It doesn't seem fair really...if you think about it. You always ask me how I feel, why I have the expression I have, why do I sigh, why do I pull away when we are talking about the un-named. You get so frustrated because my answer is always the same...I'm fine I say. Or nothing is wrong. And you always say I answer your questions with questions. But I don't want to tell you how I feel. I don't want you to know how much I think about the un-named. I don't want you to know how much I'm hurting and fighting inside between my real mind and the BPD mind. I don't want you to know that it frustrates and confuses when you tell me you want to be with me "that way" when you know how I feel and what I'm going through. I've never been good at confrontations or at being direct in situations like these. Or in situations dealing with the heart. You know that i have been through hell and back and here i sit still tormented by the past. And i havent been able to move forward in all this time. So why are you even considering that I would be ready to take that step. This year when everyone turned on me, you were the only one there and I appreciate that more than you know. I didn't expect to make a best friend. I'm very glad I did. I don't and can't ruin that. The pain we are both feeling isn't healthy. I need space in matters of the heart and soul to figure myself out. I made a promise to myself to be alone until I can learn to love me 100%. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. But you make it hard for me to be honest without hurting you. I dont want to hurt you. But I also need to be honest that doing so and telling you the direct feeling is hard for me because I feel like it would alter the friendship we do have...
I want to forget about everything bad and the pressure and focus on the good. The truth is, I'm utterly terrified. Terrified of being hurt, not being good enough. Terrified of ME. I hate this BPD issue, this social anxiety and eating disorder that I so convienently let "eat" away at me.
As much as I am addicted to love and would run right out and be in a new relationship, I can't. Because right now, I love being alone even more. Being alone may not bring happiness but it will also not bring the sadness and heartache once recently inflicted on me. I feel like a caged canary.
I respect and cherish our friendship and need it to stay the way it is right now. Close, honest, open, respected. I gotta get past this borderline thing, its too present and fresh. I gotta get past my pain and hurt. The un-authentic me is still taking precedence, although I'm honest to a fault now its nothing without ME to back it up.
COnfusion, delerium, frustration and longing for the ME that once was. I miss her. Please come back soon...