.

I sit here just thinking and writing, afraid to go home. Afraid to go back to sleep. Afraid to wake up. Sitting here, asking the same questions over and over. Questions that I don’t have the answers to, questions I may never have the answers to. I know I’m just tormenting and exhausting myself by running through my own head over and over, trying to figure it all out. But I can’t help it. Should I try to move on? I can’t, I don’t want to...

I know that soon, I will head home, back to my now empty bed. I’ll go and cry once more before I finally lay down, trying to sleep. And I know as I lay motionless, I’ll just dream of you to comimg through that door like you use to. And You’ll come lay down next to me. You'll tell me you how much you love me and missed me. I’ll wrap my arms around you, holding you tight and kissing you again and we'll fall asleep just like old. And I’ll finally wake up, We'll finally wake up together. Wake up from this nightmare like nothing ever happened. I’ll dream and pray, all along, knowing it won’t happen.

I keep on telling myself one more day, I wish I had one more day or one more hour or one more minute with you. Just one more minute of looking at you or one more embrace or one more kiss or just one more moment feeling your presence. I know that's not true though. One more will never be enough with you.

I don't remember being so selfishly happy as I was when I was with you. It knocks the wind out of me how in just days of being with you could suddenly make the world without you be so unfamiliar. Everything is exactly the same as it once was before you. Same bed, same route, same people, same work but somehow it's different.

“They” keep telling me to pick myself up, each day will get easier. Just go out and keep busy. I keep busy but the moments when I am alone, it all comes flooding back like the unwelcoming waves on this beach. And how can I move on? It feels like I’m cheating on you, cheating myself. It won’t help. Trying to fill that huge empty void with meaningless....it just isn’t going to do it. Nothing can fill the emptyness you've left behind except maybe time itself.

But maybe they are right, maybe each day it will get easier. Maybe the day will finally come when I'll wake up and I won't look over to see if you're there, one day I'll wake up and I won’t think it was all a bad dream, one day I won’t wake up and feel angry with you, with myself, one day the tears will stop flowing from my eyes, one day all the pain and hurt will subside. And maybe one day I will be learn how to let myself go and learn to love someone else but I also know, I'll never love anyone as much as I did love you.

I feel like destiny is just laughing in my face, like our story got cut short. Maybe it didn't, maybe fate brought us together, only to rip us apart. There were so many things I had planned, so many things I wanted to do, so many questions I had, so much I wanted to tell you, so much I wanted to experience with you. Maybe fate will bring us back together one day….or maybe in 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years or even 2 decades. .. Maybe the day will come. It'll be like we never left. We’ll go back to that same lakefront, and we’ll run around the house tickling eachother like the kids we once were.

In the meantime, I’ll just try to keep pushing myself and keep busy. Try to push myself further and further, harder and harder. Try to find out what I am made of. Try to stay strong, but also vulnerable because I have to be. I have to accept what has happened and grow. Just keep my mind free, grow and experience who I am and what this life, my life, is all about.

You know, for that hour to two hours when I run or work out, I focus on myself and lose myself. For that hour to two hours I am fully excused for not caring about anything else in the world but my own body. Just to focus on my breathing. Just putting one foot in front of the other. Focus on running, making it to the finish line . It gives me an excuse to yell, to curse, to push, and even to even cry. It gives me that excuse I need to live.
I’ll keep strong. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I need to do and what changes I need to make. I figure that this is the life I need to re-adjust to. I just need to find the energy, the appetite, and the patience. No matter how strange it feels, I need to find my courage to live this life again. I will keep on missing you, I am sure of that. I am just longing for you so bad it pierces my skin and shatters what's left of this heart. Maybe I will just remind myself to breathe in and breathe out as steadily as possible and wait for the day until it comes naturally again.

It is hard though...to just go back and leave that place. I miss all the trivial things about you…like the lines of your tattoo, the way I fell asleep with my head on your stomach, the way you snore and took up the entire bed... all your little mannerisms. Of course I miss the much bigger things as well.

And I do love you; I do love you with all my heart like I always have. I do await the day we may be together again like we never left. My love for you will last a lifetime. But for now, it's time to head back to that same bus stop and lay in my empty bed, where I can lay my head down and dream. Where I may finally sleep. Where I may begin to finally wake up.

The lake and the garage step will always wait for us my love.

So today I looked at myself in the mirror. Like really looked.. How much longer will I allow BPD and social anxiety to control my emotions, relationships and personal journey?? I don't want it to control it any longer but the actual act of letting go of my security blanket is hard. I still fall back and lean on this wall I have built to eliminate any chance of being hurt further. Funny how I cant include the idea of me not hurting me any longer. I havent lied. Not since last year and that one time with him. Im still trying to be myself and be authentic in my words. It seems the more authentic I am the more I am rejected. Perhaps that is just me rejecting me. Honestly, it is. I hate being afraid of my own potential. Since he left, I have this notion of living life alone. Unfortunatly, that made the social anxiety worse. I am pushing away anyone and everyone from getting close to me or into my small world. I just fill it with sarcasm and humour. I compare everyone to him. I am tired of talking about him.
I think I am more angry at myself for letting myself go 10 steps back. I thought I had this stupid BPD thing under control. I can still turn her on whenever I feel threatened or uncomfortable. I still am threatened by my inner bully who wants to lie when I dont have anything to say. I am so afraid of being alone. I am so more saddened by the recent destruction of my family's divorce.
I am trying to create some much needed boundaries and I am. However, my true voice is so naked and vunerable that everytime I try and state the truth of what I want to say it always comes out more direct and not as diplomatic which then fills me with guilt and self loathing.
I have been taking baths at night to listen to CBT cd and do my writings and self esteem exercises. It helps for the following 24hrs until I need it again. Atleast I am doing that instead of lying or self harm. I have been thinking of making some more definitive goals for myself. If alone is how I really want to be, (because hell no in any way am I getting involved with anyone when I cant even freaking take care of myself) then I need to start building that foundation for me. As he used to say, " a foundation built on bricks and not toothpicks"..
I mis-understand my BPD sometimes. She has so many masks for the faces. I am so predictable. It seems the only time I am 100% comfortable, confident and in control of myself and my emotions is when I am by myself and without outside influence. This is such a limiting and cold place to be when you eliminate contact with anyone who might ruin that emotional control you have designed within. It only adds to the social anxiety and magnifies the lonliness I feel. My future looked so bright at one point. I had the world with him. Even angels have their wicked schemes and he took them to new extremes. Nice line from a rihanna song. I hate the fact that I cant go back and change what I did. I feel guilty and solemn everyday he enters my mind. He will always win, because I keep letting him win. I want him to be praised for giving me so many chances and I want to keep being punished for hurting him, for hurting myself and more importantly for not being able to provide the world for him. I lost my soul mate. How do I even begin to keep moving forward. He is the sole reason beyond my own pain and self suffering...I hate this. I hate it. I kept saying I would never lie again and I couldnt even keep my own word. Thats not good. I gotta get past this. I must!

I ran a 21k marathon last weekend. I was so proud  of myself for finishing it and for crossing the line. Even though I collapsed at the finish line with hypothermia and low blood sugar.... It was worth it, I had the old high of pushing my body to the extreme, reminds me of how far I've come since anorexia. Life is such a contradiction sometimes. There is inspiration and amazement in the simplest of things. Why is everything always so complicated? I tried. I fought and fought for something I believed in more than life itself. I am proud of the fact that I am still moving forward towards mental and emotional independance however I am so held back by these chains he has on my heart. Sometimes we cant always have what we want.
My freinds will read this and be angry at me for not being able to let go and thats okay. I am doing my best and taking it day by day just like the rest of us with these issues.
I hope one day I can look at myself in the mirror and know I am where I am supposed to be. For now, I am just a guest in a city that birthed me. Its not where I belong. My soul knows this to be true. And truth is where I belong.

A different light..

This is how I feel today...

Dear You,

I have been hiding in my solitude and silence these many months past; slipping away into the oblivion within. For all my love of words, too often they have failed to give expression to the feeling raging through my heart…
I guess now is one of those times.
There’s music playing mournfully in the background here; but still this silence soaks my soul like the last wave of the turning tide reaching for and succeeding in its yearning for dry land. The silence roaring through these hollow cavities, my own private sea-caves, soothes me yet leaves me unsettled. At the end of the day, with caves overflowing, what is the use in silence? I wish now for poetic words and iridescent phrases to illuminate the dark spaces within. Only, there is nothing. Silence and stillness and a total absence of light to guide me.
I have made my decisions, these past two years, with a clear head but full heart. I have regrets at my choices and no regrets for loving, just this ineffable sadness lurking throughout my rooms of memory. To turn back time and savour those moments with you more deeply is an impossibility. Not because I do not have the means to time travel, for I do. Memory is a blessing I bear – one I often curse because it remembers all too clearly what I have lost. I can walk the corridors of the past with ease, each second with you is fresh and vivid; alive with sight and sound and scent. The impossibility lies in the fact that it is physically, emotionally and mentally beyond me to cherish those moments any more than I did at the time of their creation. They were experienced with more intensity than this frail heart and body should ever have been asked to bear as it was.
The pain lies now in the lack of sensation; the total numbness of my hands and mouth and body when I recall how you held me and kissed me and made love with me. I can’t feel that. Without your touch these memories are just home videos thrown up on the vein-cracked wall of my mind. How is it that a person can still taste another’s mouth and yet be unable to bring to mind the feeling of those lips pressed to hers? How is it that I can still recall with exactness the scent of your skin, with or without cologne, and yet not feel the pressure of that burning body hard up against my own? I truly believe that, were I an artist, I could sculpt your entire form out of clay; every contour of muscle, the hard and the soft of you, to perfection. My hands recall your body with an etched brilliance that Michelangelo would have sold his soul to achieve. Every night my hands run over your body; remembering, reminiscing, yet aching with emptiness.
My hands are empty now and I am no artist to recreate what God intended as a one-off only.
I can see you in my mind, blushing over these feeble words and it makes me smile in a sad sort of way. You will be sitting there reading these sentences and feeling a little fear that I may well be obsessed; but also flattered and smug. Does this assuage your need for hero-worship? Only, if you recall correctly, how tough it was to fight with you that last night and you told me it would never be the same. Was it enough? I knew we were reaching an ending of sorts and I wanted my feelings for you clearly understood. Again, words failed. My silence at that time (and the necessity of silence plainly obvious) was the only expression of emotion left available to me.
Pen now and ink. These are all that are left to me. Again. As usual. Were you here now… what? I no longer know. My head is no longer clear and my heart has overflowed. It is dripping flames of agony and desire and longing throughout and over my body.
I hurt…
what more can I say?
        Silence and stillness.
        Won’t you come play with me?
        Swim in the clear, dark waters we caused to be?
        Illuminate this black space,
        filled with all the fallen stars I’ve wished upon?

Were you here now…? I’m not sure. Candles? Darkness? Which would better suit? Should I hide still in this solitude? Should I keep myself from reaching beyond my body’s confines to touch yours? Should I be ashamed of these feelings and the actions they require of me to be fulfilled? Possibly I have no shame left. Not after those moments with you. Why should I feel shame for loving someone? I tried to – a couple of times – because society says I am wrong to do what I have done. My mind, my heart, my soul – they disagree. My life, lived the way it has been, would have had me do no less. Only more, were that an option.
It is not. Silence and stillness. For all that lack of light I could still see you clearly. Could you see my face that night? I hope so. I was smiling and laughing softly at your beauty. Silence without stillness. I miss you.

Are you fearing obsession again? Don’t. I’m not. I’ve been obsessed before and this isn’t it. I know it well. I lived with it for eight years. It is a dark and heavy feeling, deep with brooding and self-taught lies. My mind is free of that and clear enough to know the truth. Back then I couldn’t tell the difference between reality and my own brainwashing. I can now. Maybe it’s because I can differentiate between the two that I am so sad. Reality is a harsh and cold place to live at times
I guess now is one of those times.
Why can’t I feel you in my memory? I know the body was designed to forget the sensation of physical pain; was it fair of God to deny us the remembrance of physical pleasure also? Maybe it is a blessing that I do not have that to mourn over; to highlight even more forcibly what I no longer have. I don’t know. All I know is that I miss having you here to light up this darkness, roar through this silence and bring joy into this solitude.
Thank you for the memories… but won’t you please come out to play?
It’s okay.
I know you won’t..

Goodbye..

So last night I went out to my favorite spot by the ocean, right up on the rocks with my best friend. I didn't want to be alone and the thought of having to do this ceremony seemed a daunting task to do alone, I would have easily talked myself out of it. The ceremony of saying Goodbye.. My life has taken quite a turn the last few months. He always told me to walk a straight line and stay out of the bushes. However, walking that straight keeps me focused on him and not all the other good things in life it has to offer. I wish I could relay to depths of the hurt and pain and mourning of loss I feel since he has gone. My life had taken itself to a new low. The lessons I have learned in group of being myself and learning how to lean and me and me alone has been a challenge. My friend tells me I have to be with myself at the end of the day and be comforted by my own company. I never thought the day would come where I would be here in this spot alone without him.
Last night was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To say goodbye to someone who impacted your life that deeply in both positive and negative ways is extremely difficult. However, I know for my own health and sanity it is needed. Goodbye doesn't always mean you forget. I can't forget, but I am emotionally and mentally ill by keeping him close to the open wound in my heart. I wish he knew how much burden he left with me. Since returning here 3mos ago, I have built a new wall. I forced myself to swallow back every emotion and every tear I wanted to cry over him. It's not only the tears of pain but of tears of the level of love I will never share again. Last night was the first time I cried til I couldn't cry anymore. The waves crashing into the rocks was almost in sync with the trauma, loss, and pain I feel. A love greater than myself, just like water.
I hope he knows how hard this has been for me. Even if he doesn't that's ok too. I don't want to be the person he thinks I am. I am 100x more than that because I am still following my word. I cried not only for myself but also for the pain and hurt I've caused him. I hope he forgives me for that. And although, his last words to me, after all the love we have shared, was, "I hate you, you are the scum of the earth and always will be nothin" stings more than you can imagine, I know he didn't mean it.
So, I as let go more and more, let the waves of suffering and loss wash over me, I said Goodbye.

------------------------------------
Dear ____________,

Though we have been apart these last few months. I believed that our love would continue to bring us back together. The hope was a comfort and gave me patience to wait for the future. As time has passed, it is pretty clear that you have drifted further and further away from me. I guess it is finally time to acknowledge, to you and myself, that our future will take different paths.

My hope that destiny would somehow bring us back together meant I never really have to say goodbye. As much as that deeply saddens me, I think it is time for me to say goodbye because my mental and emotional health is suffering and has no independance.

Your entry into my life, breathed life into me. It gave me an excitement for each new day and an anticipation to each time I could see you. In all of life, I have never felt so at peace as when I was in your arms. I was encapsulated by your smile, lost in your eyes, and overcome by your personhood. You certainly have had an effect on me. The effect lately though has haunted me with sadness, despair and a longing for your return. I know you will know what I mean when I say I am waiting for the day that will never come as I fade to black.

There will always be a place in me heart of you that will be fondly, fondly remembered. But, it is now time for  me to seek my own future, totally dependant on me and me alone and where I can start to love myself.

As painful as it is to let go, I want you to know that you are always loved by me. I forgive you. I forgive myself. I wish you and your children the brightest future. Most importantly, I hope you are happy.

Goodbye.

A Love for Hate...

You woke me at midnight with thoughts of demise
A fear cradled limp in the palms of my hands
A love so immense it was hard to surmise
Your patrons oppose as your life hits the fan
They questioned my rage but earned no reply
My passion appears so tragicly wild
You drew my senses so incredibly high
Innocence was lost with my inner child
Such strange feelings blinded my verity
A lethal love could slip away with a breath
Others may think you grip my sanity
For a slight error may be my death
A love for hate may be something rhapsodized
But my helpless soul took yours and ran


I'm not sure if relationships can cause mental instability but it sure did with him. To give up everything for one person in the hopes or dreams of happiness and then have to deal with the low of them not being there is hard. The incredible beautiful dependancy we had of eachother's love was something not earthly. Maybe that's why God gave us as much time together as he did. Granted, I did struggle with honesty, authenticity and social anxiety my whole life but this relationship seemed to make all those things worse. Perhaps because my sense of vunerability allowed for me to be open again to being hurt. And even when I healed and recovered, that strength I had gained in group seemed to vanish in a second the night he left. Its been 3mos almost, and I still have a hard time using all the tools Ive gained since group. I realize I am fighting inside because moving on in my heart and mind who mean I know longer carry him with me. Emotionally and mentally I am not ready for that. My friend tells me that the "un-named" isnt having a hard time letting and probably is living life happily. I am the only one suffering by holding on to him. As now the "being with him" is more a memory than a once reality. My moods have been irratic to say the least. Waxing and waning more than moon's cycles. So many lows lately its been hard to get up the motivation to do much. I have been using my dbt workbook, using deep breathing and imagery to calm myself and remind myself I am worth more than I have been giving my soul lately. I haven't been taking my pills, I know this is wrong but I have been slipping off everything for weeks now. What happened to my boundaries?? MY sense of pride?? I need to get back into writing and leisure activities.

I had an appointment last week back at the day treatment program, I am going to back to a support group in the evenings. I hope this helps me get back on track and be around like-minded people who understand what its like to feel like you are suffering all the time. Granted, self inflicted suffering but nonetheless, Im not giving up and I never will. This time I will do it for me and not for anyone else.

I still refuse to let mental illness define who I am...so here we go..AGAIN...

And I have Mental Illness because.....

My love for you was beyond explanation.
I cared, unlike anyone else, i cared to the point that i would give up everything for you.
I wanted to be with you, and from what you told me you wanted to be with me.
The time that we spent together was incredible for me, you gave me a high that nothing else could.

Your beautiful eyes, your beautiful face, waking up to it would make my day better. If it was the last thing that in my living state i would see in this world, i would rest in peace.
You brought me up to a new high, but you took me down to a new low, you made me feel like an idiot, you made me feel like a piece or garbage that you would find in the street.
The choices that you made made, the things that you did to my soul tore my heart apart. I was confused, i was angry, i was sad, i cried, i wept. When it all ended, i was sad, i cried, i wept, i wondered, what was left in life.

i looked up to the stars and asked for answers. Out of the darkness i got glimmers of light, glimmers of hope.

Over the next months, you were in my mind, but slowly, and surely, i thought less and less of you. Like a phoenix, i arose from the ashes and entered the world stronger, and wiser. I finally got rid of the veil over my eyes, i now enter the world trying to be the happiest woman, as someone who will not let bad things bring her down, someone who will take the negative and turn it into a positive, someone who will learn, someone who will laugh, someone who will cry, someone who will always have love to offer and never ask for anything in return.

I do this to get rid of my final thoughts about you, i do this because it ends a chapter of my life. I hope that in the future we could become friends again, not now, not later, but in the far future. I want to forget about you completely so if god decides for us to meet again, when i see you i can do it with a smile on my face. Live long and pursue your dreams, dont give up.