Week 2 is complete. As usual on fridays after group I am pretty tired. Emotionally I feel like Ive been through the war and back. Mentally Im feeling more confident. Dialetical Behavioral Therapy is not for everyone. DBT is very intense and requires a lot of hard work and a lot of looking within. You really have to go to this program with the frame of mind that you want to heal otherwise you will be like some of the others in my group and really not give a care. Im not saying by any stretch of the imagination that DBT does not work. I have wonderful results thus far. If it werent for my social worker Im sure I would probably be doubting that as I can be hard on myself. When the SW explained to me what I was to be prepared I formed a picture in my mind. Of course in mind the actual healing part was a lot more flowery and pretty than it actually is. Somedays I feel like running out of the room screaming and crying because I hate the choices Ive made in my past. I hate having to relive them. It feels like Im shedding the layers of my heart with a potato peeler. When she asked me what my goals were I was like "goals", whats that?! As a woman who doesnt know the woman I am what kinda goals am I supposed to make. Learning who you are doesnt take a week. However I am humbled by the fact that I am getting there and I am seeing who she is by continuing to break down my own walls.
When I think back to when I was a child, I didnt have much friends. The only person I really confided to was my pappy and he is since passed. Ever since he died it feels like my world came further crashing down. The grandfather that became my father suddenly wasnt there.
"We cant change the past but we can change the future," she said. She asks me what I am thinking a lot. I say, " I feel alone, rejected, embarassed, guilty and ashamed of my true self". "Explain why you think you are guilty" she said. "Lets look at that feeling for a moment". I'm irritated with her already. How can I possibly explain why Im guilty if I dont even know the full reason where it came from! I feel like exploding into a mess of tears. After all, noone said this would be easy. Therapists are really good at knowing which buttons to push. I guess nothing comes easy. So I tell her that I feel guilty for telling all these lies to everyone, especially my partner and my parents and even myself. Its caused me alot of embarassment and shame. I mean I think the public are more accepting of people who have issues but liars... Oh no! Its like you have the plague or something. Even employers. I wonder if they even know Ive lied to them too??
So here I have been. Im in a family that pretends to care but shuns me whenever they get a chance. I am pleased that the universe has placed me perfectly back " at home" temporarily for my healing. As if to tell me politly that to heal I have to return to the place where it all started. It makes sense and I know I am doing an amazing job at combating the stress and anxiousness when it arises. I feel sad that my family is destructing before my eyes. In a sense, even though I ran from them I have still been dependant on them for validation that I am ok. My mother would never tell me I was wrong or had a problem even if I knew I did. I guess that made the problem worse. I ran into my dad last night. According to my calculations since Ive returned it would be 91 days since he spoke with me. Not even "hello how is your treatment going".. I feel bad for him. In a sense Im sure he feels his own level of abandonment. I love my family but I know I love them more when I dont have to see them everyday. Distance allows me to love them more.
I am hopeful that after this 6 weeks I will be recovered or almost there. I hope to be able to say that I am myself 24/7. Right now my emotions teeter on the edge of solidity and fragility. I still feel like I am in a fragile state. Most of the time I am neutral. And when I am in the solice of the room with myself I let me out. The one that doesnt try. I just be. I would like to be her all the time. I never liked crying in front of people. We make weird faces when we cry. I can say with pride that I no longer have thoughts of self harm and I have been honest minus one day for almost 45 days now. Im still combating the negative self talk and the critisizing my body image and weight. This is something that will take me the longest to get rid of.
I still feel that although I talked a lot about my past and my lies and the pain Ive caused my partner that there is still a huge hurt there for me and I still carry a lot of shame towards that.
We talk everyday. My partner and I. He is so amazing. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have this man and I love him more than anything. I said hello to his children last night for the first time since the whole loss of control happened and I went into a state of rage. I can say that it was uncomfortable. I mean what do u say to a child? I was myself and asked the usual questions but it was a sad moment for me because I heard the pain and hesitation in their little voices. I truly never meant to hurt anyone. But I know that its going to be a long time before I gain the trust of anyone on his side of the family. It makes me sad. Very sad and then that sadness turns to guilt and then the guilt turns to shame and then the whole snow ball effect starts rolling and Ill be so hard on myself. Having this diagnosis is one thing, but it didnt give me the right to be mean to them. How do I fix this? The pressing question since Ive started therapy. My gut just keeps telling me, "Its ok buddy, take your time, breathe, your doing good, just be honest and everyone will forgive you". I am comforted by the fact looking back on my thoiughts that I treat myself as a best friend. I guess there must be change going on in there somewheres. Over the last 2 weeks I have watched myself grow from a shy, nervous, guilty, ashamed and sad woman to a woman that sees hope, inspiration, a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
One day at a time and I will beat this. I am a fighter and I refuse to sit on the sidelines and watch me beat me up any longer. Wish me luck for week 3! Til then,
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