There has been so much confusion and pain lately I really don't know wether I am coming or going. Since last monday this has been the hardest and most painful week I have gone through in awhile. Forcing myself to turn off my love isn't easy. It seems to come easy for him. Lack of affection, lack of interest, lack of anything of the above has broken my wings and destroyed my heart. What's the point in sharing your vulnerability if it always gets shaken and mis-used. He says that "life will just move on".. I'm not sure how to react to this but to feel more confusion and hurt. I don't get it. I really don't. I just can't move on and pretend nothing has happened; that my heart doesn't feel loneliness and ache for the loss of him no longer being here. The silence between us is enough to make me go back into a state of depression, self-doubt and hurt. Even if things weren't that way and we were talking what would I say anyways?? It feels like my opinion doesn't matter. As much as I am trying to whip out my trusty DBT tool box and try and find the positive in this situation, right now I don't see much of that. It is already hard enough to practice acceptance and gratitude when I am losing the love of my life. He is in the garage right now having his coffee and a cigarette. There have been so many times I've sat on the step and enjoyed that with him. ........I can't bear the sound of the ticking clock as our silence continues as it reminds me of how precious time is and how much time of it I don't have left here in this life with him. Having the love of your life break up with you and say we can still be 'friends' is like your mom telling you your dog died but you can still keep it.
I know that this was all my fault. I didn't want this to happen. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I didn't. He asked me who was the meanest in this relationship the last 2 years. Obviously the appropriate response to his ears would be to say I was. Of course, I was but there were so many good times and without saying it was because I have a mental illness, I was never trying to be mean. Emotions can get out of control. I am not a mean person naturally and I wish that he would just forgive me. So much guilt. It is easy to ask myself over and over again lately what it is that I did that wasn't good enough. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, don't think military enough or am not lovable enough. I will never know the why. It's torture is what it is. I am prepared to spend forever alone. He says that love is not enough. It certainly was enough before. But I bite my tongue and hold back my tears and pray that this nightmare will end soon and the pain and hurt that I feel will somehow vanish into the night and all this will be just a bad dream and I can lay softly in the hollowed out space of his arm pit at night as he kisses my forehead while I fall asleep....
"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our mind how we want our heart to feel. Sometimes we just have to go with, Whatever happens, happens". -Unknown-
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