A Love for Hate...

You woke me at midnight with thoughts of demise
A fear cradled limp in the palms of my hands
A love so immense it was hard to surmise
Your patrons oppose as your life hits the fan
They questioned my rage but earned no reply
My passion appears so tragicly wild
You drew my senses so incredibly high
Innocence was lost with my inner child
Such strange feelings blinded my verity
A lethal love could slip away with a breath
Others may think you grip my sanity
For a slight error may be my death
A love for hate may be something rhapsodized
But my helpless soul took yours and ran


I'm not sure if relationships can cause mental instability but it sure did with him. To give up everything for one person in the hopes or dreams of happiness and then have to deal with the low of them not being there is hard. The incredible beautiful dependancy we had of eachother's love was something not earthly. Maybe that's why God gave us as much time together as he did. Granted, I did struggle with honesty, authenticity and social anxiety my whole life but this relationship seemed to make all those things worse. Perhaps because my sense of vunerability allowed for me to be open again to being hurt. And even when I healed and recovered, that strength I had gained in group seemed to vanish in a second the night he left. Its been 3mos almost, and I still have a hard time using all the tools Ive gained since group. I realize I am fighting inside because moving on in my heart and mind who mean I know longer carry him with me. Emotionally and mentally I am not ready for that. My friend tells me that the "un-named" isnt having a hard time letting and probably is living life happily. I am the only one suffering by holding on to him. As now the "being with him" is more a memory than a once reality. My moods have been irratic to say the least. Waxing and waning more than moon's cycles. So many lows lately its been hard to get up the motivation to do much. I have been using my dbt workbook, using deep breathing and imagery to calm myself and remind myself I am worth more than I have been giving my soul lately. I haven't been taking my pills, I know this is wrong but I have been slipping off everything for weeks now. What happened to my boundaries?? MY sense of pride?? I need to get back into writing and leisure activities.

I had an appointment last week back at the day treatment program, I am going to back to a support group in the evenings. I hope this helps me get back on track and be around like-minded people who understand what its like to feel like you are suffering all the time. Granted, self inflicted suffering but nonetheless, Im not giving up and I never will. This time I will do it for me and not for anyone else.

I still refuse to let mental illness define who I am...so here we go..AGAIN...