Another busy day yesterday. I woke in the morning feeling rested and ready to tackle my day of healing. Despite the lingering runny nose, cough and upset stomach I think I made it through alright. I have this new stress, well actually and old stress that I have managed to avoid on purpose so I dont get stressed and that is eating in public places. I hate eating in public places where there are a ton of people eating their unhealthy food and gossiping about the herd at the water cooler down the hall in their offices. Not to mention the fact that I hate watching others eat! I'm trying to peacefully swallow my wrap thats not appetizing and salt free and the girl next to me is pulling chewed food out of her mouth rolling her tongue all over her teeth! Gross! Eating in public brings up many unpleasant feelings for me. As if it weren't hard enough dealing with my thoughts all day long before this, but lunch brings on a whole new troop of amunition ready to fire at my brain telling me "thats too much, you will get fat", "wait what did I have for breakfast", "ok lets calculate the calories in this and the carbs in that", and its a pattern that rewinds itself through my head til Ive finally finshed the darn thing. No wonder Ive got indigestion! And thats not even including the moment of peace I have in the washroom where I unconciously inspect my stomach to see if its looking puffier or bigger. This is my routine. Im pretty tired of if. Sometimes I ask myself what it must be like for the skinny girls to eat what they want?
I have worked so hard recovering from anorexia, now as Im trying to heal my mind all these old wounds and patterns like to inconviently re-surface to say "hey you aren't that lonely, you still have distorted body image thoughts"! But its true, I do. My social worker says that its normal for those thoughts to be there as I let the current ones go. Well I wish that these ones would quit bothering me and leave too! Enough already. She says that I developed that pattern out of fear. I suppose she is right. Then again, she has always been good at pin-pointing all the real issues and telling me how it is. I know I have to grow up. Leave behind this fear of fat and of rejection if I am not looking a certain way. I have protected myself so well from the energy of people in public by avoiding it that I have sheltered my body image in a way.
Over the last 4 yrs I can say that I was getting to a spot of small acceptance. Atleast then I liked what I saw, then Im in this day treatment program and Im yet again comparing my weight to all the other woman. Its always a darn competition. I don't want to be that way anymore. I must work harder to combat these thoughts are they arise and thats even harder to do when you have used hiding and starving as a crutch for so long. I have been a cameleon in my days and the real ME at night. I can turn my colours whenever I feel threatened and perfectly fit into any situation as long as Im not there for too long. My social worker says that I need to learn how to connect my mind with my heart and that way I will be comfortable speaking my truth and most importantly being myself around others. I feel I am doing it but there is a long road ahead to get ME where I want to be. When I was recovering from anorexia I wasnt even as focused on image as I was food and good vs bad, black vs white thinking. It was more of competition between my family and I as I struggled for their acceptance of me. I just used food as a control as they couldnt tell me to stuff that away and not express it.
My body image and weight problems are more present when Im at home with family. When I am not around them I dont feel as threatened or feel like I am in a competition. I know that this is an integral thing to remember and work on to eliminate so I dont feel that way or continue keeping that healthy and emotional distance from my family so I dont have triggers. But as I am seeing weight issues or not they still dont pay attention to my needs, wants, or emotions. So Im giving up on them as of now. In this process, I can no longer try and gain their attention by sabotaging myself.
I am lucky that I have this outlook. It is extremely hard to maintain however I am getting there and making it a habit. I know the days I have triggers that there are certain reasons for it and I have to watch out for them and always protect my own well being first. One step at a time and I will find inner freedom.
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