nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote
I am not, by nature, a very confident person. I doubt myself. For that matter, I doubt everything. And so, like many people with eating disorders or mental disorders, I doubted my ability to get better. For years, I thought I was too messed up to ever return to anything called normal.
I am lucky. I have a treatment team and a wonderful partner who believe in my ability to get better. As much as I hated being honest about what I'd done, I realize now that it was a sign of how much they believed in my ability to overcome this disorder. I think they knew, deep down, that I could get better if I had the chance. I knew I had the ability to get better and that internal confidence has lead me to where I am today; going into my 3rd week of treatment and getting stonger, wiser and more honest. It's hard for people to balance their confidence in your ability to get well and the extreme difficulties that getting better actually takes. This isn't a party by any stretch of the imagination and keeping myself on track and "mindful" is like a full time job. Yet in order to do the hard work, to go to therapy week after week and take my pills and do my assignments I need to know that, somehow, that I will get well. And it is working. I never doubted my ability to overcome anything, I've always had an un-shakeable determination that is now leading me into recovery. My partner says determination is a good quality to have.
As much as I have loved writing in the past, I much more enjoy it now since I have something 'true' to write about. Writing has become my solice from the sometimes stressful emotions that can arise when you are healing in a group with people who are all going through difficulties. I still struggle to clear my head at times when I am writing. As my therapist says in Mindfulness practice, "dont push the thoughts away, accept that they are there, feel them, acknowledge them". When I really stop to accept how much human minds race all the time its easier to see why we are all stressed out! That's alot of outside influence, we are always being bombarded with stimilus from the public, tv, radio, people's conversations. However, as I am learning, that thoughts are just thoughts they are not facts or reality unless you believe in that thought and let it dictate your way of living. Writing however, does not allow me to recover. It is just an outlet for all the thoughts constantly racing through my mind. I can get so easily absorbed in my head that I don't remember what I was even doing. Until you take notice of your mind and its thoughts you miss out on a lot of living. I'm glad for this process. I am even more glad that I'm starting to see change inside of me. I no longer react to the small things. The simple moments are starting to creat a feeling of gratitude and calm that I havent felt in a long time.
It's not about food, too thin or too fat. Its not about feeling accepted or being popular. Its not about status or fame or what pants make your ass look smaller. Its not about who likes you or doesnt like you. Its about choice. Its about taking control of ME and no longer allowing ME to self destruct based on the opinions of others. Now I'd rather not fit in than fit in. Fitting in is just so boring. Don't get me wrong, when I look in the mirror I still judge myself and I still have the internal bully but the important thing is that Im learning how to shut that off and I am learning to love me for me. Thats an important lesson. Its not easy. But as I have seen previously in my struggle to overcome anorexia, that the mind if a powerful tool. I, with much resistance, changed my way of thinking then so I can too now. Nothing in life is easy. The weak sometimes become the strong. I believe in my ability to overcome all the emotions that drag me down. And knowing that I have the mindful ability to place ME at the top of that mountain in my meditation proves to me that I know "ME" is worth it.
Tomorrow starts week 3 so I will write more then as I'm sure feelings group tomorrow will be intense and Ill have lots to post.
Cheers
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