Transforming my mind..

   In life it is true that the best things don't come with a pricetag. Over the course of my treatment here I am slowly but surely gaining some much needed strength. For all the times I haven't beleived in myself I think I finally am. This program has had its ups and downs for sure. On the first day I was unsure of what to expect because I knew that my fears of being rejected, judged, mis-treated, looked at differently or looked down upon were very high. Having to heal your mind in a group setting has its moments as well as I try and be mindful of everyone's individual issues. We are all struggling with the same feelings, emotions and fears. Some worse than others and some not. Im not very keen on relying on the strength of those in the group to get me through but I am learning that it is just as important as leaning on my own strength because on the days I am down they have been there in-directly to motivate to cheer up and keep going. Most of the time I cant stand to be around most of them as I don't feel like listening to them tell some stupid joke about the counsellors. Those same counsellors put time and dedication into helping us heal and as my family doctor said, supplying us with the tools and the foundation to deal with everyday life that much easier. Truth to be told, no matter how happy and honest we are, life just isn't easy. But I know I am learning to deal and cope with life's ups and downs easier by putting my mental health first. I dont know that I will ever get to a spot in my life where I wont let my emotions affect me, I am human after all but I know that I am capable of achieving mental wellness.
Today for example I am home after a wonderful and amazing weekend with  my partner. I am feeling emotionally very tired because I am so incredibly in awe at the transformation that has taken shape just from my success and honesty alone. I never thought this day would come that I could walk back into the home he has struggled to make for me and find that I no longer have any fears, anxieties or feelings that I have to hide. For all the times I thought that if I let my true side out I would be abandoned well he just helped me throw that fear out the window. I am so grateful that he is in my life and I feel so much better knowing that he saw the change in me even if its only been 3 weeks. Angels dont always come into your life through signs but through real people. He is one. He has been my savior, my crutch, my shoulder to cry on, my partner, my confidante, my therapist, my counsellor, my love and most of all my best friend throughout all that love we share. Healing brings up many new emotions. New challenges to face, new goals, new commitments, new outlooks and new chances. But knowing after this weekend that Ive had the strength and confidence in myself to see me through the hardest journey of my life allows me to see that Im worth it. I am far more well off than alot of people. Writing that brings up feelings of guilt and shame for being so selfish in my past but it was what it was and I am who I am. I made those choices and those mistakes because that's all I knew growing up.

I find being honest now very rewarding. Its a different feeling like I am somewhere and I have no anxiety because I know its the truth. Being honest has changed my health, my life and my mental state. I cant beleive I wasted so much time running from it because it feels so good and its becoming natural. On days like today its a gentle reminder of how far Ive come. It would have been a huge anxiety for me in the past to miss something or whatever. But like today I just went to my doctor's appointment and I asked myself what I needed and I need rest. In the past I probably would have said that Im going to cbt but stay home, but now I am just honest about it all. Nothing to hide from as its the way it is.Ive come a long way and I am proud that I am seeing my progress. I had a realization today that I am healthy and I am happy. Very happy. So starving my emotions, my body, my soul is just stupid. No matter who we are, we are born in this world they way we were born and I guess I am now doing everything I said I was doing years ago. I am now treating my mind and body like a temple. It feels good. This program is only half done but it has done wonders for me in terms of coping with the stresses of everyday life. I am learning to cope better with my emotions and I finally see that Im not all that bad. Im pretty awesome!

I'm not saying that I still don't have down days. I have plenty moments in my day program where I feel completely exhausted, emotionally drained, tired, frustrated, sad, lost, in despair at my destruction and lonely. But I feel those things because Im letting go and I feel those emotions more because I am an emotional person. This is not a bad thing. Im not putting a time frame on my healing as I dont know how long it's going to take me to get to a place of full acceptance of myself. I know I dont have forever to wait around until I find that out and that brings me a sense of fear and panic. However, I am glad that I forced myself into therapy. It has been the best decision I have ever made. And after this weekend with my partner and feeling that level of trust grow deeper again and the love evolve to a deeper level I am more determined than ever to keep creating the life I want for myself and for us. It brings me a great feeling of sadness to be away from him. I have to remind myself though that this process of recovery is not only for me but also recovery for him from the lies, chaos and despair that I put him through. I still have a long way to go to get me to where I want to be within myself but I have made great accomplishments so far and I am happy with that. It would be easy for me in the past to say Im doing a good job but I can do better. Now I know that there is no pass or fail on healing, recovery, or whatever it is. Its about wanting it and owning it and taking responsibility for who I am. Doing that alone and being honest means I have already won the battle. I am transforming my mind so as to transform my life, my health, my soul.

Deepest Thanks to all that have supported me, believed in me and saw my strength when I couldn't see it myself. I could not have gotten this far without you.