It’s 2PM, and here I am almost 2.5 years later to the day.... Sitting alone by the ocean. At once we would have sat by the lake there in town on the same bench, by the same trees and then go home where we prepared dinner together, drank some wine, had a bath and talked about our day, like something out of a cheap romance novel. This is same memory where I began to fall in love with you. Where we began our journey together. I’m sitting here in my memory like we once did, but it's not the same as before... It's so lonely, desolate and quiet, not like it once was. The waves, they're taunting me, like they know. The ocean is so cold and oh so unwelcoming. Its not the same as the lake.
I sit here just thinking and writing, afraid to go home. Afraid to go back to sleep. Afraid to wake up. Sitting here, asking the same questions over and over. Questions that I don’t have the answers to, questions I may never have the answers to. I know I’m just tormenting and exhausting myself by running through my own head over and over, trying to figure it all out. But I can’t help it. Should I try to move on? I can’t, I don’t want to...
I know that soon, I will head home, back to my now empty bed. I’ll go and cry once more before I finally lay down, trying to sleep. And I know as I lay motionless, I’ll just dream of you to comimg through that door like you use to. And You’ll come lay down next to me. You'll tell me you how much you love me and missed me. I’ll wrap my arms around you, holding you tight and kissing you again and we'll fall asleep just like old. And I’ll finally wake up, We'll finally wake up together. Wake up from this nightmare like nothing ever happened. I’ll dream and pray, all along, knowing it won’t happen.
I keep on telling myself one more day, I wish I had one more day or one more hour or one more minute with you. Just one more minute of looking at you or one more embrace or one more kiss or just one more moment feeling your presence. I know that's not true though. One more will never be enough with you.
I don't remember being so selfishly happy as I was when I was with you. It knocks the wind out of me how in just days of being with you could suddenly make the world without you be so unfamiliar. Everything is exactly the same as it once was before you. Same bed, same route, same people, same work but somehow it's different.
“They” keep telling me to pick myself up, each day will get easier. Just go out and keep busy. I keep busy but the moments when I am alone, it all comes flooding back like the unwelcoming waves on this beach. And how can I move on? It feels like I’m cheating on you, cheating myself. It won’t help. Trying to fill that huge empty void with meaningless....it just isn’t going to do it. Nothing can fill the emptyness you've left behind except maybe time itself.
But maybe they are right, maybe each day it will get easier. Maybe the day will finally come when I'll wake up and I won't look over to see if you're there, one day I'll wake up and I won’t think it was all a bad dream, one day I won’t wake up and feel angry with you, with myself, one day the tears will stop flowing from my eyes, one day all the pain and hurt will subside. And maybe one day I will be learn how to let myself go and learn to love someone else but I also know, I'll never love anyone as much as I did love you.
I feel like destiny is just laughing in my face, like our story got cut short. Maybe it didn't, maybe fate brought us together, only to rip us apart. There were so many things I had planned, so many things I wanted to do, so many questions I had, so much I wanted to tell you, so much I wanted to experience with you. Maybe fate will bring us back together one day….or maybe in 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years or even 2 decades. .. Maybe the day will come. It'll be like we never left. We’ll go back to that same lakefront, and we’ll run around the house tickling eachother like the kids we once were.
In the meantime, I’ll just try to keep pushing myself and keep busy. Try to push myself further and further, harder and harder. Try to find out what I am made of. Try to stay strong, but also vulnerable because I have to be. I have to accept what has happened and grow. Just keep my mind free, grow and experience who I am and what this life, my life, is all about.
You know, for that hour to two hours when I run or work out, I focus on myself and lose myself. For that hour to two hours I am fully excused for not caring about anything else in the world but my own body. Just to focus on my breathing. Just putting one foot in front of the other. Focus on running, making it to the finish line . It gives me an excuse to yell, to curse, to push, and even to even cry. It gives me that excuse I need to live.
I’ll keep strong. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I need to do and what changes I need to make. I figure that this is the life I need to re-adjust to. I just need to find the energy, the appetite, and the patience. No matter how strange it feels, I need to find my courage to live this life again. I will keep on missing you, I am sure of that. I am just longing for you so bad it pierces my skin and shatters what's left of this heart. Maybe I will just remind myself to breathe in and breathe out as steadily as possible and wait for the day until it comes naturally again.
It is hard though...to just go back and leave that place. I miss all the trivial things about you…like the lines of your tattoo, the way I fell asleep with my head on your stomach, the way you snore and took up the entire bed... all your little mannerisms. Of course I miss the much bigger things as well.
And I do love you; I do love you with all my heart like I always have. I do await the day we may be together again like we never left. My love for you will last a lifetime. But for now, it's time to head back to that same bus stop and lay in my empty bed, where I can lay my head down and dream. Where I may finally sleep. Where I may begin to finally wake up.
The lake and the garage step will always wait for us my love.
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