A new Outlook

It's been quite some time since I've posted anything new on here. A lot has been going on I guess. Since I've last posted, I've completed the 6 week day treatment program with good success. I've accomplished more than I ever thought was possible.

Since my diagnosis back in July 2010 of being told I have Borderline personality disorder, I have worked very hard at calming down my moods and behaviors. It is now November and my diagnosis has changed. This change solely came from within my own self and my desire to live a better life. I do not think that having BPD was a life sentence. My social anxiety has become more of a problem than the BPD itself. I believe and have come to learn that those BPD symptoms I had were a result of my extreme and out of control lying. My constant fears of abandonment, rejection, and being alone stemmed from not wanting to ever get caught with all the lies I did tell. Learning to stop lying has brought up new challenges and new anxieties. Would I ever be honest enough with myself to tell the truth and face all my inner demons?? Would I like to real me?? Truth to be told, it's been 15 yrs since I've actually been my real self.. It's no wonder I had fears! And what about the people in my life that meant the most to me. Would they stay? Or would they never feel they could forgive me? Not knowing the outcome of this therapy is what brought me the most anxiety. I didn't know if I was strong enough to tell the truth to myself or to a group of strangers I'd never met before. I am glad that I proved my own fears wrong!

Throughout all my hard work the past 2 months, the greatest thing I have learned is to be myself. To be myself in  group of strangers, as scary as that was, and not be rejected, brought me a sense of happiness and acceptance of myself I've haven't felt in a long time. Frankly, I was about ready to give up. Little did I know, in a sense, I did give up. I gave up on the lies, the deceit, the secrets, the fears of never being good enough. I was tired of having to patch every lie all the time. I know I have said this to myself many times. And everytime I was just buying time. Getting the people closest to me to give me a little more of their energy, love and validation. I am glad I am where I am in this moment. Leaving the safety net of the treatment program was scary for me because I know I have finally learned how to be connected to people being myself. I am learning what it's like to feel and not always be stuck in my mind. I thought that my feelings and emotions were always bad and that made me a bad person. Clearly, I am not. I am a very good person. Just with a lot of confusion about life.
I'm not as confused anymore but I am still in a fragile state and can be broken easily if wanted. I feel like the spring bud on a crocus. Freshly bursting with new life and energy but needing a little extra care as so not to break my new roots. I can still be easily affected by the energies of others and I know it will be a while yet before I feel 100% strong enough to go out there into daily life on my own, get a job and be independent.

I know I still have ways to go on my healing journey but I know I am now able to wake up every morning and look at the sunrise and know I am living authentically. Life is full of wonderful gifts. There is a lot to be grateful for. I do want to start a gratitude journal. I think this would give me some time everyday for ME to focus on the things in my life that I am happy for that I always took for granted. Since being back at home with my wonderful partner, I haven't done much. I have wanted to continue writing and journalling and setting new short term goals. Its a lot harder to apply these things on my own then when I was in the  group. It's still easy for me to make excuses and not do the things I know I enjoy. I am making myself stick with the new tools though as I see a HUGE change in myself. Mostly I just feel calm inside. I am trying not to think so much so that is bringing up feelings of mental and emotional exhaustion. I need rest. I need to relax a little before I start this new program. Being on my own without the security of my coordinator and others that have helped me there is tough on some days. I still focus deeply on my body image however even with that I am proud that I am learning to make the connection between my body and my mind and be more the adult with my emotions and not so much the child.

I don't want to look back anymore. Life is hard enough as it is without having to try and make it harder with lies and being fake. I have been continuing to be honest in my daily life and it's getting easier to be. I hope that I can continue to make myself proud. I also know that  when we are at our worst is when we are actually at our best.
My mind is just getting back into writing so I don't have much else to write at the moment. I will come back when my mind is on track and not so empty. I suppose that is a good thing for a change.

Cheers.

Stepping across the Borderline

It's been nearly 2 weeks since I've written a new post. It feels like so much has changed within me since my last entry in which I was emotionally down. I feel so good lately. Im beginning to feel whole. The last two weeks have been a roller-coaster to say the least. My feelings have ranged from anger/rage to frustration, embarassment and grief or a sense of loss as I let these parts of me go. I keep being told that this feeling of emptiness is a good thing because now I am becoming whole. It seems that there is just no stopping me! Lying was my addiction in a quest for an identity. Chaos was my addiction in a quest for attention from parents, friends and my partner. Shame, guilt, fear, sadness, grief, anger, abandonment and feelings of failure were my consequence. I think or I feel I have let go of most of those emotions associated with the past. The feelings I experience now have not much to do with my past but more with present situations. In a sense I still feel a sense of grieving for myself that I've allowed myself to get that far. I have had such a huge fear of rejection and really I only rejected myself.

As I "let go" I still struggle deeply with my body image. I still distort the truth of who I really see looking back at me in the mirror several times a day. I am like the ebb and flow of a tide after the hurricane. Each day is another day to fight the demons and play the batter in a batting cage. Trying to hit back all the balls coming at me instead of letting them hit me. Life is like this as I'm learning. I can't stop life from throwing me constant lessons but I can control if I want to stand in the way or get out of the way. Hit the ball back or let it hit me. In the past I just as rather assumed that I deserved to let them hit me after all the balls I threw at those around me. The last 6 weeks has taught me that there is no right or wrong in healing. Life doesn't come with instructions. Some days I which it did.

I had an interesting week. Lots of challenges have been presented to me as I still reside at my parent's home for my therapy. I wish I could tell them how I feel. Telling them the truth would destroy more than repair. I don't want to play the bad guy anymore. It's still extremely challenging for me. More uncomfortable than anything. Being in this house doesn't seem like living to me. My mom told someone that while everyone is home they just try and make the most of each moment. I wish I could say that it's true. My goodness how much they lie to themselves as well. I see looking in on them that they have so many secrets, they hide from eachother, they lie to "bandage" things up and avoid conflict. I've never known my parents to be afraid of us as their children but it's true. They are. My mother asked me to lie to my sister about a coat she bought me. I felt manipulated, violated and disrespected. I say to myself wether she is actually truly commited to seeing me heal or she just "supports" because that's what she is supposed to do. This angers me so deeply. I feel like I am not worth the investment everytime she asks me to hide from everyone. This is an extremely dangerous request to make as I am only in the beginning of my therapy and its like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit. "Here, do this for me and I will control you and give you anything you want".  And so to avoid the feelings of failure or to not cause conflict I feel like Im forced into it. I refuse to do this. I have been working hard at therapy and have been honest for almost 60 days and I am proud of that. I no longer will tip-toe around hoping I don't distrupt the tiny eggshell home they have created based around pain, illness, lies, secrets, lack of self care, anger, jealousy and shame. I think I have brought myself to a place inside myself where I no longer rely on their opinions of me. I don't care if they don't approve of what I have on or what I've eaten. I love my family very much and I never want anything bad to happen to them but I just can't stand the drama. Funny I should say this now into my 6th week of therapy when in the past that's all I've created was drama. But no, Im stronger now. I'm honest now. I'm striving to be healthy and happy. Don't I deserve that after all? A part of me still hates myself for the pain I've caused. A part of me still loathes talking about my past. I dislike talking about it becuase I am no longer attached to it. I feel exhausted from all this to tell you the truth. Healing and adopting a better way of thinking requires a lot of thinking! And talking about your problems all day long is honestly the hardest thing to do. But I am doing it and I am proud of myself for coming this far.

I am drawing upon my 6th week on DBT therapy. Looking back I see how much precious time I've wasted in my life on lies, fear of failure, fear of being myself. I've spent so much time believing my own lies. It's pretty ridiculous the concepts we make ourselves believe. I'm glad that I am changing. I realize that I wasn't afraid of anything. As soon as I realized that I knew I was in a dangerous spot. I don't see myself in that spot anymore as I have been working hard at letting go of my mistakes, my emotions, my feelings. What a huge transformation this has become for me! I almost feel sad that it's coming to an end. But I relieved that I get to go home to my partner and start living the life together the right way. I have learned a lot about myself in this process. I am learning to accept my flaws and see the beauty in them. Im learning that "feeling" is not a bad thing. I am learning that the course of my life and the choices Ive made were not entirely all my fault. Somewhere in me I know I will probably never get the chance to speak to my family about where the real issue in me resided as most of it came from my up-bringing but knowing that I have the courage to talk about and heal from it for me gives me great hope for my future. It is giving me the self love I so need to put my pieces back together and create that feeling of wholeness again. I want to feel complete inside of myself and I know I deserve that.

I talk in this blog as if I am completely recovered but truly I am not. The road to my full recovery into mental wellness has no time limit. Healing can take a lifetime. Life is a journey of learning. My perfectionism drives me to keep going as Im not quite where I want to be yet. And that's ok as long as I don't try and control it and keep taking each day one step at a time. I feel I have a lot to offer myself and that self love will drive so many happy and positive moments for me. I still have my down moments but I am happy where I have taken myself and I am excited to see what's next in the life I get to help create with my partner.

Cheers

Karma

I am feeling pretty anxious and sad right now. Perhaps it is because Im feeling alone in this journey today. Perhaps because I have been having more reminders than I care to admit that I like from the universe that it hasn't forgotten my mistakes. I seem to have developed a new fear or a new anxiety. That even though I am healing and taking responsibility for my actions that the universe is still going to make me pay. Thats the downside of karma. I have this fear that I am waiting for some impending trouble to happen to me. And I hate not knowing if that's my anxiety talking or that's my gut trying to tell me something. I know that by writing about it that its probably just my mind playing tricks on me because today I seem to be more emotionally tired after a long week of recovery and missing my partner. I know I have overcome a lot of new obstacles this week. In DBT therapy my goal in assertiveness group is to set a boundary with my family about saying "yes with limits"..This is a relatively new tool for me because I always just say yes and walk away with my tail between my legs allowing them to control my every move. I hate being the disturber of the peace even though I know I shouldnt clean and cook for them. I still do because Im looking for that internal validation that Im worthy of whatever emotion Im starving for. My social worker tells me that I am not at fault for the mistakes my family imposed on me. Having to raise myself from a young age and teach myself some values and try to beleive in something I chose all the wrong ones. I have been asked to write a letter in feelings group about "The Rules I Live By".. Oh joy and bliss. I know the purpose of this is to help me connect the dots about how I got to this spot of chaos in my life. I tried sitting down today to write them and "connect with the feelings"..This is hard to do. Im not sure if the resistance Im feeling with connecting is more to do with the fact that ive let them go or the fact that Im still repressing them. Somehow I just don't care. I'm all or nothing right now. I've let my past mistakes go and I just want to move on from them now. I guess I just answered my question didn't I?  I am getting angry at myself because I feel nothing when I write them. It feels more academic than feelings oriented. What is wrong with me? Am I not doing enough? Not healing enough? Not looking deep enough? These therapists really know how to push my buttons.

I am changing. I am getting better. I am seeing positivity in my mind and little patience for the negativity I once had. I don't see myself as the same young woman that came into the program almost 4 weeks ago now. Looking back I feel and see myself as so much more. I am a living human being again without all the troubles in my mind. And I know that just like with anyone else, I don't need validation or consent even from my counsellor that I'm doing well or getting better. I have been checking off the symptoms on my list and checking them twice. And I am not the same woman. I am ME. I think that others are starting to see the change in me. I feel stripped of every habit I once had. No longer do I stare at my tummy in the mirror when I get up in the morning. I no longer cry myself to sleep at night, wear layers of makeup to hide what's already beautiful. I no longer compare myself to others thinking I am not good enough. I am great just the way I am. I no longer choose lies over truth. The truth is the truth and I can't hide from that. An in addition, it is a easier to deal with. Lies made me empty, void of real feeling. Now I feel full of love, kindness, strength and compassion. Qualities that were already there but couldn't always find their way to the surface in me as I sabatoged myself the last 15 yrs.

I know I am becoming something amazing for ME. And I know as I have been told that the answers I have been searching for will come to me when Im not looking just as by being positive will attract positive opportunities. I can't wait for those. And I can't wait to go back home to my partner and his family as the real ME and not some fake.

Cheers

Transforming my mind..

   In life it is true that the best things don't come with a pricetag. Over the course of my treatment here I am slowly but surely gaining some much needed strength. For all the times I haven't beleived in myself I think I finally am. This program has had its ups and downs for sure. On the first day I was unsure of what to expect because I knew that my fears of being rejected, judged, mis-treated, looked at differently or looked down upon were very high. Having to heal your mind in a group setting has its moments as well as I try and be mindful of everyone's individual issues. We are all struggling with the same feelings, emotions and fears. Some worse than others and some not. Im not very keen on relying on the strength of those in the group to get me through but I am learning that it is just as important as leaning on my own strength because on the days I am down they have been there in-directly to motivate to cheer up and keep going. Most of the time I cant stand to be around most of them as I don't feel like listening to them tell some stupid joke about the counsellors. Those same counsellors put time and dedication into helping us heal and as my family doctor said, supplying us with the tools and the foundation to deal with everyday life that much easier. Truth to be told, no matter how happy and honest we are, life just isn't easy. But I know I am learning to deal and cope with life's ups and downs easier by putting my mental health first. I dont know that I will ever get to a spot in my life where I wont let my emotions affect me, I am human after all but I know that I am capable of achieving mental wellness.
Today for example I am home after a wonderful and amazing weekend with  my partner. I am feeling emotionally very tired because I am so incredibly in awe at the transformation that has taken shape just from my success and honesty alone. I never thought this day would come that I could walk back into the home he has struggled to make for me and find that I no longer have any fears, anxieties or feelings that I have to hide. For all the times I thought that if I let my true side out I would be abandoned well he just helped me throw that fear out the window. I am so grateful that he is in my life and I feel so much better knowing that he saw the change in me even if its only been 3 weeks. Angels dont always come into your life through signs but through real people. He is one. He has been my savior, my crutch, my shoulder to cry on, my partner, my confidante, my therapist, my counsellor, my love and most of all my best friend throughout all that love we share. Healing brings up many new emotions. New challenges to face, new goals, new commitments, new outlooks and new chances. But knowing after this weekend that Ive had the strength and confidence in myself to see me through the hardest journey of my life allows me to see that Im worth it. I am far more well off than alot of people. Writing that brings up feelings of guilt and shame for being so selfish in my past but it was what it was and I am who I am. I made those choices and those mistakes because that's all I knew growing up.

I find being honest now very rewarding. Its a different feeling like I am somewhere and I have no anxiety because I know its the truth. Being honest has changed my health, my life and my mental state. I cant beleive I wasted so much time running from it because it feels so good and its becoming natural. On days like today its a gentle reminder of how far Ive come. It would have been a huge anxiety for me in the past to miss something or whatever. But like today I just went to my doctor's appointment and I asked myself what I needed and I need rest. In the past I probably would have said that Im going to cbt but stay home, but now I am just honest about it all. Nothing to hide from as its the way it is.Ive come a long way and I am proud that I am seeing my progress. I had a realization today that I am healthy and I am happy. Very happy. So starving my emotions, my body, my soul is just stupid. No matter who we are, we are born in this world they way we were born and I guess I am now doing everything I said I was doing years ago. I am now treating my mind and body like a temple. It feels good. This program is only half done but it has done wonders for me in terms of coping with the stresses of everyday life. I am learning to cope better with my emotions and I finally see that Im not all that bad. Im pretty awesome!

I'm not saying that I still don't have down days. I have plenty moments in my day program where I feel completely exhausted, emotionally drained, tired, frustrated, sad, lost, in despair at my destruction and lonely. But I feel those things because Im letting go and I feel those emotions more because I am an emotional person. This is not a bad thing. Im not putting a time frame on my healing as I dont know how long it's going to take me to get to a place of full acceptance of myself. I know I dont have forever to wait around until I find that out and that brings me a sense of fear and panic. However, I am glad that I forced myself into therapy. It has been the best decision I have ever made. And after this weekend with my partner and feeling that level of trust grow deeper again and the love evolve to a deeper level I am more determined than ever to keep creating the life I want for myself and for us. It brings me a great feeling of sadness to be away from him. I have to remind myself though that this process of recovery is not only for me but also recovery for him from the lies, chaos and despair that I put him through. I still have a long way to go to get me to where I want to be within myself but I have made great accomplishments so far and I am happy with that. It would be easy for me in the past to say Im doing a good job but I can do better. Now I know that there is no pass or fail on healing, recovery, or whatever it is. Its about wanting it and owning it and taking responsibility for who I am. Doing that alone and being honest means I have already won the battle. I am transforming my mind so as to transform my life, my health, my soul.

Deepest Thanks to all that have supported me, believed in me and saw my strength when I couldn't see it myself. I could not have gotten this far without you.

Battle of the Body Image

Another busy day yesterday. I woke in the morning feeling rested and ready to tackle my day of healing. Despite the lingering runny nose, cough and upset stomach I think I made it through alright. I have this new stress, well actually and old stress that I have managed to avoid on purpose so I dont get stressed and that is eating in public places. I hate eating in public places where there are a ton of people eating their unhealthy food and gossiping about the herd at the water cooler down the hall in their offices. Not to mention the fact that I hate watching others eat! I'm trying to peacefully swallow my wrap thats not appetizing and salt free and the girl next to me is pulling chewed food out of her mouth rolling her tongue all over her teeth! Gross! Eating in public brings up many unpleasant feelings for me. As if it weren't hard enough dealing with my thoughts all day long before this, but lunch brings on a whole new troop of amunition ready to fire at my brain telling me "thats too much, you will get fat", "wait what did I have for breakfast", "ok lets calculate the calories in this and the carbs in that", and its a pattern that rewinds itself through my head til Ive finally finshed the darn thing. No wonder Ive got indigestion! And thats not even including the moment of peace I have in the washroom where I unconciously inspect my stomach to see if its looking puffier or bigger. This is my routine. Im pretty tired of if. Sometimes I ask myself what it must be like for the skinny girls to eat what they want?
I have worked so hard recovering from anorexia, now as Im trying to heal my mind all these old wounds and patterns like to inconviently re-surface to say "hey you aren't that lonely, you still have distorted body image thoughts"! But its true, I do. My social worker says that its normal for those thoughts to be there as I let the current ones go. Well I wish that these ones would quit bothering me and leave too! Enough already. She says that I developed that pattern out of fear. I suppose she is right. Then again, she has always been good at pin-pointing all the real issues and telling me how it is. I know I have to grow up. Leave behind this fear of fat and of rejection if I am not looking a certain way. I have protected myself so well from the energy of people in public by avoiding it that I have sheltered my body image in a way.
Over the last 4 yrs I can say that I was getting to a spot of small acceptance. Atleast then I liked what I saw, then Im in this day treatment program and Im yet again comparing my weight to all the other woman. Its always a darn competition. I don't want to be that way anymore. I must work harder to combat these thoughts are they arise and thats even harder to do when you have used hiding and starving as a crutch for so long. I have been a cameleon in my days and the real ME at night. I can turn my colours whenever I feel threatened and perfectly fit into any situation as long as Im not there for too long. My social worker says that I need to learn how to connect my mind with my heart and that way I will be comfortable speaking my truth and most importantly being myself around others. I feel I am doing it but there is a long road ahead to get ME where I want to be. When I was recovering from anorexia I wasnt even as focused on image as I was food and good vs bad, black vs white thinking. It was more of competition between my family and I as I struggled for their acceptance of me. I just used food as a control as they couldnt tell me to stuff that away and not express it.

My body image and weight problems are more present when Im at home with family. When I am not around them I dont feel as threatened or feel like I am in a competition. I know that this is an integral thing to remember and work on to eliminate so I dont feel that way or continue keeping that healthy and emotional distance from my family so I dont have triggers. But as I am seeing weight issues or not they still dont pay attention to my needs, wants, or emotions. So Im giving up on them as of now. In this process, I can no longer try and gain their attention by sabotaging myself.

I am lucky that I have this outlook. It is extremely hard to maintain however I am getting there and making it a habit. I know the days I have triggers that there are certain reasons for it and I have to watch out for them and always protect my own well being first. One step at a time and I will find inner freedom.

Patience and Acceptance

What I have learned today is that things happen for a reason. Often times when things dont go my way, I get angry and upset. That is old pattens re-surfacing for me to take a look at. I cant control everything in my day, and even when I plan on it things just go bottoms up. Patience really is a virtue. Its no wonder I havent had a complete break down yet. Biggest lesson I am reminded of today is never tell another lie again. Cause even when I am telling the truth such as in the present moment, karma comes back to remind me that Im still paying pentance. Sometimes the whole idea of event + interpretation = feeling doesnt always work. Sometimes I feel more depending on the day. Like today, I probably could have handled this situation better had I not been so intent on proving myself to my partner that everything I say now is true. It is not easy building back trust but I am learning that hard work and dedication and being honest with yourself goes a long way. I know he is not upset with me but I can only imagine how hard it is for him to trust me when I am still building trust within myself. I didnt go against my goal of being honest but its the reaction you take to certain events that I have to control otherwise they do get the best of me and I feel like Im walking around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Thank goodness for mindfulness class tonight. Phew, I need a breather!

Cheers

I am Me

Here is something I read today and it made me feel ok. Atleast thats where I want to be:

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.” … Virginia Satir

Nourishing my mind...

nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote

I am not, by nature, a very confident person.  I doubt myself.  For that matter, I doubt everything.  And so, like many people with eating disorders or mental disorders, I doubted my ability to get better.  For years, I thought I was too messed up to ever return to anything called normal.

I am lucky.  I have a treatment team and a wonderful partner who believe in my ability to get better.  As much as I hated being honest about what I'd done, I realize now that it was a sign of how much they believed in my ability to overcome this disorder. I think they knew, deep down, that I could get better if I had the chance. I knew I had the ability to get better and that internal confidence has lead me to where I am today; going into my 3rd week of treatment and getting stonger, wiser and more honest. It's hard for people to balance their confidence in your ability to get well and the extreme difficulties that getting better actually takes. This isn't a party by any stretch of the imagination and keeping myself on track and "mindful" is like a full time job. Yet in order to do the hard work, to go to therapy week after week and take my pills and do my assignments I need to know that, somehow, that I will get well. And it is working. I never doubted my ability to overcome anything, I've always had an un-shakeable determination that is now leading me into recovery. My partner says determination is a good quality to have.

As much as I have loved writing in the past, I much more enjoy it now since I have something 'true' to write about. Writing has become my solice from the sometimes stressful emotions that can arise when you are healing in a group with people who are all going through difficulties. I still struggle to clear my head at times when I am writing. As my therapist says in Mindfulness practice, "dont push the thoughts away, accept that they are there, feel them, acknowledge them". When I really stop to accept how much human minds race all the time its easier to see why we are all stressed out! That's alot of outside influence, we are always being bombarded with stimilus from the public, tv, radio, people's conversations. However, as I am learning, that thoughts are just thoughts they are not facts or reality unless you believe in that thought and let it dictate your way of living. Writing however, does not allow me to recover. It is just an outlet for all the thoughts constantly racing through my mind. I can get so easily absorbed in my head that I don't remember what I was even doing. Until you take notice of your mind and its thoughts you miss out on a lot of living. I'm glad for this process. I am even more glad that I'm starting to see change inside of me. I no longer react to the small things. The simple moments are starting to creat a feeling of gratitude and calm that I havent felt in a long time.

It's not about food, too thin or too fat. Its not about feeling accepted or being popular. Its not about status or fame or what pants make your ass look smaller. Its not about who likes you or doesnt like you. Its about choice. Its about taking control of ME and no longer allowing ME to self destruct based on the opinions of others. Now I'd rather not fit in than fit in. Fitting in is just so boring. Don't get me wrong, when I look in the mirror I still judge myself and I still have the internal bully but the important thing is that Im learning how to shut that off and I am learning to love me for me. Thats an important lesson. Its not easy. But as I have seen previously in my struggle to overcome anorexia, that the mind if a powerful tool. I, with much resistance, changed my way of thinking then so I can too now. Nothing in life is easy. The weak sometimes become the strong. I believe in my ability to overcome all the emotions that drag me down. And knowing that I have the mindful ability to place ME at the top of that mountain in my meditation proves to me that I know "ME" is worth it.

Tomorrow starts week 3 so I will write more then as I'm sure feelings group tomorrow will be intense and Ill have lots to post.

Cheers

Week 2 Complete..My DBT Journey...

Week 2 is complete. As usual on fridays after group I am pretty tired. Emotionally I feel like Ive been through the war and back. Mentally Im feeling more confident. Dialetical Behavioral Therapy is not for everyone. DBT is very intense and requires a lot of hard work and a lot of looking within. You really have to go to this program with the frame of mind that you want to heal otherwise you will be like some of the others in my group and really not give a care. Im not saying by any stretch of the imagination that DBT does not work. I have wonderful results thus far. If it werent for my social worker Im sure I would probably be doubting that as I can be hard on myself. When the SW explained to me what I was to be prepared I formed a picture in my mind. Of course in mind the actual healing part was a lot more flowery and pretty than it actually is. Somedays I feel like running out of the room screaming and crying because I hate the choices Ive made in my past. I hate having to relive them. It feels like Im shedding the layers of my heart with a potato peeler. When she asked me what my goals were I was like "goals", whats that?! As a woman who doesnt know the woman I am what kinda goals am I supposed to make. Learning who you are doesnt take a week. However I am humbled by the fact that I am getting there and I am seeing who she is by continuing to break down my own walls.
When I think back to when I was a child, I didnt have much friends. The only person I really confided to was my pappy and he is since passed. Ever since he died it feels like my world came further crashing down. The grandfather that became my father suddenly wasnt there.
"We cant change the past but we can change the future," she said. She asks me what I am thinking a lot. I say, " I feel alone, rejected, embarassed, guilty and ashamed of my true self". "Explain why you think you are guilty" she said. "Lets look at that feeling for a moment". I'm irritated with her already. How can I possibly explain why Im guilty if I dont even know the full reason where it came from! I feel like exploding into a mess of tears. After all, noone said this would be easy. Therapists are really good at knowing which buttons to push. I guess nothing comes easy. So I tell her that I feel guilty for telling all these lies to everyone, especially my partner and my parents and even myself. Its caused me alot of embarassment and shame. I mean I think the public are more accepting of people who have issues but liars... Oh no! Its like you have the plague or something. Even employers. I wonder if they even know Ive lied to them too??
So here I have been. Im in a family that pretends to care but shuns me whenever they get a chance. I am pleased that the universe has placed me perfectly back " at home" temporarily for my healing. As if to tell me politly that to heal I have to return to the place where it all started. It makes sense and I know I am doing an amazing job at combating the stress and anxiousness when it arises. I feel sad that my family is destructing before my eyes. In a sense, even though I ran from them I have still been dependant on them for validation that I am ok. My mother would never tell me I was wrong or had a problem even if I knew I did. I guess that made the problem worse. I ran into my dad last night. According to my calculations since Ive returned it would be 91 days since he spoke with me. Not even "hello how is your treatment going".. I feel bad for him. In a sense Im sure he feels his own level of abandonment. I love my family but I know I love them more when I dont have to see them everyday. Distance allows me to love them more.

I am hopeful that after this 6 weeks I will be recovered or almost there. I hope to be able to say that I am myself 24/7. Right now my emotions teeter on the edge of solidity and fragility. I still feel like I am in a fragile state. Most of the time I am neutral. And when I am in the solice of the room with myself I let me out. The one that doesnt try. I just be. I would like to be her all the time. I never liked crying in front of people. We make weird faces when we cry. I can say with pride that I no longer have thoughts of self harm and I have been honest minus one day for almost 45 days now. Im still combating the negative self talk and the critisizing my body image and weight. This is something that will take me the longest to get rid of.
I still feel that although I talked a lot about my past and my lies and the pain Ive caused my partner that there is still a huge hurt there for me and I still carry a lot of shame towards that.
We talk everyday. My partner and I. He is so amazing. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have this man and I love him more than anything. I said hello to his children last night for the first time since the whole loss of control happened and I went into a state of rage. I can say that it was uncomfortable. I mean what do u say to a child? I was myself and asked the usual questions but it was a sad moment for me because I heard the pain and hesitation in their little voices. I truly never meant to hurt anyone. But I know that its going to be a long time before I gain the trust of anyone on his side of the family. It makes me sad. Very sad and then that sadness turns to guilt and then the guilt turns to shame and then the whole snow ball effect starts rolling and Ill be so hard on myself. Having this diagnosis is one thing, but it didnt give me the right to be mean to them. How do I fix this? The pressing question since Ive started therapy.  My gut just keeps telling me, "Its ok buddy, take your time, breathe, your doing good, just be honest and everyone will forgive you". I am comforted by the fact looking back on my thoiughts that I treat myself as a best friend. I guess there must be change going on in there somewheres. Over the last 2 weeks I have watched myself grow from a shy, nervous, guilty, ashamed and sad woman to a woman that sees hope, inspiration, a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

One day at a time and I will beat this. I am a fighter and I refuse to sit on the sidelines and watch me beat me up any longer. Wish me luck for week 3! Til then,

Letting Go...

Dear Lies,

I wanted to write you a letter today to tell you how I really feel about this whole mess and the pain and torture you have put me through..
I don't think you have any idea how destructful our freindship has been, if that's what you call it. I feel I need to get a few things out in the open with you if you don't mind because I have kept them inside for too long and I don't want to feel sad and guilty anymore.

You see I no longer feel that our friendship is of benefit to me at this stage of my life. I don't really know why we ever became friends because all you have done is belittle me, bring me down, negatively affect my health and well-being and destroyed many important relationships and almost turned the people I care for the most away from me. You have made me angry, sad, depressed, detached from normal things, you have taken away my pride, my esteem and most importantly my truth and my voice. You have caused me stress, made me cry for 15 yrs and made me feel inadequate.

I feel it is best if we dont see eachother anymore. My life no longer has room for you in it. I will no longer support you or listen to what you think is best for me or what path I should take. I will no longer allow you to steal my freedom, my kindness, my faith and my truth. I will no longer let you control or change the way I am. I will no longer allow you to destroy my relationship as I am happy now and I want to live a happy and honest life with my partner. I will no longer let you be the little nagging voice in the back of mind telling me I am worthless or that if I do this I will be better, more perfect, more accepted or approved of. I am accepted and approved and loved the way I am and I no longer have room for your stupidities, your manipulation and your secrets.

I will no longer be communicating with you and I hope that you will respect this wish and do not return. I want you to know that if you do that there will be consequences for that entry back into my life. I will not go down that road and refuse to allow it. I have accepted the mistakes that you have made and I accept and forgive myself for allowing you into my life. I want to say goodbye now because I don't want to be sad anymore and I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough either. I am worth more than you and I will no longer allow you to tell me different.

Good bye Lies.

Jennifer

Feelings vs Behaviors

Goodness, I feel like my head as been through the ringer today. I just got back from day 6 of my 6 week day treatment program. I woke up feeling calm, rested, balanced. I am very determined to continue my healing and get to a spot where I am comfortable being myself and balanced in my relationship. I am doing this and I will never give up!
I had a really great day yesterday talking with my partner on the phone. I feel blessed that there is still such great connection and communication after all my lies. I am working very hard at re-gaining his trust. I know I have to listen to how he feels about it all as that is his way of letting the past year of pain and chaos go. In a way I am grateful that I can hear the damage I've caused but on the other hand noone likes having to hear what the pain they caused to the ones closest to them. Hearing it brings up resistance, anger towards myself, I become defensive. The truth is never an easy thing to hear especially when you know you are doing more than your best to change it. The resistance is there because for so long I never thought I would get caught with the lies I did tell. Maybe it took one hell of a man and being deeply in love for me to get caught. I don't know. I'm still digging up all them in a sense until I get to the root of it all and get to a spot where I can let it all go.

Today in feelings group we were faced with the topic of discussion on "fear of abandonment". Oooh, that's a good one. I've neatly tucked this emotion away thinking I could deal with it later but apparently its the root source of all my current problems. I can see that. We had to write a letter to one of our parents explaining to them how we felt towards them in an effort to release our hurts, fears and angers. I chose writing one to my dad. Frankly, this was hard for me to write. I have much resentement towards my dad. I have much emotions towards the both of them for that matter but nonetheless, I prepared myself saying I wouldn't cry but I did. Half of that crying was nervousness, the other half was repressed pain and shame and feeling for so long like I wasn't good enough for him. Why did I never feel good enough when he was never there to begin with? His lack of concern and lack of emotion towards me and lack of affection fostered a belief inside my heart that I was not worthy of his love... My dad has missed out on all my important things in life. He was never there to go to my concerts, he didnt show up on my birthdays or my graduation, he went fishing on my prom, was working when I was in the hospital. He never once has told me he loved me, or given me a hug. He was always somehow there though to put me down, tell me what I was doing wrong or to tell me to grow up. Is this just tough love? Or no love? I am angry that he was never been there when I needed him the most. I am angry that he favours fishing, work, his buddies and his power tools than spending time with his daughters or even asking me how my day was. I am angry that he has given up on our family. I am angry that he never showed any emotion when my mom was trying to beat breast cancer and even then he sat on the couch and ate pizza. Don't get me wrong, the critic is me is hating me right now for saying the truth about him as I know in my heart that he is a good man and works hard and gave me everything I needed to survive. Everything but love. There is a difference between knowing someone loves you and actually expressing it physically or verbally. I can see that his lack of concern for me growing up has in a sense dictated a lot of my own relationships in the past. The way of thinking that I didn't deserve to be taken care of. If I pretend to be perfect or tell a lie to put on the impression that I am well maybe the guy will love me more. I always made mistakes, I always feared being let down and being told I wasnt good enough because that's what I thought to be true. In the end, I destroyed every relationship I was in, outside of the fact these past relationships weren't healthy for me anyways, because if I destroyed it first well the guy wouldnt have a chance to hurt me first. What a cycle to be in!
I will not send this letter to my dad quite yet as I'm not ready emotionally to send it. Im still fearing the outcome more than being true to myself and the truth of letting him know how I feel towards his behavior is strong. I am intimidated by my dad and on the other end I don't want to hurt him either because in a way I forgive him for never being there because my mom was never there for him either. One big happy family ignoring everyone and walking on eggshells. I refuse to bring myself down in this situation any longer. I will not let my family's individual personalities, likes/dislikes and own unhealthy patterns define who I am any longer or how I feel. They may not support this healthy and positive change in me but that's okay because I'm doing this for me so I can live a happy and healthy life with my partner and not make the same mistakes. I am beyond happy with my partner and want many things for us, I have many dreams and goals that I cant even imagine doing without him and that is was true partnership is about: building a team and not pulling in opposite directions.What they taught me doesnt neccesarily mean that its right for me in my own life. They did what they thought was best because thats what they were taught or shown.
I refuse to be an emotional ball of destruction. I refuse to let their emotions and attitudes get the best of me any longer. I am willing to let go of that and of them if I have to in order to stay true to myself. I no longer want to be afraid of their opinions of me or wether they approve of what I'm wearing or where I'm living. What matters is I'm happy being me. ME. I'm fine being me. I will no longer stuff away my emotions because someone else is more important and their situation requires more attention. I am a human being too and I deserve all the same gifts in life as anyone else regardless of my own personal struggles or diagnosis.

I am reminding myself that my thoughts and feelings are not facts and I should start comparing myself to myself. I will never give up and I will forever remain strong and true to myself, my personal integrity, and my partner who I love so much. I will continue to show myself and show him that I can do this. In the end, thats all that matters to me. Making the right choices from now on and being happy. I'm believing in ME just like my partner has done for the last year and a half. Without him I don't know where I'd be. So thank you to him for being my everything and for being my light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I owe you this.
Til next time...

Body, ____, Spirit: Lines on the Border

So this is a relatively new thing for me. Im not really sure where to start. My aim in this blog is to hopefully learn how to express my true self as that seems to be the growing problem for me in my life. I have gone through many my own self inflicted traumas ranging from anorexia, bulimia, self harm, habitual lying and now borderline personality "symptoms" and social anxiety. I know most of these "symptoms" stem from my lack of truth thereof and constantly being on auto-pilot for the last 15 years parnaoid about my own tales.

At first I didn't accept the diagnosis of having BPD or social anxiety except that it put a face to the shame and fear of abandonment/rejection I've always felt. I hope by starting this blog that I can share some of my struggles and also share my triumps as I continue on this healing journey. I am in a day treatment program that is teaching me the invaluable lesson of being yourself. "Be Myself", that terms used to seem so distant in my mind. Still, Im not really sure where to find all of that woman except to keep looking within and looking forward. The quest to find her and BE her pushes me to never give up.

All throughout my life, especially post anorexia Ive been learning about the term "body, mind, spirit". I was never really sure to be honest what it all meant or what it all entailed until I tried to heal myself from anorexia all on my own and was faced with much inner resistance. During that time I met a mentor so to speak who taught me about the concept of "energy". Growing up I have always viewed everything around me from a purely intellectual way. When what I was thinking no longer served me in that I was not going anywhere and I was just creating more pain for myself I was faced with the tough fork in the road decision as to which direction I would take my life. Believe me, every fiber of my being resisted moving forward. Fearing becoming fat, fearing what people would think of this new ME, fearful of rejection on a new level. And above all, fearful that all the attention I had gained from being stick thin would fade and I wouldn't have enough to "fill" me. In my recovery from anorexia I was forced to look within. I didnt want to look within. What did looking within have to do with wanting to be skinny on the outside? In my last year of recovery I became obsessed with food, only on the different side. I was addicted to cooking, calories, recipes, lists of food, lists of everything that revolved around food. I became the encylopedia for foodies. I knew the calorie content in everything. This was my best freind. So I became a natural nutritionist. Suddenly, I had to change my past viewpoints. I had to adopt a more 'holistic' approach to living as a whole. I came to realize at this point that to live as 'whole' we all must do things everyday that nourish and feed ourselves "body, mind, spirit". "Great", I said. This is fantastic. Ill be healed in no time. Or so that's what I made people believe.

For years I lived by this way of thinking. Body, mind, spirit about the whole situation. This outward fantasy could only be kept up for so long. I had a new addiction now, it was awesome. I became absorbed and obsessed with being 'perfect', the constant self fixing when I didnt need to be fixed approach nearly killed me. I am very well aware of the self fixing, "never be hungry again" on this diet fad we see plastered all over magazines and in gyms. Still, I became obsessed with this newfound way of thinking. I let it guide all my decision, daily living, relationships and personal integrity. I've come to see that I can't achieve balance in one without the other. Lately, I have been trying to balance my mind and spirit because its seemed to have wandered into the darkness of despair, lies, a fake sense of self. I've seen the effects in the past of opening up my spirit so in order to heal my mind...er body however it seems much more of a challenge this time around. It was not always an easy task for me all the times Ive tried to get help. How do you ask for help or try and achieve balance when you don't know what kind of balance you are trying to achieve?! Thank goodness for a wonderful partner who gently and many times not so gently reminded me to go back to these original teachings.

Over the course of my therapy I've had many ups and downs. More downs but the last week was full of ups. I have come to see that I have spent much of my life equating 'wholeness' with just my body and by the opinions of those around me. I have used and abused my physical body, my mind and my integrity and personal respect to gain the approval of my freinds and family. I thought this would allow me to obtain happiness. But, as I see now, I wasn't happy. My lies turned me into a walking ball of destruction and the pain and hurt of the people I loved so dearly were the broken glass at the bottom of my feet. Since the last 15 yrs I have lied about everything even down to the colour of nail polish on my toes. Obviously, the only that suffered besides my dear loved ones was my mind and spirit and my own sense of self. I no longer even trusted who I was. This is a very dangerous spot to be in.
For the last year I have been to countless doctors, specialists, clinicians, counsellors, social workers and therapists looking to them to tell me the reason for my mental fogginess. My anxiety in social situations, my fears of rejection/abandonment, the aching stress in the back of my throat. I wish I had of known then what I know now. That all the stress and confusion was my own lies coming back to bite me in the butt. I searched to all of these people, crying for attention. I wanted a quick fix. Why did I have to feel this way? Why did I have to lie to cover up the fears I had since I was a child, the shame and hurt and lonliness Ive felt. Why all of a sudden did the girl I tried to heal 6yrs previous suddenly need tending to again? I went from being the shy, smiley, always happy girl to the un-motivated and withdrawn girl that keeps running. I have spent countless lonely hours in the dark caves of my mind wanting to get out but not knowing how. I locked myself away in my own prison as punishment for the lies Ive told and the pain Ive caused. Some days I've been as strong as my tears will allow. Sometimes it felt like I didn't even have enough of those. Nothing ever un-natural ever passed my lips and now here I was, the au naturel post anorexic liar popping pills to stabilize my body, mind and spirit.

Then I came to realize 7 weeks ago when I finally hit rock bottom that to heal my mind & spirit I would have to open up my innner core and talk about the real issues. The issues I have been running away from for too long now. The abandonment, rejections, the being walked over and taken advantage of. The pain I've self inflicted as a means to numb my own core. Doing so required that I become very  strong and very honest with myself. This is a hard step to take when you aren't sure of where it will all go. But I decided to stop lying on the borderline of my own borderline diagnosis and take the plunge. What's the worst that can happen? I get better or I go back.. "Make a choice" I told myself. I can be alone for the rest of my life and become bitter and angry or I can face my demons and live a happy, healthy and balanced life with my love. So I did it. I took a step over that tiny little line I had left. Admitting painful mistakes I have once made and admitting to myself that I put me here gave me the strength I needed to forgive me for those times and get this help.

My days are a mixed bag of emotions ranging from sheer pride for my accomplishments so far and lingering pain for the emotional turmoil I've put my family and dear partner through. I know that by continuing on this path of self discovery, of earning back my own trust and sense of self that I will finally know what it means to live balanced in body, mind, spirit. I'm not putting a time frame on my healing because that's what life is all about: A journey of self discovery, a gift to explore the unknown and take ourselves to new heights. But I know through the little bit I am seeing of my true self that I will get there with a few bumps along the way. I am blessed to have a wonderful and amazing partner who supports me, guides me and sees through all the masks to the real me. A counsellor of mine told me that with despair comes wisdom. Nothing in life comes for free, we all have to work for something, even personal freedom from the chaos we create in our own minds. Doing so demands truth, honesty, respect for yourself. I think I have re-gained a little more strength by writing this today. I will write more tomorrow.