I met my dad for lunch yesterday. I think that marks the 3 wk period since he left mom and I hadn't seen him since then. I thought he just wanted to finally spend time with me, somewhere maybe he did. I have worked so hard to try and have a typical father-daughter relationship with him but now I question wether that is what he wants. Anyways, I got in the truck when he came to pick my up at work and he doesn't start driving. So he tells me that he needs to tell me something that I have to promise not to repeat. I am starting to think something is wrong with me that others always come to confide in me. My family must have been totally oblivious to the fact I went through and am still going through group to be myself, be honest and not have secrets, yet they keep asking me to hoard them on my already over-stuffed heart. Anyways, he tells me I have to promise not to tell mom, that he only trusts me and I am his rock..but that he has a girlfriend and her name is Mary and she is really nice and beautiful and he hasn't been this happy in 15yrs.. WOW. informationi over-load. "You just let my mother high and dry and now you are telling me you have a girlfriend and she takes good care of you"....I feel like I am going to throw up. So I told him that's good and I'm glad he is happy..all while tightening the grip on my scarf as to not to cry. I feel so torn. I didn't want to know specifics, I didnt want to know that someone else was better again..how much more loss can I take. He is moving in with this Mary lady in a few mos, WOW..that was quick. I guess it was a lie when he told me there was noone else..Lies, lies and more lies. Is there a pattern here I never saw before..gee, I wonder. Sarcasm intended. Then just to ice that melted cake a little more, he tells me, "I love your mother but I'm just not in love with her, I want to be able to walk down the beach and hold hands and feel wanted"..Granted, everyone has the right to be happy and live their life the way they want, I just don't want to know that he has intentions to be with this lady for a long time and then tell me I have to meet her in 2 wks. Dad tells me I have to choose to not take sides and I felt like saying you are making me keep secrets and know these things and not want me to take sides. Its uncomfortable and gross. And then he has the nerve to ask me if he can borrow another 200$, it's not like I don't have the money, its the principle. I told him fine, but if one cent of it goes towards her I will never speak to you again. I haven't seen the money back yet.

Sigh, I am really tired of this. Not only do I have to be there for mom but now I gotta be there for dad and his new woman..all the while dealing with my own loss. Mom lost it, she is dying of breast cancer, another news flash and my sister is not expected to live past 30. Yan, still hasn't responded to any of my emails. I feel lost, alone, abandoned and I feel resentment, loss, guilt for I dont know what and I handful of remorse and shame on top just for the heck of it.
At times like this I wish I had yan here to talk to.. I really miss our bond. Anyways, back to work. I'll get through this somehow...I thought I had finished climbing my mountain last november in group, that was easy compared to this. Little did I know I hadn't even reached the top yet.