So today I looked at myself in the mirror. Like really looked.. How much longer will I allow BPD and social anxiety to control my emotions, relationships and personal journey?? I don't want it to control it any longer but the actual act of letting go of my security blanket is hard. I still fall back and lean on this wall I have built to eliminate any chance of being hurt further. Funny how I cant include the idea of me not hurting me any longer. I havent lied. Not since last year and that one time with him. Im still trying to be myself and be authentic in my words. It seems the more authentic I am the more I am rejected. Perhaps that is just me rejecting me. Honestly, it is. I hate being afraid of my own potential. Since he left, I have this notion of living life alone. Unfortunatly, that made the social anxiety worse. I am pushing away anyone and everyone from getting close to me or into my small world. I just fill it with sarcasm and humour. I compare everyone to him. I am tired of talking about him.
I think I am more angry at myself for letting myself go 10 steps back. I thought I had this stupid BPD thing under control. I can still turn her on whenever I feel threatened or uncomfortable. I still am threatened by my inner bully who wants to lie when I dont have anything to say. I am so afraid of being alone. I am so more saddened by the recent destruction of my family's divorce.
I am trying to create some much needed boundaries and I am. However, my true voice is so naked and vunerable that everytime I try and state the truth of what I want to say it always comes out more direct and not as diplomatic which then fills me with guilt and self loathing.
I have been taking baths at night to listen to CBT cd and do my writings and self esteem exercises. It helps for the following 24hrs until I need it again. Atleast I am doing that instead of lying or self harm. I have been thinking of making some more definitive goals for myself. If alone is how I really want to be, (because hell no in any way am I getting involved with anyone when I cant even freaking take care of myself) then I need to start building that foundation for me. As he used to say, " a foundation built on bricks and not toothpicks"..
I mis-understand my BPD sometimes. She has so many masks for the faces. I am so predictable. It seems the only time I am 100% comfortable, confident and in control of myself and my emotions is when I am by myself and without outside influence. This is such a limiting and cold place to be when you eliminate contact with anyone who might ruin that emotional control you have designed within. It only adds to the social anxiety and magnifies the lonliness I feel. My future looked so bright at one point. I had the world with him. Even angels have their wicked schemes and he took them to new extremes. Nice line from a rihanna song. I hate the fact that I cant go back and change what I did. I feel guilty and solemn everyday he enters my mind. He will always win, because I keep letting him win. I want him to be praised for giving me so many chances and I want to keep being punished for hurting him, for hurting myself and more importantly for not being able to provide the world for him. I lost my soul mate. How do I even begin to keep moving forward. He is the sole reason beyond my own pain and self suffering...I hate this. I hate it. I kept saying I would never lie again and I couldnt even keep my own word. Thats not good. I gotta get past this. I must!

I ran a 21k marathon last weekend. I was so proud  of myself for finishing it and for crossing the line. Even though I collapsed at the finish line with hypothermia and low blood sugar.... It was worth it, I had the old high of pushing my body to the extreme, reminds me of how far I've come since anorexia. Life is such a contradiction sometimes. There is inspiration and amazement in the simplest of things. Why is everything always so complicated? I tried. I fought and fought for something I believed in more than life itself. I am proud of the fact that I am still moving forward towards mental and emotional independance however I am so held back by these chains he has on my heart. Sometimes we cant always have what we want.
My freinds will read this and be angry at me for not being able to let go and thats okay. I am doing my best and taking it day by day just like the rest of us with these issues.
I hope one day I can look at myself in the mirror and know I am where I am supposed to be. For now, I am just a guest in a city that birthed me. Its not where I belong. My soul knows this to be true. And truth is where I belong.