It's been nearly 2 weeks since I've written a new post. It feels like so much has changed within me since my last entry in which I was emotionally down. I feel so good lately. Im beginning to feel whole. The last two weeks have been a roller-coaster to say the least. My feelings have ranged from anger/rage to frustration, embarassment and grief or a sense of loss as I let these parts of me go. I keep being told that this feeling of emptiness is a good thing because now I am becoming whole. It seems that there is just no stopping me! Lying was my addiction in a quest for an identity. Chaos was my addiction in a quest for attention from parents, friends and my partner. Shame, guilt, fear, sadness, grief, anger, abandonment and feelings of failure were my consequence. I think or I feel I have let go of most of those emotions associated with the past. The feelings I experience now have not much to do with my past but more with present situations. In a sense I still feel a sense of grieving for myself that I've allowed myself to get that far. I have had such a huge fear of rejection and really I only rejected myself.
As I "let go" I still struggle deeply with my body image. I still distort the truth of who I really see looking back at me in the mirror several times a day. I am like the ebb and flow of a tide after the hurricane. Each day is another day to fight the demons and play the batter in a batting cage. Trying to hit back all the balls coming at me instead of letting them hit me. Life is like this as I'm learning. I can't stop life from throwing me constant lessons but I can control if I want to stand in the way or get out of the way. Hit the ball back or let it hit me. In the past I just as rather assumed that I deserved to let them hit me after all the balls I threw at those around me. The last 6 weeks has taught me that there is no right or wrong in healing. Life doesn't come with instructions. Some days I which it did.
I had an interesting week. Lots of challenges have been presented to me as I still reside at my parent's home for my therapy. I wish I could tell them how I feel. Telling them the truth would destroy more than repair. I don't want to play the bad guy anymore. It's still extremely challenging for me. More uncomfortable than anything. Being in this house doesn't seem like living to me. My mom told someone that while everyone is home they just try and make the most of each moment. I wish I could say that it's true. My goodness how much they lie to themselves as well. I see looking in on them that they have so many secrets, they hide from eachother, they lie to "bandage" things up and avoid conflict. I've never known my parents to be afraid of us as their children but it's true. They are. My mother asked me to lie to my sister about a coat she bought me. I felt manipulated, violated and disrespected. I say to myself wether she is actually truly commited to seeing me heal or she just "supports" because that's what she is supposed to do. This angers me so deeply. I feel like I am not worth the investment everytime she asks me to hide from everyone. This is an extremely dangerous request to make as I am only in the beginning of my therapy and its like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit. "Here, do this for me and I will control you and give you anything you want". And so to avoid the feelings of failure or to not cause conflict I feel like Im forced into it. I refuse to do this. I have been working hard at therapy and have been honest for almost 60 days and I am proud of that. I no longer will tip-toe around hoping I don't distrupt the tiny eggshell home they have created based around pain, illness, lies, secrets, lack of self care, anger, jealousy and shame. I think I have brought myself to a place inside myself where I no longer rely on their opinions of me. I don't care if they don't approve of what I have on or what I've eaten. I love my family very much and I never want anything bad to happen to them but I just can't stand the drama. Funny I should say this now into my 6th week of therapy when in the past that's all I've created was drama. But no, Im stronger now. I'm honest now. I'm striving to be healthy and happy. Don't I deserve that after all? A part of me still hates myself for the pain I've caused. A part of me still loathes talking about my past. I dislike talking about it becuase I am no longer attached to it. I feel exhausted from all this to tell you the truth. Healing and adopting a better way of thinking requires a lot of thinking! And talking about your problems all day long is honestly the hardest thing to do. But I am doing it and I am proud of myself for coming this far.
I am drawing upon my 6th week on DBT therapy. Looking back I see how much precious time I've wasted in my life on lies, fear of failure, fear of being myself. I've spent so much time believing my own lies. It's pretty ridiculous the concepts we make ourselves believe. I'm glad that I am changing. I realize that I wasn't afraid of anything. As soon as I realized that I knew I was in a dangerous spot. I don't see myself in that spot anymore as I have been working hard at letting go of my mistakes, my emotions, my feelings. What a huge transformation this has become for me! I almost feel sad that it's coming to an end. But I relieved that I get to go home to my partner and start living the life together the right way. I have learned a lot about myself in this process. I am learning to accept my flaws and see the beauty in them. Im learning that "feeling" is not a bad thing. I am learning that the course of my life and the choices Ive made were not entirely all my fault. Somewhere in me I know I will probably never get the chance to speak to my family about where the real issue in me resided as most of it came from my up-bringing but knowing that I have the courage to talk about and heal from it for me gives me great hope for my future. It is giving me the self love I so need to put my pieces back together and create that feeling of wholeness again. I want to feel complete inside of myself and I know I deserve that.
I talk in this blog as if I am completely recovered but truly I am not. The road to my full recovery into mental wellness has no time limit. Healing can take a lifetime. Life is a journey of learning. My perfectionism drives me to keep going as Im not quite where I want to be yet. And that's ok as long as I don't try and control it and keep taking each day one step at a time. I feel I have a lot to offer myself and that self love will drive so many happy and positive moments for me. I still have my down moments but I am happy where I have taken myself and I am excited to see what's next in the life I get to help create with my partner.
Cheers
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