Glass half empty

There has been so much confusion and pain lately I really don't know wether I am coming or going. Since last monday this has been the hardest and most painful week I have gone through in awhile. Forcing myself to turn off my love isn't easy. It seems to come easy for him. Lack of affection, lack of interest, lack of anything of the above has broken my wings and destroyed my heart. What's the point in sharing your vulnerability if it always gets shaken and mis-used. He says that "life will just move on".. I'm not sure how to react to this but to feel more confusion and hurt. I don't get it. I really don't. I just can't move on and pretend nothing has happened; that my heart doesn't feel loneliness and ache for the loss of him no longer being here. The silence between us is enough to make me go back into a state of depression, self-doubt and hurt. Even if things weren't that way and we were talking what would I say anyways?? It feels like my opinion doesn't matter. As much as I am trying to whip out my trusty DBT tool box and try and find the positive in this situation, right now I don't see much of that. It is already hard enough to practice acceptance and gratitude when I am losing the love of my life. He is in the garage right now having his coffee and a cigarette. There have been so many times I've sat on the step and enjoyed that with him. ........I can't bear the sound of the ticking clock as our silence continues as it reminds me of how precious time is and how much time of it I don't have left here in this life with him. Having the love of your life break up with you and say we can still be 'friends' is like your mom telling you your dog died but you can still keep it.
I know that this was all my fault. I didn't want this to happen. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I didn't. He asked me who was the meanest in this relationship the last 2 years. Obviously the appropriate response to his ears would be to say I was. Of course, I was but there were so many good times and without saying it was because I have a mental illness, I was never trying to be mean. Emotions can get out of control. I am not a mean person naturally and I wish that he would just forgive me. So much guilt. It is easy to ask myself over and over again lately what it is that I did that wasn't good enough. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, don't think military enough or am not lovable enough. I will never know the why. It's torture is what it is. I am prepared to spend forever alone. He says that love is not enough. It certainly was enough before. But I bite my tongue and hold back my tears and pray that this nightmare will end soon and the pain and hurt that I feel will somehow vanish into the night and all this will be just a bad dream and I can lay softly in the hollowed out space of his arm pit at night as he kisses my forehead while I fall asleep....

"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our mind how we want our heart to feel. Sometimes we just have to go with, Whatever happens, happens". -Unknown-

Heartache and Tears

Even though you say you aren't changing your mind and your not coming back...after all this time.. we are just "freinds"... as much as that f****ing hurts...just so you know... no one comes close... I am prepared to spend forever alone...

Turning the Mind..

It's been four days since I've told that lie. I am back on track with honesty and truth. As good as that feels, it doesn't seem to be having the same effect as before with my interpersonal relationship. This sounds so wrong. I came to the realization that accepting something is not the same as judging it good. I have decided to tolerate the moment however uncomfortable I have made it. I know I can get us through this. My commitment to accept that this is the way it is right now is not the same as acceptance but has turned me towards the path I am trying desperately to get on. I feel I have made the first step so many times. I am frustrating myself. I am having all these emotions I haven't felt since completion of my last treatment program. I know in my heart that these emotions are solely the after effects of my lie. Everything else is good in my life. I have dealt with the guilt and shame I felt for past actions and burned those as I continued to heal. Having to feel them again really isn't good for my confidence. I am so disappointed in myself. I am even more shameful and guilty knowing that my partner is disappointed in me too.

Reminding myself in these moments of depression and panic requires me to turn my mind over and over and over again. When I am in it, it's not always so easy to remember to take a step back. Being as important and special that he is to me, I panic a lot when there is conflict because I love him so much. Conflict is the last thing I want. I know that turning my mind is me choosing the "accepting road" and not the "rejecting reality" road. I am just so mad at myself for not being respectful on monday night. My mind is full of "should have's" and "I wish" phrases. This wasn't supposed to happen. Me saying that is not really accepting reality. Even though I know I need to. I can't go back and change it. I feel like an idiot. The after effects of shame are worse than feeling the actual emotion I think. I am trying to turn my mind into not believing I am defective but the intense sadness, fear and anger I am experiencing for the first time in 4mos are very strong. I have made new resolutions to change and am trying to fix the harm and damage by changing the present moment. This is not an easy thing to do when I feel like I'm being ignored. Since starting the new program on distress tolerance I am building more positive experiences for myself and my partner. I remember how good I felt when I ended the last program and I need to continue with that positivity because it also had a lasting effect on my partner's attitude as well. I hope it continues to work because I love him very much and want a life with him built around respect and honesty. I wrote a list of what I wanted for us in our relationship. This is the first time I have done something like that but it helped to clearly define what I value in our relationship and the positives I have to offer being my authentic self.

Which brings me to the point of: I know I am not BPD anymore nor have any of its symptoms. My emotions and actions are solely my own choice. I know that my social anxiety can be rectified by more willingness on my part to get active and be more out going, start more conversations and most importantly believe in myself and remain confident in who I am. Learning to be myself is not difficult but it is uncomfortable some days as I continue to struggle to learn or remind myself of who I am. My mom says I do know who I am and that's a boost to my confidence. She has been helping to remind me of the positive qualities I bestow and what I used to be really good at. This new program is good but it doesn't have the same support I was hoping for. Having said that, I know that I am feeling alone in this process so I must rely on my own strength and keep being myself.

I had a point to this entry today but I think I've gotten off track. I will continue to turn my mind and remain truthful to myself and to my partner and I know that we will get through this. My homework for Monday's group is to write a forgiveness letter to myself. I wanted to change it around and have it addressed to me from my partner outlining why he feels so hurt but then I also realized the importance of forgiving myself first and I can do the other letter as a thing for my own healing on my own time. Both would be effective.

I will write more again tomorrow. Getting back into writing has helped me clear my head and see the positives in this current situation. All will get back on track soon. I won't ever give up on myself like that again. I love him so much. There is much to look forward to when I keep a positive attitude for us.

Cheers

Acceptance is the only way out of Hell...

It's been a really long time since I've written anything. AGAIN. I've kind of been trying to get through life normally without being stuck in my head. The last two months have been relatively calm so to speak. I got through christmas with only a few hiccups. Mostly my own expectations of trying to please everyone during the holidays. The stress of that got to me a few times but I worked through it.

The new year is upon me and I have been feeling quite insecure. My high set goals of not wanting this year to be the same as the last has gotten the best of me. I've let myself get stuck in my head again for the first time since digging myself out the black hole I was in last fall. Despite all my hard work and dedication to healing I slipped back a bit and told a lie monday night to my partner. As stupid as it was, I told him the puppy pooped outside when really she did inside. I know that sounds completely immature but I was afraid due to my insecurities that he would be upset if she didn't go outside. I had a panic attack when he questioned me on it and allowed my emotions to control me instead of me controlling them. I pushed him verbally until he was so mad that he said our relationship was over. This attack I had showed me that honestly I still have a lot to move on from. I still have emotions I need to work through.

My lack of good memory lately and growing comfort level with my partner somehow drove me to disregard things others may seem important to them. I've been learning that I'm supposed to put myself first. Doing so was more of a burden that not. It seems the more I put myself first in the healing process the more selfish I am told I am. I have never had bad or negative (hurtful) intentions towards anyone especially my partner. I feel terrible for mondays episode. It could have been avoided. The worst part is I don't have any good explanation for doing it. Carelessness perhaps but that doesn't make it any better. I realize in that moment that I wasn't acting like the adult self and only as the child.. with tantrums, emotions running wild and saying anything to get my way. It's easy to say I'm feeling better, even though I was, when there is no conflict, but when it does happen is the true test of where my success will lie. I really need to continue to work on managing powerful emotions when they arise. I will continue to be the only one suffering if I don't. I really don't want my life to continue like that and I feel I have made great success but I can't forget that my fears and insecurities are still very present even if they sometimes lay dormant when I'm feeling well.

I don't expect anyone to pay for my mistakes. As much as I hate admitting this, they are. I don't want my partner to hurt. Want it or not he is. And even when he says he  is willing to forgive and forget. It really doesn't mean that he's forgotten. IT REALLY DOESN'T! Reality is I need to work harder at combatting this. I can't live like this in my mind any longer. There is no need for me to be dishonest. There really isn't. I am disappointed in myself because I was doing phenomenal. Despite that one lie on monday I haven't told a single lie in 129 days. I'd like to say keep going on that and I will but now I have to start from 0 again. And that really sucks. I deny myself the right to be happy, independent and mature every-time I do. I know I can't take everything so personally. People are entitled to their opinions and to feel what they want to feel. I can't stop it or control it to shield my heart. Truth is, I'm not the only one with exquisitely sensitive emotions. When my partner says all I do is apologize and say "it won't happen again" and that he doesn't believe that anymore, sure it hurts me really bad. But its the truth and all I can do is accept that he is going to feel that way. I don't want to be sorry all the time but atleast saying sorry is a way for me to admit that I did wrong and that I am accepting and respecting his emotions.
Not being able to work and go to therapy is pissing me off. I want to work. I want to contribute to this partnership and give back. Furthermore, just as importantly, I want to be independent and DEPENDENT on myself and be a contributer to society and to my partner in a human way and not an invalid like I feel some days. I know that not working has a lot to do with being stuck in my mind. It allows more time for focusing on my body image or things I want to to better instead of turning the mind to positive things. And although it's never an easy thing or healthy for that matter to constantly remind myself of what I've done wrong or how many lies I've told, I must so I don't go getting to comfortable or self assured. Is this wrong??

Proud as I am to say I am not stuck in my past anymore, being stuck focusing on the future isn't good either. It doesn't help acceptance and being in the moment. Acceptance of this current situation is needed and is the only way out of the hell I continue to create in my mind. Pain creates suffering only when we refuse to accept the pain. Committing to acceptance is not an easy thing. It hurts. I need to build mastery and more self respect and more respect for my partner. And I need to interact with him in a way that makes me feel competent and effective, not helpless and overly dependent. That is the last thing I want. I need to continue to create structure for myself and take on my responsibilities. And, in keeping with my adult self I absolutely must keep acting in a way that my partner keeps loving and respecting me and balance my immediate goals with that of our long term relationship. Because I love him and I love myself and I want us to be happy and healthy.

I am hoping that this new treatment program I am will help tie up the loose ends in my spirit, help me continue to manage my emotions in a healthy way and help bring our bond closer together. This is all I've wanted since the beginning. Accepting that is not what I chose in past actions, I can still change this path for us today so we can be happy together always.

Cheers