Karma

I am feeling pretty anxious and sad right now. Perhaps it is because Im feeling alone in this journey today. Perhaps because I have been having more reminders than I care to admit that I like from the universe that it hasn't forgotten my mistakes. I seem to have developed a new fear or a new anxiety. That even though I am healing and taking responsibility for my actions that the universe is still going to make me pay. Thats the downside of karma. I have this fear that I am waiting for some impending trouble to happen to me. And I hate not knowing if that's my anxiety talking or that's my gut trying to tell me something. I know that by writing about it that its probably just my mind playing tricks on me because today I seem to be more emotionally tired after a long week of recovery and missing my partner. I know I have overcome a lot of new obstacles this week. In DBT therapy my goal in assertiveness group is to set a boundary with my family about saying "yes with limits"..This is a relatively new tool for me because I always just say yes and walk away with my tail between my legs allowing them to control my every move. I hate being the disturber of the peace even though I know I shouldnt clean and cook for them. I still do because Im looking for that internal validation that Im worthy of whatever emotion Im starving for. My social worker tells me that I am not at fault for the mistakes my family imposed on me. Having to raise myself from a young age and teach myself some values and try to beleive in something I chose all the wrong ones. I have been asked to write a letter in feelings group about "The Rules I Live By".. Oh joy and bliss. I know the purpose of this is to help me connect the dots about how I got to this spot of chaos in my life. I tried sitting down today to write them and "connect with the feelings"..This is hard to do. Im not sure if the resistance Im feeling with connecting is more to do with the fact that ive let them go or the fact that Im still repressing them. Somehow I just don't care. I'm all or nothing right now. I've let my past mistakes go and I just want to move on from them now. I guess I just answered my question didn't I?  I am getting angry at myself because I feel nothing when I write them. It feels more academic than feelings oriented. What is wrong with me? Am I not doing enough? Not healing enough? Not looking deep enough? These therapists really know how to push my buttons.

I am changing. I am getting better. I am seeing positivity in my mind and little patience for the negativity I once had. I don't see myself as the same young woman that came into the program almost 4 weeks ago now. Looking back I feel and see myself as so much more. I am a living human being again without all the troubles in my mind. And I know that just like with anyone else, I don't need validation or consent even from my counsellor that I'm doing well or getting better. I have been checking off the symptoms on my list and checking them twice. And I am not the same woman. I am ME. I think that others are starting to see the change in me. I feel stripped of every habit I once had. No longer do I stare at my tummy in the mirror when I get up in the morning. I no longer cry myself to sleep at night, wear layers of makeup to hide what's already beautiful. I no longer compare myself to others thinking I am not good enough. I am great just the way I am. I no longer choose lies over truth. The truth is the truth and I can't hide from that. An in addition, it is a easier to deal with. Lies made me empty, void of real feeling. Now I feel full of love, kindness, strength and compassion. Qualities that were already there but couldn't always find their way to the surface in me as I sabatoged myself the last 15 yrs.

I know I am becoming something amazing for ME. And I know as I have been told that the answers I have been searching for will come to me when Im not looking just as by being positive will attract positive opportunities. I can't wait for those. And I can't wait to go back home to my partner and his family as the real ME and not some fake.

Cheers