Sigh, again another day with my roller coaster emotions. Mental illness this and that, always looming in the bakground trying to suffocate me into staying in the past. I have healed so much. Everyone of my close freinds keep telling me, "if anyone can recover from this, its you". Somedays I believe them, some days I wonder where they get that from. The last year has been a journey of self discovery, admist my diagnosis of social anxiety and borderline personality disorder, in this moment, I feel like I finally am at a point where I know myself the best. I am honest, although some days still, my fears of rejection and abandonment still creep up to frighten me and I want to fabricate to be accepted but I think first and I don't tell a lie. I have lost so much. I have gained insight but lost the things dear to me. I don't think it weighs out. I have been having several mornings this week with manic hyperness, a fuel of emotions wells up inside me I can't control and I am buzzing around like I just found my best freind. I wish that were true. Social anxiety isn't easy to recover from. It isn't easy to get on that crowded bus every morning in my business casual attire and pretend that people aren't looking at me. My hands shake and my head swirls and I escape to the back of the bus for the remaining 45mins til my stop. People notice me, and I notice them noticing me. I check my face in the compact mirror, wondering if there is something wrong with me. Again, I am pre-occupied with thinking I am at fault. What happened to the confident me that used to be able to talk to anyone and not care what they thought.
I am beside myself. The therapist tells me I have come so far and that I am a model of recovery for those also going through what I am going through. People with mental illness don't deal well with loss. I am one of them. Since he left, I have been a mess all the while still working and working towards my goals.

Last week, dad told mom that he was leaving and wanted a divorce. The worse part about it was, he told me first and asked me to keep it a secret. Like I don't have enough problems and I gotta keep something else hidden. Why me. I am angered by this lack of respect. I am not shocked that he is leaving, I am not hurt. I saw this coming, he has never been there anyways, so there isn't much to get accustomed to. He texted me today and said he missed me. I told him again that he had 30yrs to correct that but didn't decide to until now. Everything always happens when someone leaves. As soon as a little stability crawls into my life the universe shatters it again. I can't take much more of this emotional fragility. They don't want me to be involved yet I am still an emotional punching bag for their quarrels between eachother asking me who said what to eachother.

I miss my relationship. I think the borderline in me misses dependancy and I am trying to get away from that. I miss the intense love, the deperatness almost to get back home and be with him, to share my day, to crawl into his arms and know I was safe. Safety isn't what it used to be. Maybe I am making no sense.

All the while I had loved, lost, regretted, never realizing he was more than just there, more than just around. I'll admit I was never a good partner to him, too many lies, too many unanswered questions. Now I've lost him. When I finally realized it was him, it was always him, he was gone. Maybe circumstances can change, and somehow I can show him who I really I am. Until then I will wait, like he did for so long; I will be here.

I am drawing a blank now. More writing tomorrow as this isn't flowing..