Glass half empty

There has been so much confusion and pain lately I really don't know wether I am coming or going. Since last monday this has been the hardest and most painful week I have gone through in awhile. Forcing myself to turn off my love isn't easy. It seems to come easy for him. Lack of affection, lack of interest, lack of anything of the above has broken my wings and destroyed my heart. What's the point in sharing your vulnerability if it always gets shaken and mis-used. He says that "life will just move on".. I'm not sure how to react to this but to feel more confusion and hurt. I don't get it. I really don't. I just can't move on and pretend nothing has happened; that my heart doesn't feel loneliness and ache for the loss of him no longer being here. The silence between us is enough to make me go back into a state of depression, self-doubt and hurt. Even if things weren't that way and we were talking what would I say anyways?? It feels like my opinion doesn't matter. As much as I am trying to whip out my trusty DBT tool box and try and find the positive in this situation, right now I don't see much of that. It is already hard enough to practice acceptance and gratitude when I am losing the love of my life. He is in the garage right now having his coffee and a cigarette. There have been so many times I've sat on the step and enjoyed that with him. ........I can't bear the sound of the ticking clock as our silence continues as it reminds me of how precious time is and how much time of it I don't have left here in this life with him. Having the love of your life break up with you and say we can still be 'friends' is like your mom telling you your dog died but you can still keep it.
I know that this was all my fault. I didn't want this to happen. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I didn't. He asked me who was the meanest in this relationship the last 2 years. Obviously the appropriate response to his ears would be to say I was. Of course, I was but there were so many good times and without saying it was because I have a mental illness, I was never trying to be mean. Emotions can get out of control. I am not a mean person naturally and I wish that he would just forgive me. So much guilt. It is easy to ask myself over and over again lately what it is that I did that wasn't good enough. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, don't think military enough or am not lovable enough. I will never know the why. It's torture is what it is. I am prepared to spend forever alone. He says that love is not enough. It certainly was enough before. But I bite my tongue and hold back my tears and pray that this nightmare will end soon and the pain and hurt that I feel will somehow vanish into the night and all this will be just a bad dream and I can lay softly in the hollowed out space of his arm pit at night as he kisses my forehead while I fall asleep....

"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our mind how we want our heart to feel. Sometimes we just have to go with, Whatever happens, happens". -Unknown-

Heartache and Tears

Even though you say you aren't changing your mind and your not coming back...after all this time.. we are just "freinds"... as much as that f****ing hurts...just so you know... no one comes close... I am prepared to spend forever alone...

Turning the Mind..

It's been four days since I've told that lie. I am back on track with honesty and truth. As good as that feels, it doesn't seem to be having the same effect as before with my interpersonal relationship. This sounds so wrong. I came to the realization that accepting something is not the same as judging it good. I have decided to tolerate the moment however uncomfortable I have made it. I know I can get us through this. My commitment to accept that this is the way it is right now is not the same as acceptance but has turned me towards the path I am trying desperately to get on. I feel I have made the first step so many times. I am frustrating myself. I am having all these emotions I haven't felt since completion of my last treatment program. I know in my heart that these emotions are solely the after effects of my lie. Everything else is good in my life. I have dealt with the guilt and shame I felt for past actions and burned those as I continued to heal. Having to feel them again really isn't good for my confidence. I am so disappointed in myself. I am even more shameful and guilty knowing that my partner is disappointed in me too.

Reminding myself in these moments of depression and panic requires me to turn my mind over and over and over again. When I am in it, it's not always so easy to remember to take a step back. Being as important and special that he is to me, I panic a lot when there is conflict because I love him so much. Conflict is the last thing I want. I know that turning my mind is me choosing the "accepting road" and not the "rejecting reality" road. I am just so mad at myself for not being respectful on monday night. My mind is full of "should have's" and "I wish" phrases. This wasn't supposed to happen. Me saying that is not really accepting reality. Even though I know I need to. I can't go back and change it. I feel like an idiot. The after effects of shame are worse than feeling the actual emotion I think. I am trying to turn my mind into not believing I am defective but the intense sadness, fear and anger I am experiencing for the first time in 4mos are very strong. I have made new resolutions to change and am trying to fix the harm and damage by changing the present moment. This is not an easy thing to do when I feel like I'm being ignored. Since starting the new program on distress tolerance I am building more positive experiences for myself and my partner. I remember how good I felt when I ended the last program and I need to continue with that positivity because it also had a lasting effect on my partner's attitude as well. I hope it continues to work because I love him very much and want a life with him built around respect and honesty. I wrote a list of what I wanted for us in our relationship. This is the first time I have done something like that but it helped to clearly define what I value in our relationship and the positives I have to offer being my authentic self.

Which brings me to the point of: I know I am not BPD anymore nor have any of its symptoms. My emotions and actions are solely my own choice. I know that my social anxiety can be rectified by more willingness on my part to get active and be more out going, start more conversations and most importantly believe in myself and remain confident in who I am. Learning to be myself is not difficult but it is uncomfortable some days as I continue to struggle to learn or remind myself of who I am. My mom says I do know who I am and that's a boost to my confidence. She has been helping to remind me of the positive qualities I bestow and what I used to be really good at. This new program is good but it doesn't have the same support I was hoping for. Having said that, I know that I am feeling alone in this process so I must rely on my own strength and keep being myself.

I had a point to this entry today but I think I've gotten off track. I will continue to turn my mind and remain truthful to myself and to my partner and I know that we will get through this. My homework for Monday's group is to write a forgiveness letter to myself. I wanted to change it around and have it addressed to me from my partner outlining why he feels so hurt but then I also realized the importance of forgiving myself first and I can do the other letter as a thing for my own healing on my own time. Both would be effective.

I will write more again tomorrow. Getting back into writing has helped me clear my head and see the positives in this current situation. All will get back on track soon. I won't ever give up on myself like that again. I love him so much. There is much to look forward to when I keep a positive attitude for us.

Cheers

Acceptance is the only way out of Hell...

It's been a really long time since I've written anything. AGAIN. I've kind of been trying to get through life normally without being stuck in my head. The last two months have been relatively calm so to speak. I got through christmas with only a few hiccups. Mostly my own expectations of trying to please everyone during the holidays. The stress of that got to me a few times but I worked through it.

The new year is upon me and I have been feeling quite insecure. My high set goals of not wanting this year to be the same as the last has gotten the best of me. I've let myself get stuck in my head again for the first time since digging myself out the black hole I was in last fall. Despite all my hard work and dedication to healing I slipped back a bit and told a lie monday night to my partner. As stupid as it was, I told him the puppy pooped outside when really she did inside. I know that sounds completely immature but I was afraid due to my insecurities that he would be upset if she didn't go outside. I had a panic attack when he questioned me on it and allowed my emotions to control me instead of me controlling them. I pushed him verbally until he was so mad that he said our relationship was over. This attack I had showed me that honestly I still have a lot to move on from. I still have emotions I need to work through.

My lack of good memory lately and growing comfort level with my partner somehow drove me to disregard things others may seem important to them. I've been learning that I'm supposed to put myself first. Doing so was more of a burden that not. It seems the more I put myself first in the healing process the more selfish I am told I am. I have never had bad or negative (hurtful) intentions towards anyone especially my partner. I feel terrible for mondays episode. It could have been avoided. The worst part is I don't have any good explanation for doing it. Carelessness perhaps but that doesn't make it any better. I realize in that moment that I wasn't acting like the adult self and only as the child.. with tantrums, emotions running wild and saying anything to get my way. It's easy to say I'm feeling better, even though I was, when there is no conflict, but when it does happen is the true test of where my success will lie. I really need to continue to work on managing powerful emotions when they arise. I will continue to be the only one suffering if I don't. I really don't want my life to continue like that and I feel I have made great success but I can't forget that my fears and insecurities are still very present even if they sometimes lay dormant when I'm feeling well.

I don't expect anyone to pay for my mistakes. As much as I hate admitting this, they are. I don't want my partner to hurt. Want it or not he is. And even when he says he  is willing to forgive and forget. It really doesn't mean that he's forgotten. IT REALLY DOESN'T! Reality is I need to work harder at combatting this. I can't live like this in my mind any longer. There is no need for me to be dishonest. There really isn't. I am disappointed in myself because I was doing phenomenal. Despite that one lie on monday I haven't told a single lie in 129 days. I'd like to say keep going on that and I will but now I have to start from 0 again. And that really sucks. I deny myself the right to be happy, independent and mature every-time I do. I know I can't take everything so personally. People are entitled to their opinions and to feel what they want to feel. I can't stop it or control it to shield my heart. Truth is, I'm not the only one with exquisitely sensitive emotions. When my partner says all I do is apologize and say "it won't happen again" and that he doesn't believe that anymore, sure it hurts me really bad. But its the truth and all I can do is accept that he is going to feel that way. I don't want to be sorry all the time but atleast saying sorry is a way for me to admit that I did wrong and that I am accepting and respecting his emotions.
Not being able to work and go to therapy is pissing me off. I want to work. I want to contribute to this partnership and give back. Furthermore, just as importantly, I want to be independent and DEPENDENT on myself and be a contributer to society and to my partner in a human way and not an invalid like I feel some days. I know that not working has a lot to do with being stuck in my mind. It allows more time for focusing on my body image or things I want to to better instead of turning the mind to positive things. And although it's never an easy thing or healthy for that matter to constantly remind myself of what I've done wrong or how many lies I've told, I must so I don't go getting to comfortable or self assured. Is this wrong??

Proud as I am to say I am not stuck in my past anymore, being stuck focusing on the future isn't good either. It doesn't help acceptance and being in the moment. Acceptance of this current situation is needed and is the only way out of the hell I continue to create in my mind. Pain creates suffering only when we refuse to accept the pain. Committing to acceptance is not an easy thing. It hurts. I need to build mastery and more self respect and more respect for my partner. And I need to interact with him in a way that makes me feel competent and effective, not helpless and overly dependent. That is the last thing I want. I need to continue to create structure for myself and take on my responsibilities. And, in keeping with my adult self I absolutely must keep acting in a way that my partner keeps loving and respecting me and balance my immediate goals with that of our long term relationship. Because I love him and I love myself and I want us to be happy and healthy.

I am hoping that this new treatment program I am will help tie up the loose ends in my spirit, help me continue to manage my emotions in a healthy way and help bring our bond closer together. This is all I've wanted since the beginning. Accepting that is not what I chose in past actions, I can still change this path for us today so we can be happy together always.

Cheers

A new Outlook

It's been quite some time since I've posted anything new on here. A lot has been going on I guess. Since I've last posted, I've completed the 6 week day treatment program with good success. I've accomplished more than I ever thought was possible.

Since my diagnosis back in July 2010 of being told I have Borderline personality disorder, I have worked very hard at calming down my moods and behaviors. It is now November and my diagnosis has changed. This change solely came from within my own self and my desire to live a better life. I do not think that having BPD was a life sentence. My social anxiety has become more of a problem than the BPD itself. I believe and have come to learn that those BPD symptoms I had were a result of my extreme and out of control lying. My constant fears of abandonment, rejection, and being alone stemmed from not wanting to ever get caught with all the lies I did tell. Learning to stop lying has brought up new challenges and new anxieties. Would I ever be honest enough with myself to tell the truth and face all my inner demons?? Would I like to real me?? Truth to be told, it's been 15 yrs since I've actually been my real self.. It's no wonder I had fears! And what about the people in my life that meant the most to me. Would they stay? Or would they never feel they could forgive me? Not knowing the outcome of this therapy is what brought me the most anxiety. I didn't know if I was strong enough to tell the truth to myself or to a group of strangers I'd never met before. I am glad that I proved my own fears wrong!

Throughout all my hard work the past 2 months, the greatest thing I have learned is to be myself. To be myself in  group of strangers, as scary as that was, and not be rejected, brought me a sense of happiness and acceptance of myself I've haven't felt in a long time. Frankly, I was about ready to give up. Little did I know, in a sense, I did give up. I gave up on the lies, the deceit, the secrets, the fears of never being good enough. I was tired of having to patch every lie all the time. I know I have said this to myself many times. And everytime I was just buying time. Getting the people closest to me to give me a little more of their energy, love and validation. I am glad I am where I am in this moment. Leaving the safety net of the treatment program was scary for me because I know I have finally learned how to be connected to people being myself. I am learning what it's like to feel and not always be stuck in my mind. I thought that my feelings and emotions were always bad and that made me a bad person. Clearly, I am not. I am a very good person. Just with a lot of confusion about life.
I'm not as confused anymore but I am still in a fragile state and can be broken easily if wanted. I feel like the spring bud on a crocus. Freshly bursting with new life and energy but needing a little extra care as so not to break my new roots. I can still be easily affected by the energies of others and I know it will be a while yet before I feel 100% strong enough to go out there into daily life on my own, get a job and be independent.

I know I still have ways to go on my healing journey but I know I am now able to wake up every morning and look at the sunrise and know I am living authentically. Life is full of wonderful gifts. There is a lot to be grateful for. I do want to start a gratitude journal. I think this would give me some time everyday for ME to focus on the things in my life that I am happy for that I always took for granted. Since being back at home with my wonderful partner, I haven't done much. I have wanted to continue writing and journalling and setting new short term goals. Its a lot harder to apply these things on my own then when I was in the  group. It's still easy for me to make excuses and not do the things I know I enjoy. I am making myself stick with the new tools though as I see a HUGE change in myself. Mostly I just feel calm inside. I am trying not to think so much so that is bringing up feelings of mental and emotional exhaustion. I need rest. I need to relax a little before I start this new program. Being on my own without the security of my coordinator and others that have helped me there is tough on some days. I still focus deeply on my body image however even with that I am proud that I am learning to make the connection between my body and my mind and be more the adult with my emotions and not so much the child.

I don't want to look back anymore. Life is hard enough as it is without having to try and make it harder with lies and being fake. I have been continuing to be honest in my daily life and it's getting easier to be. I hope that I can continue to make myself proud. I also know that  when we are at our worst is when we are actually at our best.
My mind is just getting back into writing so I don't have much else to write at the moment. I will come back when my mind is on track and not so empty. I suppose that is a good thing for a change.

Cheers.

Stepping across the Borderline

It's been nearly 2 weeks since I've written a new post. It feels like so much has changed within me since my last entry in which I was emotionally down. I feel so good lately. Im beginning to feel whole. The last two weeks have been a roller-coaster to say the least. My feelings have ranged from anger/rage to frustration, embarassment and grief or a sense of loss as I let these parts of me go. I keep being told that this feeling of emptiness is a good thing because now I am becoming whole. It seems that there is just no stopping me! Lying was my addiction in a quest for an identity. Chaos was my addiction in a quest for attention from parents, friends and my partner. Shame, guilt, fear, sadness, grief, anger, abandonment and feelings of failure were my consequence. I think or I feel I have let go of most of those emotions associated with the past. The feelings I experience now have not much to do with my past but more with present situations. In a sense I still feel a sense of grieving for myself that I've allowed myself to get that far. I have had such a huge fear of rejection and really I only rejected myself.

As I "let go" I still struggle deeply with my body image. I still distort the truth of who I really see looking back at me in the mirror several times a day. I am like the ebb and flow of a tide after the hurricane. Each day is another day to fight the demons and play the batter in a batting cage. Trying to hit back all the balls coming at me instead of letting them hit me. Life is like this as I'm learning. I can't stop life from throwing me constant lessons but I can control if I want to stand in the way or get out of the way. Hit the ball back or let it hit me. In the past I just as rather assumed that I deserved to let them hit me after all the balls I threw at those around me. The last 6 weeks has taught me that there is no right or wrong in healing. Life doesn't come with instructions. Some days I which it did.

I had an interesting week. Lots of challenges have been presented to me as I still reside at my parent's home for my therapy. I wish I could tell them how I feel. Telling them the truth would destroy more than repair. I don't want to play the bad guy anymore. It's still extremely challenging for me. More uncomfortable than anything. Being in this house doesn't seem like living to me. My mom told someone that while everyone is home they just try and make the most of each moment. I wish I could say that it's true. My goodness how much they lie to themselves as well. I see looking in on them that they have so many secrets, they hide from eachother, they lie to "bandage" things up and avoid conflict. I've never known my parents to be afraid of us as their children but it's true. They are. My mother asked me to lie to my sister about a coat she bought me. I felt manipulated, violated and disrespected. I say to myself wether she is actually truly commited to seeing me heal or she just "supports" because that's what she is supposed to do. This angers me so deeply. I feel like I am not worth the investment everytime she asks me to hide from everyone. This is an extremely dangerous request to make as I am only in the beginning of my therapy and its like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit. "Here, do this for me and I will control you and give you anything you want".  And so to avoid the feelings of failure or to not cause conflict I feel like Im forced into it. I refuse to do this. I have been working hard at therapy and have been honest for almost 60 days and I am proud of that. I no longer will tip-toe around hoping I don't distrupt the tiny eggshell home they have created based around pain, illness, lies, secrets, lack of self care, anger, jealousy and shame. I think I have brought myself to a place inside myself where I no longer rely on their opinions of me. I don't care if they don't approve of what I have on or what I've eaten. I love my family very much and I never want anything bad to happen to them but I just can't stand the drama. Funny I should say this now into my 6th week of therapy when in the past that's all I've created was drama. But no, Im stronger now. I'm honest now. I'm striving to be healthy and happy. Don't I deserve that after all? A part of me still hates myself for the pain I've caused. A part of me still loathes talking about my past. I dislike talking about it becuase I am no longer attached to it. I feel exhausted from all this to tell you the truth. Healing and adopting a better way of thinking requires a lot of thinking! And talking about your problems all day long is honestly the hardest thing to do. But I am doing it and I am proud of myself for coming this far.

I am drawing upon my 6th week on DBT therapy. Looking back I see how much precious time I've wasted in my life on lies, fear of failure, fear of being myself. I've spent so much time believing my own lies. It's pretty ridiculous the concepts we make ourselves believe. I'm glad that I am changing. I realize that I wasn't afraid of anything. As soon as I realized that I knew I was in a dangerous spot. I don't see myself in that spot anymore as I have been working hard at letting go of my mistakes, my emotions, my feelings. What a huge transformation this has become for me! I almost feel sad that it's coming to an end. But I relieved that I get to go home to my partner and start living the life together the right way. I have learned a lot about myself in this process. I am learning to accept my flaws and see the beauty in them. Im learning that "feeling" is not a bad thing. I am learning that the course of my life and the choices Ive made were not entirely all my fault. Somewhere in me I know I will probably never get the chance to speak to my family about where the real issue in me resided as most of it came from my up-bringing but knowing that I have the courage to talk about and heal from it for me gives me great hope for my future. It is giving me the self love I so need to put my pieces back together and create that feeling of wholeness again. I want to feel complete inside of myself and I know I deserve that.

I talk in this blog as if I am completely recovered but truly I am not. The road to my full recovery into mental wellness has no time limit. Healing can take a lifetime. Life is a journey of learning. My perfectionism drives me to keep going as Im not quite where I want to be yet. And that's ok as long as I don't try and control it and keep taking each day one step at a time. I feel I have a lot to offer myself and that self love will drive so many happy and positive moments for me. I still have my down moments but I am happy where I have taken myself and I am excited to see what's next in the life I get to help create with my partner.

Cheers

Karma

I am feeling pretty anxious and sad right now. Perhaps it is because Im feeling alone in this journey today. Perhaps because I have been having more reminders than I care to admit that I like from the universe that it hasn't forgotten my mistakes. I seem to have developed a new fear or a new anxiety. That even though I am healing and taking responsibility for my actions that the universe is still going to make me pay. Thats the downside of karma. I have this fear that I am waiting for some impending trouble to happen to me. And I hate not knowing if that's my anxiety talking or that's my gut trying to tell me something. I know that by writing about it that its probably just my mind playing tricks on me because today I seem to be more emotionally tired after a long week of recovery and missing my partner. I know I have overcome a lot of new obstacles this week. In DBT therapy my goal in assertiveness group is to set a boundary with my family about saying "yes with limits"..This is a relatively new tool for me because I always just say yes and walk away with my tail between my legs allowing them to control my every move. I hate being the disturber of the peace even though I know I shouldnt clean and cook for them. I still do because Im looking for that internal validation that Im worthy of whatever emotion Im starving for. My social worker tells me that I am not at fault for the mistakes my family imposed on me. Having to raise myself from a young age and teach myself some values and try to beleive in something I chose all the wrong ones. I have been asked to write a letter in feelings group about "The Rules I Live By".. Oh joy and bliss. I know the purpose of this is to help me connect the dots about how I got to this spot of chaos in my life. I tried sitting down today to write them and "connect with the feelings"..This is hard to do. Im not sure if the resistance Im feeling with connecting is more to do with the fact that ive let them go or the fact that Im still repressing them. Somehow I just don't care. I'm all or nothing right now. I've let my past mistakes go and I just want to move on from them now. I guess I just answered my question didn't I?  I am getting angry at myself because I feel nothing when I write them. It feels more academic than feelings oriented. What is wrong with me? Am I not doing enough? Not healing enough? Not looking deep enough? These therapists really know how to push my buttons.

I am changing. I am getting better. I am seeing positivity in my mind and little patience for the negativity I once had. I don't see myself as the same young woman that came into the program almost 4 weeks ago now. Looking back I feel and see myself as so much more. I am a living human being again without all the troubles in my mind. And I know that just like with anyone else, I don't need validation or consent even from my counsellor that I'm doing well or getting better. I have been checking off the symptoms on my list and checking them twice. And I am not the same woman. I am ME. I think that others are starting to see the change in me. I feel stripped of every habit I once had. No longer do I stare at my tummy in the mirror when I get up in the morning. I no longer cry myself to sleep at night, wear layers of makeup to hide what's already beautiful. I no longer compare myself to others thinking I am not good enough. I am great just the way I am. I no longer choose lies over truth. The truth is the truth and I can't hide from that. An in addition, it is a easier to deal with. Lies made me empty, void of real feeling. Now I feel full of love, kindness, strength and compassion. Qualities that were already there but couldn't always find their way to the surface in me as I sabatoged myself the last 15 yrs.

I know I am becoming something amazing for ME. And I know as I have been told that the answers I have been searching for will come to me when Im not looking just as by being positive will attract positive opportunities. I can't wait for those. And I can't wait to go back home to my partner and his family as the real ME and not some fake.

Cheers