So this is a relatively new thing for me. Im not really sure where to start. My aim in this blog is to hopefully learn how to express my true self as that seems to be the growing problem for me in my life. I have gone through many my own self inflicted traumas ranging from anorexia, bulimia, self harm, habitual lying and now borderline personality "symptoms" and social anxiety. I know most of these "symptoms" stem from my lack of truth thereof and constantly being on auto-pilot for the last 15 years parnaoid about my own tales.
At first I didn't accept the diagnosis of having BPD or social anxiety except that it put a face to the shame and fear of abandonment/rejection I've always felt. I hope by starting this blog that I can share some of my struggles and also share my triumps as I continue on this healing journey. I am in a day treatment program that is teaching me the invaluable lesson of being yourself. "Be Myself", that terms used to seem so distant in my mind. Still, Im not really sure where to find all of that woman except to keep looking within and looking forward. The quest to find her and BE her pushes me to never give up.
All throughout my life, especially post anorexia Ive been learning about the term "body, mind, spirit". I was never really sure to be honest what it all meant or what it all entailed until I tried to heal myself from anorexia all on my own and was faced with much inner resistance. During that time I met a mentor so to speak who taught me about the concept of "energy". Growing up I have always viewed everything around me from a purely intellectual way. When what I was thinking no longer served me in that I was not going anywhere and I was just creating more pain for myself I was faced with the tough fork in the road decision as to which direction I would take my life. Believe me, every fiber of my being resisted moving forward. Fearing becoming fat, fearing what people would think of this new ME, fearful of rejection on a new level. And above all, fearful that all the attention I had gained from being stick thin would fade and I wouldn't have enough to "fill" me. In my recovery from anorexia I was forced to look within. I didnt want to look within. What did looking within have to do with wanting to be skinny on the outside? In my last year of recovery I became obsessed with food, only on the different side. I was addicted to cooking, calories, recipes, lists of food, lists of everything that revolved around food. I became the encylopedia for foodies. I knew the calorie content in everything. This was my best freind. So I became a natural nutritionist. Suddenly, I had to change my past viewpoints. I had to adopt a more 'holistic' approach to living as a whole. I came to realize at this point that to live as 'whole' we all must do things everyday that nourish and feed ourselves "body, mind, spirit". "Great", I said. This is fantastic. Ill be healed in no time. Or so that's what I made people believe.
For years I lived by this way of thinking. Body, mind, spirit about the whole situation. This outward fantasy could only be kept up for so long. I had a new addiction now, it was awesome. I became absorbed and obsessed with being 'perfect', the constant self fixing when I didnt need to be fixed approach nearly killed me. I am very well aware of the self fixing, "never be hungry again" on this diet fad we see plastered all over magazines and in gyms. Still, I became obsessed with this newfound way of thinking. I let it guide all my decision, daily living, relationships and personal integrity. I've come to see that I can't achieve balance in one without the other. Lately, I have been trying to balance my mind and spirit because its seemed to have wandered into the darkness of despair, lies, a fake sense of self. I've seen the effects in the past of opening up my spirit so in order to heal my mind...er body however it seems much more of a challenge this time around. It was not always an easy task for me all the times Ive tried to get help. How do you ask for help or try and achieve balance when you don't know what kind of balance you are trying to achieve?! Thank goodness for a wonderful partner who gently and many times not so gently reminded me to go back to these original teachings.
Over the course of my therapy I've had many ups and downs. More downs but the last week was full of ups. I have come to see that I have spent much of my life equating 'wholeness' with just my body and by the opinions of those around me. I have used and abused my physical body, my mind and my integrity and personal respect to gain the approval of my freinds and family. I thought this would allow me to obtain happiness. But, as I see now, I wasn't happy. My lies turned me into a walking ball of destruction and the pain and hurt of the people I loved so dearly were the broken glass at the bottom of my feet. Since the last 15 yrs I have lied about everything even down to the colour of nail polish on my toes. Obviously, the only that suffered besides my dear loved ones was my mind and spirit and my own sense of self. I no longer even trusted who I was. This is a very dangerous spot to be in.
For the last year I have been to countless doctors, specialists, clinicians, counsellors, social workers and therapists looking to them to tell me the reason for my mental fogginess. My anxiety in social situations, my fears of rejection/abandonment, the aching stress in the back of my throat. I wish I had of known then what I know now. That all the stress and confusion was my own lies coming back to bite me in the butt. I searched to all of these people, crying for attention. I wanted a quick fix. Why did I have to feel this way? Why did I have to lie to cover up the fears I had since I was a child, the shame and hurt and lonliness Ive felt. Why all of a sudden did the girl I tried to heal 6yrs previous suddenly need tending to again? I went from being the shy, smiley, always happy girl to the un-motivated and withdrawn girl that keeps running. I have spent countless lonely hours in the dark caves of my mind wanting to get out but not knowing how. I locked myself away in my own prison as punishment for the lies Ive told and the pain Ive caused. Some days I've been as strong as my tears will allow. Sometimes it felt like I didn't even have enough of those. Nothing ever un-natural ever passed my lips and now here I was, the au naturel post anorexic liar popping pills to stabilize my body, mind and spirit.
Then I came to realize 7 weeks ago when I finally hit rock bottom that to heal my mind & spirit I would have to open up my innner core and talk about the real issues. The issues I have been running away from for too long now. The abandonment, rejections, the being walked over and taken advantage of. The pain I've self inflicted as a means to numb my own core. Doing so required that I become very strong and very honest with myself. This is a hard step to take when you aren't sure of where it will all go. But I decided to stop lying on the borderline of my own borderline diagnosis and take the plunge. What's the worst that can happen? I get better or I go back.. "Make a choice" I told myself. I can be alone for the rest of my life and become bitter and angry or I can face my demons and live a happy, healthy and balanced life with my love. So I did it. I took a step over that tiny little line I had left. Admitting painful mistakes I have once made and admitting to myself that I put me here gave me the strength I needed to forgive me for those times and get this help.
My days are a mixed bag of emotions ranging from sheer pride for my accomplishments so far and lingering pain for the emotional turmoil I've put my family and dear partner through. I know that by continuing on this path of self discovery, of earning back my own trust and sense of self that I will finally know what it means to live balanced in body, mind, spirit. I'm not putting a time frame on my healing because that's what life is all about: A journey of self discovery, a gift to explore the unknown and take ourselves to new heights. But I know through the little bit I am seeing of my true self that I will get there with a few bumps along the way. I am blessed to have a wonderful and amazing partner who supports me, guides me and sees through all the masks to the real me. A counsellor of mine told me that with despair comes wisdom. Nothing in life comes for free, we all have to work for something, even personal freedom from the chaos we create in our own minds. Doing so demands truth, honesty, respect for yourself. I think I have re-gained a little more strength by writing this today. I will write more tomorrow.
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