Turning the Mind..

It's been four days since I've told that lie. I am back on track with honesty and truth. As good as that feels, it doesn't seem to be having the same effect as before with my interpersonal relationship. This sounds so wrong. I came to the realization that accepting something is not the same as judging it good. I have decided to tolerate the moment however uncomfortable I have made it. I know I can get us through this. My commitment to accept that this is the way it is right now is not the same as acceptance but has turned me towards the path I am trying desperately to get on. I feel I have made the first step so many times. I am frustrating myself. I am having all these emotions I haven't felt since completion of my last treatment program. I know in my heart that these emotions are solely the after effects of my lie. Everything else is good in my life. I have dealt with the guilt and shame I felt for past actions and burned those as I continued to heal. Having to feel them again really isn't good for my confidence. I am so disappointed in myself. I am even more shameful and guilty knowing that my partner is disappointed in me too.

Reminding myself in these moments of depression and panic requires me to turn my mind over and over and over again. When I am in it, it's not always so easy to remember to take a step back. Being as important and special that he is to me, I panic a lot when there is conflict because I love him so much. Conflict is the last thing I want. I know that turning my mind is me choosing the "accepting road" and not the "rejecting reality" road. I am just so mad at myself for not being respectful on monday night. My mind is full of "should have's" and "I wish" phrases. This wasn't supposed to happen. Me saying that is not really accepting reality. Even though I know I need to. I can't go back and change it. I feel like an idiot. The after effects of shame are worse than feeling the actual emotion I think. I am trying to turn my mind into not believing I am defective but the intense sadness, fear and anger I am experiencing for the first time in 4mos are very strong. I have made new resolutions to change and am trying to fix the harm and damage by changing the present moment. This is not an easy thing to do when I feel like I'm being ignored. Since starting the new program on distress tolerance I am building more positive experiences for myself and my partner. I remember how good I felt when I ended the last program and I need to continue with that positivity because it also had a lasting effect on my partner's attitude as well. I hope it continues to work because I love him very much and want a life with him built around respect and honesty. I wrote a list of what I wanted for us in our relationship. This is the first time I have done something like that but it helped to clearly define what I value in our relationship and the positives I have to offer being my authentic self.

Which brings me to the point of: I know I am not BPD anymore nor have any of its symptoms. My emotions and actions are solely my own choice. I know that my social anxiety can be rectified by more willingness on my part to get active and be more out going, start more conversations and most importantly believe in myself and remain confident in who I am. Learning to be myself is not difficult but it is uncomfortable some days as I continue to struggle to learn or remind myself of who I am. My mom says I do know who I am and that's a boost to my confidence. She has been helping to remind me of the positive qualities I bestow and what I used to be really good at. This new program is good but it doesn't have the same support I was hoping for. Having said that, I know that I am feeling alone in this process so I must rely on my own strength and keep being myself.

I had a point to this entry today but I think I've gotten off track. I will continue to turn my mind and remain truthful to myself and to my partner and I know that we will get through this. My homework for Monday's group is to write a forgiveness letter to myself. I wanted to change it around and have it addressed to me from my partner outlining why he feels so hurt but then I also realized the importance of forgiving myself first and I can do the other letter as a thing for my own healing on my own time. Both would be effective.

I will write more again tomorrow. Getting back into writing has helped me clear my head and see the positives in this current situation. All will get back on track soon. I won't ever give up on myself like that again. I love him so much. There is much to look forward to when I keep a positive attitude for us.

Cheers