Goodness, I feel like my head as been through the ringer today. I just got back from day 6 of my 6 week day treatment program. I woke up feeling calm, rested, balanced. I am very determined to continue my healing and get to a spot where I am comfortable being myself and balanced in my relationship. I am doing this and I will never give up!
I had a really great day yesterday talking with my partner on the phone. I feel blessed that there is still such great connection and communication after all my lies. I am working very hard at re-gaining his trust. I know I have to listen to how he feels about it all as that is his way of letting the past year of pain and chaos go. In a way I am grateful that I can hear the damage I've caused but on the other hand noone likes having to hear what the pain they caused to the ones closest to them. Hearing it brings up resistance, anger towards myself, I become defensive. The truth is never an easy thing to hear especially when you know you are doing more than your best to change it. The resistance is there because for so long I never thought I would get caught with the lies I did tell. Maybe it took one hell of a man and being deeply in love for me to get caught. I don't know. I'm still digging up all them in a sense until I get to the root of it all and get to a spot where I can let it all go.
Today in feelings group we were faced with the topic of discussion on "fear of abandonment". Oooh, that's a good one. I've neatly tucked this emotion away thinking I could deal with it later but apparently its the root source of all my current problems. I can see that. We had to write a letter to one of our parents explaining to them how we felt towards them in an effort to release our hurts, fears and angers. I chose writing one to my dad. Frankly, this was hard for me to write. I have much resentement towards my dad. I have much emotions towards the both of them for that matter but nonetheless, I prepared myself saying I wouldn't cry but I did. Half of that crying was nervousness, the other half was repressed pain and shame and feeling for so long like I wasn't good enough for him. Why did I never feel good enough when he was never there to begin with? His lack of concern and lack of emotion towards me and lack of affection fostered a belief inside my heart that I was not worthy of his love... My dad has missed out on all my important things in life. He was never there to go to my concerts, he didnt show up on my birthdays or my graduation, he went fishing on my prom, was working when I was in the hospital. He never once has told me he loved me, or given me a hug. He was always somehow there though to put me down, tell me what I was doing wrong or to tell me to grow up. Is this just tough love? Or no love? I am angry that he was never been there when I needed him the most. I am angry that he favours fishing, work, his buddies and his power tools than spending time with his daughters or even asking me how my day was. I am angry that he has given up on our family. I am angry that he never showed any emotion when my mom was trying to beat breast cancer and even then he sat on the couch and ate pizza. Don't get me wrong, the critic is me is hating me right now for saying the truth about him as I know in my heart that he is a good man and works hard and gave me everything I needed to survive. Everything but love. There is a difference between knowing someone loves you and actually expressing it physically or verbally. I can see that his lack of concern for me growing up has in a sense dictated a lot of my own relationships in the past. The way of thinking that I didn't deserve to be taken care of. If I pretend to be perfect or tell a lie to put on the impression that I am well maybe the guy will love me more. I always made mistakes, I always feared being let down and being told I wasnt good enough because that's what I thought to be true. In the end, I destroyed every relationship I was in, outside of the fact these past relationships weren't healthy for me anyways, because if I destroyed it first well the guy wouldnt have a chance to hurt me first. What a cycle to be in!
I will not send this letter to my dad quite yet as I'm not ready emotionally to send it. Im still fearing the outcome more than being true to myself and the truth of letting him know how I feel towards his behavior is strong. I am intimidated by my dad and on the other end I don't want to hurt him either because in a way I forgive him for never being there because my mom was never there for him either. One big happy family ignoring everyone and walking on eggshells. I refuse to bring myself down in this situation any longer. I will not let my family's individual personalities, likes/dislikes and own unhealthy patterns define who I am any longer or how I feel. They may not support this healthy and positive change in me but that's okay because I'm doing this for me so I can live a happy and healthy life with my partner and not make the same mistakes. I am beyond happy with my partner and want many things for us, I have many dreams and goals that I cant even imagine doing without him and that is was true partnership is about: building a team and not pulling in opposite directions.What they taught me doesnt neccesarily mean that its right for me in my own life. They did what they thought was best because thats what they were taught or shown.
I refuse to be an emotional ball of destruction. I refuse to let their emotions and attitudes get the best of me any longer. I am willing to let go of that and of them if I have to in order to stay true to myself. I no longer want to be afraid of their opinions of me or wether they approve of what I'm wearing or where I'm living. What matters is I'm happy being me. ME. I'm fine being me. I will no longer stuff away my emotions because someone else is more important and their situation requires more attention. I am a human being too and I deserve all the same gifts in life as anyone else regardless of my own personal struggles or diagnosis.
I am reminding myself that my thoughts and feelings are not facts and I should start comparing myself to myself. I will never give up and I will forever remain strong and true to myself, my personal integrity, and my partner who I love so much. I will continue to show myself and show him that I can do this. In the end, thats all that matters to me. Making the right choices from now on and being happy. I'm believing in ME just like my partner has done for the last year and a half. Without him I don't know where I'd be. So thank you to him for being my everything and for being my light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I owe you this.
Til next time...
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