It's been a really long time since I've written anything. AGAIN. I've kind of been trying to get through life normally without being stuck in my head. The last two months have been relatively calm so to speak. I got through christmas with only a few hiccups. Mostly my own expectations of trying to please everyone during the holidays. The stress of that got to me a few times but I worked through it.
The new year is upon me and I have been feeling quite insecure. My high set goals of not wanting this year to be the same as the last has gotten the best of me. I've let myself get stuck in my head again for the first time since digging myself out the black hole I was in last fall. Despite all my hard work and dedication to healing I slipped back a bit and told a lie monday night to my partner. As stupid as it was, I told him the puppy pooped outside when really she did inside. I know that sounds completely immature but I was afraid due to my insecurities that he would be upset if she didn't go outside. I had a panic attack when he questioned me on it and allowed my emotions to control me instead of me controlling them. I pushed him verbally until he was so mad that he said our relationship was over. This attack I had showed me that honestly I still have a lot to move on from. I still have emotions I need to work through.
My lack of good memory lately and growing comfort level with my partner somehow drove me to disregard things others may seem important to them. I've been learning that I'm supposed to put myself first. Doing so was more of a burden that not. It seems the more I put myself first in the healing process the more selfish I am told I am. I have never had bad or negative (hurtful) intentions towards anyone especially my partner. I feel terrible for mondays episode. It could have been avoided. The worst part is I don't have any good explanation for doing it. Carelessness perhaps but that doesn't make it any better. I realize in that moment that I wasn't acting like the adult self and only as the child.. with tantrums, emotions running wild and saying anything to get my way. It's easy to say I'm feeling better, even though I was, when there is no conflict, but when it does happen is the true test of where my success will lie. I really need to continue to work on managing powerful emotions when they arise. I will continue to be the only one suffering if I don't. I really don't want my life to continue like that and I feel I have made great success but I can't forget that my fears and insecurities are still very present even if they sometimes lay dormant when I'm feeling well.
I don't expect anyone to pay for my mistakes. As much as I hate admitting this, they are. I don't want my partner to hurt. Want it or not he is. And even when he says he is willing to forgive and forget. It really doesn't mean that he's forgotten. IT REALLY DOESN'T! Reality is I need to work harder at combatting this. I can't live like this in my mind any longer. There is no need for me to be dishonest. There really isn't. I am disappointed in myself because I was doing phenomenal. Despite that one lie on monday I haven't told a single lie in 129 days. I'd like to say keep going on that and I will but now I have to start from 0 again. And that really sucks. I deny myself the right to be happy, independent and mature every-time I do. I know I can't take everything so personally. People are entitled to their opinions and to feel what they want to feel. I can't stop it or control it to shield my heart. Truth is, I'm not the only one with exquisitely sensitive emotions. When my partner says all I do is apologize and say "it won't happen again" and that he doesn't believe that anymore, sure it hurts me really bad. But its the truth and all I can do is accept that he is going to feel that way. I don't want to be sorry all the time but atleast saying sorry is a way for me to admit that I did wrong and that I am accepting and respecting his emotions.
Not being able to work and go to therapy is pissing me off. I want to work. I want to contribute to this partnership and give back. Furthermore, just as importantly, I want to be independent and DEPENDENT on myself and be a contributer to society and to my partner in a human way and not an invalid like I feel some days. I know that not working has a lot to do with being stuck in my mind. It allows more time for focusing on my body image or things I want to to better instead of turning the mind to positive things. And although it's never an easy thing or healthy for that matter to constantly remind myself of what I've done wrong or how many lies I've told, I must so I don't go getting to comfortable or self assured. Is this wrong??
Proud as I am to say I am not stuck in my past anymore, being stuck focusing on the future isn't good either. It doesn't help acceptance and being in the moment. Acceptance of this current situation is needed and is the only way out of the hell I continue to create in my mind. Pain creates suffering only when we refuse to accept the pain. Committing to acceptance is not an easy thing. It hurts. I need to build mastery and more self respect and more respect for my partner. And I need to interact with him in a way that makes me feel competent and effective, not helpless and overly dependent. That is the last thing I want. I need to continue to create structure for myself and take on my responsibilities. And, in keeping with my adult self I absolutely must keep acting in a way that my partner keeps loving and respecting me and balance my immediate goals with that of our long term relationship. Because I love him and I love myself and I want us to be happy and healthy.
I am hoping that this new treatment program I am will help tie up the loose ends in my spirit, help me continue to manage my emotions in a healthy way and help bring our bond closer together. This is all I've wanted since the beginning. Accepting that is not what I chose in past actions, I can still change this path for us today so we can be happy together always.
Cheers
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