Goodbye..

So last night I went out to my favorite spot by the ocean, right up on the rocks with my best friend. I didn't want to be alone and the thought of having to do this ceremony seemed a daunting task to do alone, I would have easily talked myself out of it. The ceremony of saying Goodbye.. My life has taken quite a turn the last few months. He always told me to walk a straight line and stay out of the bushes. However, walking that straight keeps me focused on him and not all the other good things in life it has to offer. I wish I could relay to depths of the hurt and pain and mourning of loss I feel since he has gone. My life had taken itself to a new low. The lessons I have learned in group of being myself and learning how to lean and me and me alone has been a challenge. My friend tells me I have to be with myself at the end of the day and be comforted by my own company. I never thought the day would come where I would be here in this spot alone without him.
Last night was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To say goodbye to someone who impacted your life that deeply in both positive and negative ways is extremely difficult. However, I know for my own health and sanity it is needed. Goodbye doesn't always mean you forget. I can't forget, but I am emotionally and mentally ill by keeping him close to the open wound in my heart. I wish he knew how much burden he left with me. Since returning here 3mos ago, I have built a new wall. I forced myself to swallow back every emotion and every tear I wanted to cry over him. It's not only the tears of pain but of tears of the level of love I will never share again. Last night was the first time I cried til I couldn't cry anymore. The waves crashing into the rocks was almost in sync with the trauma, loss, and pain I feel. A love greater than myself, just like water.
I hope he knows how hard this has been for me. Even if he doesn't that's ok too. I don't want to be the person he thinks I am. I am 100x more than that because I am still following my word. I cried not only for myself but also for the pain and hurt I've caused him. I hope he forgives me for that. And although, his last words to me, after all the love we have shared, was, "I hate you, you are the scum of the earth and always will be nothin" stings more than you can imagine, I know he didn't mean it.
So, I as let go more and more, let the waves of suffering and loss wash over me, I said Goodbye.

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Dear ____________,

Though we have been apart these last few months. I believed that our love would continue to bring us back together. The hope was a comfort and gave me patience to wait for the future. As time has passed, it is pretty clear that you have drifted further and further away from me. I guess it is finally time to acknowledge, to you and myself, that our future will take different paths.

My hope that destiny would somehow bring us back together meant I never really have to say goodbye. As much as that deeply saddens me, I think it is time for me to say goodbye because my mental and emotional health is suffering and has no independance.

Your entry into my life, breathed life into me. It gave me an excitement for each new day and an anticipation to each time I could see you. In all of life, I have never felt so at peace as when I was in your arms. I was encapsulated by your smile, lost in your eyes, and overcome by your personhood. You certainly have had an effect on me. The effect lately though has haunted me with sadness, despair and a longing for your return. I know you will know what I mean when I say I am waiting for the day that will never come as I fade to black.

There will always be a place in me heart of you that will be fondly, fondly remembered. But, it is now time for  me to seek my own future, totally dependant on me and me alone and where I can start to love myself.

As painful as it is to let go, I want you to know that you are always loved by me. I forgive you. I forgive myself. I wish you and your children the brightest future. Most importantly, I hope you are happy.

Goodbye.